Blood, Sweat and Tears

They say "We are all dying, one second at a time."

So really it doesn't matter what my ultrasound results were. I am no one special, the world would never miss me. People get born and people die all the time. No one can ever change that.

I can't blame people for walking away from me. Lots of times I wish I could do the same damn thing. Just discard my troubles and sadness like an old pair of shoes tossed in the trash bin.

Sure it's easy to like me when I am at my best, and just as easy to detest me when I am at my worst. I want to be close to people, yet I always drive them away. Mostly because when I get really depressed I don't like myself at all. Because I don't see the good in myself, I want someone to prove it exist. To prove it by refusing to discard me , even if I push them away.

In movies that happens all the time. Everything is wrapped up and tied with a bow before the credits roll. Real life is never that simple. It is blood, sweat and tears from birth, until death.

I am dying , everyone is dying. Some just sooner than others. Many of them like me with memories of times gone by and friends that have drifted away and are lost forever.

Cancer

Even though I don't know the test results my mind keeps wandering back to that word again and again. Logically I know that there are many other things that the mass could be.

Ironically it's not the idea of having Cancer that scares me the most. The terrifying part is how my family will treat me. In the past they have never really been there for me even after surgeries. It wasn't easy to take care of myself at those times, but I did what I had to do.

In movies people on chemo vomit and are weak and helpless. My family will resent it if that happens to me. They will be angry at me for not being able to help with Mom and Dad too. Most likely they will be impatient and want me to "get better already." Whatever they begrudgingly do for me will be thrown in my face many times over. I'll owe them for for the rest of my life.

The mere thought of asking them for help makes my stomach clench. It always has and always will. Accepting the way they are took many years. The only way I can cope with it is to do my own thing and let them do theirs. Now ... with the fear of being weak and helpless ...I am going to have to come up with a new way to survive their not so tender mercies. Such is life ....

Unreal

I saw my Gynecologist the other day for a routine pap test. He felt a mass on or near my left ovary when he was doing the exam. My ultrasound is scheduled on the 12th. As I read these words it all seems like a bad dream. It could be nothing serious or it could be Cancer. Not knowing is the scariest part.

My Mom just found out she is going blind and now this. Is this really happening ?
I really wish I could say no, but I can't. Now all I can do is wait and see.