Cancer

Even though I don't know the test results my mind keeps wandering back to that word again and again. Logically I know that there are many other things that the mass could be.

Ironically it's not the idea of having Cancer that scares me the most. The terrifying part is how my family will treat me. In the past they have never really been there for me even after surgeries. It wasn't easy to take care of myself at those times, but I did what I had to do.

In movies people on chemo vomit and are weak and helpless. My family will resent it if that happens to me. They will be angry at me for not being able to help with Mom and Dad too. Most likely they will be impatient and want me to "get better already." Whatever they begrudgingly do for me will be thrown in my face many times over. I'll owe them for for the rest of my life.

The mere thought of asking them for help makes my stomach clench. It always has and always will. Accepting the way they are took many years. The only way I can cope with it is to do my own thing and let them do theirs. Now ... with the fear of being weak and helpless ...I am going to have to come up with a new way to survive their not so tender mercies. Such is life ....