Purpose ?

Today once again I find myself questioning my place in the world. In my mind I  see the world as the outer frame of a jigsaw puzzle. The inner pieces represent the so called "normal" people.

The words normal + people do not fit together in my mind. Humans come in all shapes, forms  are all born with (in theory)  the same potential for a good life. In a perfect world that would be a certainty for us all.  Unfortunately there is no such thing as a perfect world.  Perfection is as impossible as normal in my opinion.  Even though I know that there are many people out there who would disagree.

The mentally ill, physically challenges,  aged and even the terminally ill people of the world scare people. Acknowledging us as individuals with feelings and thoughts remind others of their own imperfections and mortality. It feeds peoples secret unspoken fears and makes them grow into full fledged monsters. Those monsters lurk in the corners of their minds where they  threaten the foundation of their very existence.

They would like to toss us out, or at least put us out of sight (out of mind). Once upon a time that was socially acceptable behavior. Families hid their shameful relatives in their attics or tossed them into asylums or poor housed locked away behind cold stone walls like criminals  (until they died of disease and  neglect. )

Modern times put an end to all that at least in the public sense. No one wants to be caught discriminating against the less fortunate. There are laws and a moral code to consider after all. Their inner thoughts however are their own and a casual comment or a subtle action is not subject to laws or morality yet is just as cruel.

Back to my original thought. What is my place in the world ? I was born into the world, but not to be a part of the world in the usual sense. Just like a Bee pollinates flowers and grains of sand cause Oysters to produce pearls maybe the odd ones like me and so many others serve a useful purpose as well. 

Whether my theory is correct about that or what my actual purpose for existence is I can't say.  I can say that  most of the time I am glad that I am not just like everyone else. My thoughts and my view of  the world are mine and mine alone and to me that is much better  than being a perfect fitting puzzle piece will ever be.

Hyenas

The face I see in the mirror these days  is that of a stranger.  Is it hardness or pain ? Anger or despair ?  that lies behind that cold stare and vacant eyes.   She guards her secrets well, while mine flap out in the open like laundry on a line for all to see.  I have so  many questions, and not one single answer can I find. 

My life leaves little time for figuring out those things.  My energy  is better spent doing the few things that I can  accomplish  around here.  My parents are now the children and I am the scullery maid. The house is not clean or tidy like my Mom kept it. Even if I had a team of cleaners to help me Mom would never permit them to touch her things or violate her privacy.  If she can't do it herself than it just won't get done at all.

What will become of of those piles of things and me once they are both gone ? I can only make a guess. The"things" will be plundered , fought over and then tossed aside (once the novelty wears off).

 That will happen after They first thing they get me out of the house so they can gut it.  Like Hyenas fighting over a juicy carcass they  will gang up and eliminate the weakest in the pack. (or so think)

I have already started throwing out my own clutter. It is a freeing feeling to shed the weight of those piles of things that I once thought I would need "some day". When stuff  begin to take over your life and suffocate you  it is past time to be rid of it.  Each bag of trash I carry to the garbage lightens my spirit a bit more.

I have lived here on this 6 acres  of dirt all my life.  My son took his first steps here and said his first word, just like I did. It will be harder than I can ever imagine seeing other people living here.

They will change the house to suit them and chop down my maple tree without a second thought.My past will become their future. Nothing can stop the hands of time, not even me.  **Ever Forward**

Quitting my Psych Meds

Today I decided to stop taking the medications prescribed by my Psychiatrist. Even though they are mostly helping me my family is still making my life a living hell.

Tonight I begin my adventure down the rabbit hole. No more compliant good girl taking her happy pills. My family asked for this, but they don't have a clue what they are in store for.

Taking the blame for the past.

In the past I have written some nasty posts on here. I was hurt and angry at the time and it was a childish thing to do.Today I deleted one of those blogs. I am ashamed I wrote it at all.

It has always been so easy to place the blame for the troubles in my life on the other person The truth is not one of those people forced me to do things that I didn't want to. I could have walked away, but I didn't. I could have said no, but I stayed silent. The reason is that any attention is better than none. Loneliness makes a person do stupid things sometimes.

In simpler terms. The person responsible for 90% of the painful parts of my life is ME ! I am the one who set myself up to get hurt over and over again. It was me and no one else.

There is no way to take back what I said. Words once written or spoken can be forgiven, but not forgotten. This blog is a written confession of sorts so that I will never forget what I did.

This baring of my soul is only the first step. Now I have to makes sure it never happens again. I know it won't be easy. I will mess it up sometimes ,even if I do try my best.

I am far from perfect. I am just me .... and this is a part of me, one that needs changed.