Welcome to my home ....

Most peoples dream homes are modern and fancy. Not me, what I want is a simple place to call  my own.
It will fit my lifestyle, suit my personality and hold all my hopes and dreams for as long as I live in it.

First on the list is plenty of  storage and book shelves.   A place for everything and everything in its place. I don't want a lot of furniture to have to try to move and clean behind. I can think of much better things to do.

 Old fashioned as it is to say,  I sincerely  believe the kitchen is the heart of a home.  I want mine to have bright yellow curtains and plenty of windows to let the sunshine in. There will be soup simmering on the stove pretty much all the time. Also plenty of coffee and goodies ready for any visitors that decide to drop by. 

 Next on my list is my bedroom. The floor will be covered in old fashioned linoleum. The curtains will be soft so that they will billow when a breeze blows in the open window.  The bed will be covered with a soft patchwork quilt. (the kind that is made to be used)  The furniture will be shaker style and not much of it. I haven't picked a wall color yet. Warm apricots and earth tones probably would be my first choice.

In the bathroom there will be the kind of tub that is just right for a bubble bath complete with candles. (it should be big enough for 2) Also for practical reasons there would be a corner shower stall as well.

There would be as many window seats as possible in my home (they  would open up and be cedar lined for storing things in) Blankets, linens and sweaters being at the top of the list. Again a place for everything.

 It's harder to describe my vision than I thought it would be. The important part is that it should feel welcoming, cozy, and comforting. The kind of place you can kick off your shoes and rest in. Maybe it will only ever exist in my imagination and this blog. Perhaps though if I am patient someday it will be a reality.

New starting point ....Same destination

An old friend has been on my mind a lot in the past few days. I thought about trying to make contact with him, but told myself it was not a good idea.

The temptation was still there in the back of my mind nagging me at unexpected times. That is until I had this dream.  In the dream I was talking to a woman  I have never met in real life. She was telling me things about my friend that while they weren't terrible explained why making contact with him was  not a good idea.

Of course, I did not listen. That's my style, I hate people telling me what I can and can't do. So there I was riding in his car with him (in the dream) It felt good at first, but awkward as hell. Bittersweet is the feeling that I had at that time. Sweet because I do miss talking to him and bitter because nothing had changed.

At that point all I could think was... I have to get out of this car ....I didn't care where I was, I had to get away from him and the sooner the better. I wasn't angry, I still care about him and wish him all the best. Sometimes I just want to hear his voice say one of his catch phrases just one more time.

Despite the pain I feel without him in my life, I know it's for the best. His tendency to try to recreate his past was tearing me apart. He was physically with me, but his thoughts kept drifting back to a certain blonde.

We discussed that problem quite a few times. I know he tried to overcome it, but never quite did. My own insecurities didn't help the situation. My emotions flipped from calm acceptance to hurt feelings and then straight to pissed off.  We kept parting ways and then reuniting. Starting at a new place, but reaching the same destination (not a good place to be btw)

This last time is the last time (at least I think so) That dream was my subconscious showing me that even though you miss someone so bad it hurts it is best to just let the past go and walk away.

Missing him sucks big time, and not contacting him and asking him to forgive me and starting this whole process over is one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make.

Like an old injury that empty spot where he filled  in my life will always ache. There is not magic cure to make that stop. Memories are all I have left of him, and it is for the best of both of us to keep it that way.  

I love him and always will. If he ever reads this.... that is the most important thing I want him to remember.