New starting point ....Same destination

An old friend has been on my mind a lot in the past few days. I thought about trying to make contact with him, but told myself it was not a good idea.

The temptation was still there in the back of my mind nagging me at unexpected times. That is until I had this dream.  In the dream I was talking to a woman  I have never met in real life. She was telling me things about my friend that while they weren't terrible explained why making contact with him was  not a good idea.

Of course, I did not listen. That's my style, I hate people telling me what I can and can't do. So there I was riding in his car with him (in the dream) It felt good at first, but awkward as hell. Bittersweet is the feeling that I had at that time. Sweet because I do miss talking to him and bitter because nothing had changed.

At that point all I could think was... I have to get out of this car ....I didn't care where I was, I had to get away from him and the sooner the better. I wasn't angry, I still care about him and wish him all the best. Sometimes I just want to hear his voice say one of his catch phrases just one more time.

Despite the pain I feel without him in my life, I know it's for the best. His tendency to try to recreate his past was tearing me apart. He was physically with me, but his thoughts kept drifting back to a certain blonde.

We discussed that problem quite a few times. I know he tried to overcome it, but never quite did. My own insecurities didn't help the situation. My emotions flipped from calm acceptance to hurt feelings and then straight to pissed off.  We kept parting ways and then reuniting. Starting at a new place, but reaching the same destination (not a good place to be btw)

This last time is the last time (at least I think so) That dream was my subconscious showing me that even though you miss someone so bad it hurts it is best to just let the past go and walk away.

Missing him sucks big time, and not contacting him and asking him to forgive me and starting this whole process over is one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make.

Like an old injury that empty spot where he filled  in my life will always ache. There is not magic cure to make that stop. Memories are all I have left of him, and it is for the best of both of us to keep it that way.  

I love him and always will. If he ever reads this.... that is the most important thing I want him to remember.