This blog has no "End"

As I experience the highs and lows that are inevitable in life I have noticed an undeniable pattern. There are certain people that I know that I associate with specific emotions.

There is a couple that I associate with feeling safe and cherished. Another couple that is for lack of a better description like Peter Pan ; living in Never Never land.

 Then there are the guys I dated, or were friends with. Two in particular stand out in my mind and heart. The first one is the closest I have come to being truly in love. It was not true love, but it felt like it for a while. This verse of an Abba song is what I listened to as I was recovering from breaking up with him.

I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence
Building me a home
Thinking I'd be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules.

Like Forest Gump said "That's all I have to say about that"

The second one was a friend of a unique nature. He was the one I went to when things went wrong.  Not to feel better, but to wallow in the misery of it all.  Talking to him was a way of reassuring myself that life did indeed suck, and there was no way to change that fact. We did share many good times as well, but overall we were like twin Eeyores. I miss the good times , but in my heart I know that even though I miss him, being apart is the better for both of us. I wish it could be otherwise, but as he so often says "It is what it is".

Using people as an emotional  crutch is never a good idea. I need to learn to deal with both my negative and positive emotions a different and more healthy way. The books I am reading by Thich Nhat Hahn are helping me see how I am setting myself up for failure by doing the same things over and over. Here is some of the many things that he says that are helping me to have hope that I will find happiness someday.

"Inside each of us is a great being, someone peaceful, full of light, understanding, and compassion. This person carries a sword of understanding that cuts through the bonds of suffering.
With great understanding we see the way out of our bondage. We discover the lightness and compassion necessary to love someone else."

"Self love is the foundation for loving another person. If you don't know how to love and offer happiness to yourself, how can you love ? and offer happiness to another person ? If you don't know anything about happiness, how can you offer it ? Live in a way that brings you joy and happiness and then you'll be able to offer it to another person."

"A successful relationship also depends on us recognizing our own painful feelings and emotions inside-not fighting them, but accepting, embracing, and transforming them to get relief."

Those books have come into my life at the perfect time. When I was younger they would not mean as much to me as they do at this stage in my life.  My life has been a roller coaster ride in the last few years. As I look back at the 18 year old starting her first job, I hardly recognize myself. That is not a unique feeling at all. All of us change over time. I never could have imagined that I would have experienced  what I have in those years. Some of them I regret and some I am proud of, but all of them have made me who I am today.

Overall that is not such a terrible thing. I found a song that says it best.  The lyrics will serve as the last paragraphs of this blog. I don't say "The End", because this blog has no end... it is just the beginning...

I`m an angel, I`m a devil
I am sometimes in between
I`m as bad as it can get and good as it can be
Sometimes I`m a million colors
Sometimes I`m black and white
I am all extremes
Try to figure me out you never can
There`s so many things I am

I am special, I am beautiful
I am wonderful and powerful, unstoppable
Sometimes I`m miserable sometimes I`m pitiful
But that`s so typical of all the things I am

I am someone filled with self belief
And haunted by self doubt
I got all the answers
I got nothing figured out
I like to be by myself
I hate to be alone
I`m up and I am down
But that`s the part of the thrill
Part of the plan
Part of all of the things I am

I am special, I am beautiful
I am wonderful and powerful, unstoppable
Sometimes I`m miserable sometimes I`m pitiful
But that`s so typical of all the things I am


I`m a million contradictions
Sometimes I make no sense
Sometimes I`m perfect
Sometimes I`m a mess
Sometimes I`m not sure who I am


I am special, I am beautiful
I am wonderful and powerful, unstoppable
Sometimes I`m miserable sometimes I`m pitiful
But that`s so typical of all the things I am.

"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection."

I don't have anything clever to say in this post. No grand ideas or inspirational themes are on my mind today. My mind is spinning like a truck stuck in the mud and has been for quite a while now.

I keep trying to find someone to make me happy. So far that has been a complete failure. It's to the point that I don't believe that I can find happiness.  No hope means no disappointment. The simple fact is  that I am sabotaging myself at every turn. Not just about relationships , but my health as well.

I stopped exercising and have been eating a lot of junk. Food has become my friend, lover and also a way of punishing myself. M&M's, Pizza, cookies and once a whole Pepperidge Farms chocolate cake. As a result I don't like myself and  feel miserable. I also get a headache every day and have put on over 10 lbs.

When I ask myself why I am doing this all this to myself  I want to cry. My failure to find acceptance by those guys from the dating sites is tearing me apart inside. My depression is worse and I have had to get my medications increased by quite a bit. All that has done is make me feel numb and make it harder to think.

Logically I know that what those guys  think of me shouldn't matter. If they are so great why are most of them divorced 2 or 3 times. The fact that it does in some matter to me, even if it's not a conscious thing  is both aggravating and painful. As I type this my heart is aching like it is being crushed by an unseen hand.

 I know that if I get off this bed and get moving again I will feel better mentally and physically. Part of me wants to do that, but part is afraid to move. Like a jumper on a ledge who doesn't really want to step out into thin air , but doesn't want to go back in the building either.

Eating healthier foods, exercising and losing weight do not mean that I have to be in a relationship. If I take better care of myself I will feel better and not hurt so much. That is for me and no one elses benefit. Also it means that I am less likely to become unable to take care of myself when I get older.

Those are the reasons I need to get back on Lose It. For myself and no one else. Happiness is not something that only comes from the approval of others. True happiness comes from within. It doesn't come from perfection or what color nail polish I have on.  The size of my bank account or the kind of car I drive won't guarantee it either. Getting out of bed every day and doing the best I can is  the first step. Making time for things that I enjoy is the next one. 

The Buddha said it best;

"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection."

 I forgot that , but I am going to do my best to remember it from now on...


EVER FORWARD