"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection."

I don't have anything clever to say in this post. No grand ideas or inspirational themes are on my mind today. My mind is spinning like a truck stuck in the mud and has been for quite a while now.

I keep trying to find someone to make me happy. So far that has been a complete failure. It's to the point that I don't believe that I can find happiness.  No hope means no disappointment. The simple fact is  that I am sabotaging myself at every turn. Not just about relationships , but my health as well.

I stopped exercising and have been eating a lot of junk. Food has become my friend, lover and also a way of punishing myself. M&M's, Pizza, cookies and once a whole Pepperidge Farms chocolate cake. As a result I don't like myself and  feel miserable. I also get a headache every day and have put on over 10 lbs.

When I ask myself why I am doing this all this to myself  I want to cry. My failure to find acceptance by those guys from the dating sites is tearing me apart inside. My depression is worse and I have had to get my medications increased by quite a bit. All that has done is make me feel numb and make it harder to think.

Logically I know that what those guys  think of me shouldn't matter. If they are so great why are most of them divorced 2 or 3 times. The fact that it does in some matter to me, even if it's not a conscious thing  is both aggravating and painful. As I type this my heart is aching like it is being crushed by an unseen hand.

 I know that if I get off this bed and get moving again I will feel better mentally and physically. Part of me wants to do that, but part is afraid to move. Like a jumper on a ledge who doesn't really want to step out into thin air , but doesn't want to go back in the building either.

Eating healthier foods, exercising and losing weight do not mean that I have to be in a relationship. If I take better care of myself I will feel better and not hurt so much. That is for me and no one elses benefit. Also it means that I am less likely to become unable to take care of myself when I get older.

Those are the reasons I need to get back on Lose It. For myself and no one else. Happiness is not something that only comes from the approval of others. True happiness comes from within. It doesn't come from perfection or what color nail polish I have on.  The size of my bank account or the kind of car I drive won't guarantee it either. Getting out of bed every day and doing the best I can is  the first step. Making time for things that I enjoy is the next one. 

The Buddha said it best;

"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection."

 I forgot that , but I am going to do my best to remember it from now on...


EVER FORWARD