Hindsight is 20/20...
I jumped without looking and now it's biting me in the hindsight.
At the end of today I may well be homeless. It's not for sure , but I have a bad feeling that it is certainly a very good possibility. Homeless..... after 47 years at one place and less than a month here.
My fears of being in this situation have given me nightmares for many years. Back then I thought it wouldn't happen until my parents died. Being me though, I wasn't content to wait for that day, I had to make it happen now. So, here I am without a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out.
I have 3 options, none of them good.
One, I could beg my Mother to take me back in. If I do that I will be at my families mercy, and they have no mercy. I won't elaborate on this one because I really can't let myself think about it at all.
Option 2 is to ask my son to let me mover in with him. That would be awkward and very stressful for both of us, but not as bad as begging to move back home. His place is small and it would be crowded.
Option 3, is to find another guy to live with. This one reminds me of a person I met online. She was in my situation and kept getting passed along by men. They would take her in, treat her good, until they got tired of her and then toss her out. I don't want to be like her it would destroy me and shame me in the eyes of my son. (Even more so than my past sexual escapades already have.) I did some slutty things in the past, (things that I would die if he knew about) but this would be beyond anything I ever thought I was capable of. Just typing this is making me nauseous and I want to bathe in Lysol.
***Also , #3 would mean taking Lilac back to Mini Mutts. I won't drag her down with me, she would be better off with Carla. Protecting myself will be hard enough if it comes down to this.
One, two, or three. Not a good choice among them. I realize that I am writing about the worst case scenarios. Things might not be as bad as they seem right now. Maybe I am worrying for nothing. My gut tell me different though. So, I might as well brace myself as opposed to getting sucker punched.
If I put on some rose colored glasses #3 isn't so bad. Except for losing Lilac that is. Hey, you never know, I might find Mr. Right and live "happily ever after". It's highly unlikely, but maybe my luck is due to turn for the better. Right now, would be a really good time for that to happen.
As bitter as it may sound, I don't believe in happily ever after anymore. I used to think that it existed, but reality has taught me differently. Happy endings are for fairy tales and massage parlors.
Guys with white hats are basically the same as the ones with black hats. Sure, they may say they like bad girls and they sure love to screw them. They will even say "I love you" and promise you the moon and the stars. It's easy to fool yourself that this time it's true. It never is though. It's just empty words said to get laid. Getting off is a lot more important that telling the truth to someone like me.
Women like me are for using , not for keeping. Guy don't introduce my type to their friends, and they sure as Hell don't take them home to meet their families. That stuff is for the "good girls" to have.
Deep down, I don't think I'm a slut or a whore. That only springs to mind when someone I have trusted does something that makes me feel ashamed of my sexuality. Usually though the way I am feels soft, and warm like I would imagine a fur lined cloak would feel against my warm naked body.
My need, desire, lust, passion ... whatever you want to call it for intimacy, touch, and yes, for sex is a part of me. When I suppress it I can function, although not in a happy way. My sexuality is my greatest asset and also my greatest liability. It is to me what Achilles heel was to him. I have had some wonderful experiences because of it, and had my heart stomped on because of it as well.
Oh well, I've lost my focus and this is doing no good anyway. My future is out of my hands once again. So, I'll finish with a quote from the movie "A Streetcar named Desire"
Whoever you are—I have always depended on the kindness of strangers ~Blanche DuBois:
May the strangers that hold my fate in their hands have compassion on me today.
No comments:
Post a Comment