False words from false friends

I am not perfect by any means, but I do try my best to keep my word, and if I can't there is a pretty damn good reason. People used to say my word is my bond. Nowadays that's bullshit !

It seems like my friends don't think promises to me matter. I am to the point that their promises go in one ear and out the other. No expectations , no disappointments.

I promise, I will, I'm gonna...It never happens. I don't understand why they claim to be my friends and then just blow me off like I don't have any feelings.

Well I do have feelings and I do matter ! I deserve consideration and respect. It's time to cut some dead wood out of my life. I would rather be on my own than deal with hypocrites.

Hip ! Hip ! Hooray !

I was taught even as a little girl that happiness means being part of a couple. Just recently I have realized that finding peace and happiness in my life is much simpler and easier alone.

I have had 2 serious relationships other than with my Ex-husband. Both times I really thought I had found Mr. Right. They were both quite a bit older than me, but that didn't bother me. I had some good times with each of them, but for one reason or another things did not work out.

I am alone now and free to do what I want. I don't have to pretend to like something just to make a guy happy. My time is my own and I can do whatever I want, even if it's absolutely nothing. I don't even have to wear makeup or shave my legs if I don't want to. No football games on the TV either because I have control of the remote. My sexual needs can be met with my friend the Hitachi. Who by the way , doesn't lie, cheat, fart, snore or leave the toilet seat up.

Such a simple solution to all the pressure society puts on us to get paired up. I Can't help wondering why it didn't occur to me sooner. It sure would have saved me some headaches.
I don't claim that this is the right solution for everyone. My gut instinct is that it is just what I have been looking for. Here's to all of us who chose to be alone. Hip ! Hip ! Hooray !

*** Ever Forward ***

Mr Dolan

Mr Dolan was my Science teacher in High School. He was an older gentleman and easy to distract. We used to ask him a question about the news or something and he would go on the whole class about it. We thought that we were outsmarting him, but really it was a very stupid thing to do.

My blog has been like that lately. I started out writing things that were empowering. My writing was upbeat and got me in a positive state of mind. Then I got distracted, I started writing about the worst parts of my life , instead of the best. The result Insomnia and a deep depression that I am just now recovering from.

This blog is me making a U-turn. This is me heading back to the place I want to be. Time to crank up some feel good music on the radio and as Sally Field said in "Smokey and the Bandit" "Put the metal to the pedal and the thing to the floor"

Ever Forward

My constant companion

My right hip started hurting last night and still does today. I suspect it is Bursitis again. Another trip to the Rheumatologist. Thank God for Dr Paz , he always fixes me up.

Pain is becoming my constant companion. Asleep or awake it is always on my mind. I never expected this to happen at my age, but here I am. Hobbling around today like a geriatric.

Well at least going to the Doctor gets me out of the house once in a while. That and going to the grocery store are about all I do any more. Thank God for my antidepressant medications. They don't make my life any better , but they make me numb so I don't care about it as much.

It is what it is

I am a 5'3" woman who is obese, I weigh 214 lbs. A healthy weight range for a woman my height is 107-135lbs. My BMI is 38 , the healthy range is 18.5 -24.9. Not good at all for my health.

My health would benefit from losing even a part of that excess weight. Yet, I still don't want to put the effort into trying to lose any weight. I can't take another failure, it is too painful.

Being obese feels safe and familiar to me as well. Would my life suddenly change for the better if I weighed less ? Health wise yes , without a doubt. Other than that , not one little bit. I could pretend otherwise , but it would just be setting myself up for disappointment. The only reasonable changes I could expect would be in my clothing size and the numbers on the scale.

Every time I have lost weight I expected something wonderful to happen. Now I know that I was just fooling myself. Expecting something to happen , does not make it so. It's time for me to wake up and accept that. The real world is a cold , hard , lonely place at times . You can waste your time expecting or pretending something is going to happen, but reality is all you will get.

Choosing Happiness

Does believing something make it so ? For example if I take a pill for my headache will it work better if I believe that it will make my headache go away.

If that is true than it could be true of other things as well. Like whether I am happy or not. If I believe hard enough that I am happy will it become a fact ? Can it be as simple as that ?

Being unhappy is easy for me. Not pleasant to be sure , but I am really good at it. Like Eeyore in Winnie the Pooh I can always see gloom for myself even on the sunniest of days.

" Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions." (HHDL)

It is up to me to change my gloomy outlook about my life. That will take strong unfaltering belief in my potential to be happy. Happy is not just a state of mind it also come from your heart. Encouraging others is something I do very well. It's time for me to encourage myself now...