We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.

I am doing it again.... for the billionth time. Trying to figure out how to have a "normal" life.

Logically I know that it is a waste of time. Still, it would be so nice to have the things I dream of. No one has a perfect life, I know that too. Life is too unpredictable to allow perfection to exist.

Beating myself up and longing for a storybook life only makes things even harder than for me than they are . Blaming myself for not having the impossible is a form of self abuse.

Like the song says. "It's not having what you want, It's wanting what you've got. I am not, nor ever will be the queen of the ball. Prince Charming is not going to sweep me off to am exotic island. Reality sucks, but all we can do is make the best of what we have to work with.

I just realized something. Trusting other is taking the risk of getting hurt and disappointed Hiding in my room and telling myself that I am no good, is just a way of hurting myself. I get the same result, but without having to make the effort or trusting someone else.

The middle ground is to be able to not see myself as better or worse off than the rest of the population. In theory it would be like being shipwrecked with limited supplies.

A survivor would take inventory of what they had and use it wisely. That could also be called "the glass is half full" approach to a situation beyond your control.

The less attractive choice is to ignore the useful things that are there, maybe even waste them. This person can only think of how unfair their life is and rant about things that have nothing to do with the immediate situation or survival. Their glass is half empty and always will be.

Some people are one or the other of these descriptions. As usual I don't fit into just one category.
I am both. Sometimes I can dig in and make the most of my situation. When I am thinking clearly and feeling positive that is. At other times even putting on clean clothes is a chore.

K.I.S.S. Keep It Simple Stupid is an idea that I often use. Don't get me wrong, I am far from stupid. Focusing on being content with "wanting what I've got" The good and the bad parts of it is a full time 24/7 job. It is frustrating, physically and emotionally exhausting and sometimes it seems like it is totally and without a doubt the most futile act on the planet. Then when I think that I have hit rock bottom and want to give up something marvelous happens.

Someone catches my eye that I can help. Despite my own despair, I can't resist that persons need. I tell myself that if I help them at least one of us will be happy. So I reach down inside myself past the pain and give to them what others never give to me.

This blog is all mixed up and tangled like a briar patch, but I am leaving it as is because that is how my thoughts, feelings and emotions are as I try to reason and make sense of it all.

My initial thought was : Longing for what is beyond your reach is a waste of time.

I can only live the life I have and make the best of the circumstances that I live in.

Bringing other people into my life only complicates things, because I trust too easily.

Blaming myself or others for my unhappiness will make me bitter and cynical.

Learning to make the best of what I have is the only way I can bring balance to my life.

Balance and contentment are what I want and need most in to end this cycle of pain and sorrow. If I don't make the effort to change the present, my future is doomed as well.

This won't happen quickly or easily. There is no simple recipe for a happy life. Nor a magic pill to dull the pain. Nonetheless, it's what I must work at or else I will never find the peace I crave.

I will close with these simple words that say so much;

We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.

Skin Hunger

Obviously I am having a hard time right now.

Part, but not all of that is because of my need to be held, caressed and kissed.

I don't remember the last time I felt like a desirable woman. Sometimes I forget that I am a woman at all. It's easier that way. Just to drift through the hours, days and weeks like a robot doing what I have to and blocking out everything else.

Sometimes though when I least expect it I long for affection and the warmth of another body next to mine. It hurts to not have that. It feels like my skin has disappeared and all my nerves are exposed to the air. Nothing can satisfy that hunger, that need except for a man who treats me the way I need and deserve to be treated.

Three times in my life I had that for a short time. Each time my dreams of a happy future turned into a nightmare. One of them chose his roommates over me, the second man just turned cold towards me even though I still think he understood me more than anyone else ever will, the last one was very attractive, an incredible kisser and knew just what to say to turn me on. That one ended with the help of my ex-sister who is an Alchoholic. I still wonder if he was as good in bed as I imagine he would have been. He was also the only one of the lot who was not a cheap skate or taking Viagra. As you can see, I don't have the best luck with men.

I don't know where I am going with this. All I know is that I want to find a man who will be there when I need him. Someone I can count on and who will treat me well.

Is this possible ? I hope so.... I want it...I need it.... but I don't believe it will ever happen.

My Song

"Boulevard Of Broken Dreams"

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah,
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah
Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I walk alone
I walk a...

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone...

Hospice

I know I said I wasn't gonna post for a while, but it's my blog and I can do as I damn well please. Plus the freaking weather has postponed the delivery of my Elliptical till Saturday.

Today Hospice came to our house to talk to us about providing services for Mom. It scares me to think of how fragile she is. We get on each others nerves all the time, but she is still my Mom. My parents are the only constants in my life it's so hard to picture my life without them.

I used to joke that I was never going to leave home, and that is pretty much what happened.
Today has made me realize just how very alone I am. Being alone used to scare me, but I don't fear solitude anymore. After being lied to, used, hurt and disappointed so many times it seems like a safer and more peaceful way to live my life. My rose colored glasses are broken and I can see clearly for the first time. What I see is that the only person I can truly rely on is me.