To the ones who turned their backs on me..... I forgive you

Everyone has turned their backs on me. March 14th was my birthday and my own son couldn't be bothered to do more than text me. He has to know how much I hate text messages.

Oh well, what does it matter anyway. It seems like he is not the only one that has deserted me. All of my family and the people I thought were my friends have forgotten me. I guess since my health has declined that my body is not as useful to them as it used to be.

They've most likely moved on to a newer model. One that can wear heels and whose knees don't ache and pop when they stand up. Am I angry about that ? No, not really. Mostly I feel sadness and pity. Sadness that what I thought was something special could be tossed aside without even a goodbye. Pity, that they felt the need to play with me for their pleasure. Their lives must be pretty awful for them to feel the need to use and abuse other peoples feelings to make themselves feel big and powerful.

Then again, I might be totally wrong about their intentions. Maybe they ended our friendship as a favor to me. So I wouldn't have to see that all the things they promised me were never going to happen.

When I am lonely I admit that I miss them. Some more than others. But when someone shuts you out of their life, missing them is a futile emotion. A fact that is becoming easier to accept as each day of what has to be the worst year of my entire life.

Like a hollow tree whose heartwood has been stripped away, I have nothing inside me.  Which is fine, because being empty and numb is a lot better than mourning the loss of people who obviously never cared about me as a person. I was just a thing to be used and discarded like yesterdays garbage.

It is what it is ...... and if any of them are reading this. I forgive you, because I know dealing with the way I am is no fun. Hell, if I could walk away from myself I would do just what you did.

DON'T LOOK AT ME

Don't look at me ---- I'm not worth a second glance. Nothing here but a former church girl gone bad.

It's so hard to believe that I used to be that  uptight, prudish church girl.  I even carried my bible with me to High school. Then one day, I decided to go online and find people to meet and have sex with.


No one made me do that. I always knew I was a bad girl. I wanted men to touch me between my legs as early as grade school. I didn't know what sex was I just knew I needed to be touched there. 

By the time I figured out what my body was craving I was 40 years old.  The next step was finding people to be with to satisfy my need for sex. The only way I had was to go on the internet, which I did.

I liked meeting people from Adult friend finder  for sex. Better yet was my brief experience with a site called Alt.  which is for people into BDSM. Being dominated is the ultimate turn on for me. Because when a man  takes control, my inhibitions melt away and that feels so damn good !

 Sometimes though I still think of how it would feel to find Mr. Right. To wear his ring and be his "beloved wife". A  few of the guys I met online have proposed to me in the heat of passion. Swore they loved me too, but that all changes once the clothes are back on and reality comes back into focus.

You see men use women like me to get their rocks off.  They NEVER  marry them, and they sure as hell don't want to be seen out in public with them or take them home to meet the family.

Now maybe  you can understand why I told you not to look at me.
Move along now, the shows over and it's past your bed time.

Getting bitten in the hindsight

Look before you leap....
Hindsight is 20/20...
 I jumped without looking and now it's biting me in the hindsight. 

At the end of today I may well be homeless. It's not for sure , but I have a bad feeling that it is certainly a very good possibility. Homeless..... after 47 years at one place and less than a month here.

My fears of being in this situation have given me nightmares for many years. Back then  I thought it wouldn't happen until my parents died. Being me though, I wasn't content to wait for that day, I had to make it happen now.  So, here I am without a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out.

I have 3 options, none of them good.

One, I could beg my Mother to take me back in. If I do that I will be at my families mercy, and they have no mercy. I won't elaborate on this one because I really can't let myself think about it at all.

Option 2 is to ask my son to let me mover in with him. That would be awkward and very stressful for both of us, but not as bad as begging to move back home. His place is small and it would be crowded.

Option 3, is to find another guy to live with. This one reminds me of a person I met online. She was in my situation and kept getting passed along by men. They would take her in, treat her good, until they got tired of her and then toss her out.  I don't want to be like her it would destroy me and shame me in the eyes of my son. (Even more so than my past sexual escapades already have.)   I did some slutty things in the past, (things that I would die if he knew about) but this would be beyond anything I ever thought I was capable of.  Just typing this is making me nauseous and I want to bathe in Lysol.

***Also , #3 would mean taking  Lilac back to Mini Mutts. I won't drag her down with me, she would be better off with Carla.  Protecting myself will be hard enough if it comes down to this.

One, two, or three. Not a good choice among them. I realize that I am writing about the worst case scenarios. Things might not be as bad as they seem right now. Maybe I am worrying for nothing. My gut tell me different though. So, I might as well brace myself as opposed to getting sucker punched.

If I put on some rose colored glasses #3 isn't so bad. Except for losing Lilac that is. Hey, you never know, I might find Mr. Right and live "happily ever after".  It's highly unlikely, but maybe my luck is due to turn for the better. Right now, would be a really good time for that to happen.
As bitter as it may sound, I don't believe in happily ever after anymore. I used to think that it existed, but reality has taught me  differently.  Happy endings are for fairy tales and massage parlors.

Guys with white hats are basically the same as the ones with black hats. Sure, they may say they like bad girls and they sure love to screw them.   They will even say "I love you" and promise you the moon and the stars. It's easy to fool  yourself that this time it's true. It never is though.  It's just empty words said to get laid. Getting off is a lot more important that telling the truth to someone like me.

Women like me are for using , not for keeping. Guy don't introduce my type  to their friends, and they sure as Hell don't take them home to meet their families. That stuff is for the "good girls" to have.

Deep down, I don't think I'm  a slut or a whore. That only springs to mind when someone I have trusted does something that makes me feel ashamed of my sexuality. Usually though the way I am feels soft, and warm like I would imagine a fur lined cloak would feel against my warm naked body.

My need, desire, lust, passion ... whatever you want to call it for intimacy, touch, and yes, for  sex is a part of me. When I suppress it I can function, although not in a happy way. My sexuality is my greatest asset and also my greatest liability. It is to me what Achilles heel was to him. I have had some wonderful experiences because of it, and had my heart stomped on because of it as well.

Oh well, I've lost my focus and this is doing no good anyway. My future is out of my hands once again. So, I'll finish with a quote from the movie "A Streetcar named Desire"

Whoever you are—I have always depended on the kindness of strangers   ~Blanche DuBois:


May the strangers that hold my fate in their hands have compassion on me today. 

It's five o'clock somewhere

No Vodka yesterday. Today however, I have had 3 shot glasses so far and it's only 1:30 pm. That's really not much because I did not know what I was buying and got 42 proof by mistake. Oh well, it's a start and next time I will know better. All I know for now is it seems to take the edge off and I like that a lot.

More soon as I explore the family legacy of dealing with my shitty life through the use of booze.

I said I would never do this.....

I have always said that drinking alone is a dangerous habit to get into. Today I bought a bottle of vodka and now I am having my first solitary screwdriver.
I don't intend to have more than this one, at least tonight.

The pathetic thing is I have to sneak to have it. My Mom would freak out if she knew. By the way I am 46 years old. It's not illegal to have a drink, but it sure feels like it is right now.

I don't know why I feel the need to do this.... Maybe it's loneliness, or feeling trapped ? I'll write more as things progress - and see if I can keep to one drink or not. 

Am I being powerful and responsible for my life?

NO ! (and here is why.)

" When things go wrong or goals don't materialize, most people blame their past, their parents, life in general or God. We are even encouraged to do this by friends and family who are well-meaning. We also devote a great deal of energy to settling for what is, without recognizing what we can become."
 Only by seeing how in the past we have allowed problems to control us, and forgiving ourselves, can we really change and be free to go forward in life feeling more powerful, able to create the success and happiness we want.

What can I do to change that ?

 Having a glowing vision of the future helps you tackle the core beliefs about yourself—such as doubts about your own worthiness for success—that have held you back until now. So as you peel back the curtains around your core self, you become ready to tap the source of all change and success—self-love, and forgiveness for past failures.

 Self love isn't that the same thing as being conceited ?

 No, that couldn't be further from the truth.  Self love is actually quite the opposite. (see below)

• Honoring yourself and who you really are. Love is your birthright. As Teilhard de Chardin said, "We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience."
• Telling the highest truth, which is that we are powerful beings capable of creating joy and success or pain and suffering in our lives. We are not destined to be victims. We have the power to choose, and this power is both the greatest responsibility we have and the greatest opportunity.
• Honoring who you are becoming. Self-love involves recognizing that you are constantly evolving and growing to become a more powerful and more loving being.
• Honoring your feelings and responding to those feelings. Remember, feelings are important signals, and even the so-called negative feelings of anger and fear serve the important purpose of alerting us to the obstacles in our life. 

What Now ?  How can I change the way I think ?

• Imagine a future where you totally love yourself and have totally owned your power.
• Reach for an understanding of why you would choose limitations in your life. We are often taught by family and life experiences that being weak, sick or helpless is the way to get attention or help. Look at your own and other peoples attempts to get acceptance, attention and love. Ask yourself, what was I taught about being lovable? About being powerful and responsible for my life?
• Then forgive yourself for having made mistakes. Imagine how your future self would forgive you for a mistake.
• Then you can consciously create better methods for getting the acceptance, attention, love and success that you want. 

~~~~ See next blog to find out how I am doing ~~~~

Let them be and let them go ...

Lots of things stir up bad memories and regrets from my past. Sometimes I wonder if I am the only one this happens to.

 Thinking about what if  ? why ? and should have, has cost me a lot of time and energy. It has also stopped me from moving on.


In the past I have tried to block the memories completely. Unfortunately the human mind does not have a delete button. 


Thich Nhat Hahn has taught me a new way to deal with this situation. Instead of struggling to block those negative emotions I am making friends with them.  I now give myself permission to have those feelings. I let them be , and let them go.

Easier said than done... but every day it gets a little bit easier.