Trudging Ahead....

I remember what it felt like as a little girl trying to walk in deep snow. It was hard and my legs would get tired so quickly. I was slow and the grown ups were walking so fast. No matter how hard I tried I wasn't quick enough. So they would gripe and then pick me up and carry me.

Tomorrow is my 46th birthday and I am not a little girl anymore. Yet I am trudging forward just the same. Day in and day out struggling forward with no particular destination in mind. People still call me slow and gripe, but no one picks me up anymore.

I am too big to carry now, but it would be nice to have someone walking beside me. I tried dating, but it was not very kind to me. It's time to accept the fact that I am better off alone. enough time, heartache and tears have been wasted on people who just hurt and let me down.

The joys of life are all around me, if I take the time to see them. The internet holds information on everything and anything under the sun. Art, music, poetry, history ... anything that I want to learn about is at the tips of my fingers. A banquet for the mind, heart and soul.

The simple fact is that I don't fit in with 99% of the people out there. I admit to being kind of proud of that. Too many people have lost touch with the things that matter most. By that I mean compassion, kindness and in general being decent to their fellow human beings.

I think it's because of our instant gratification addiction. No one has the patience to wait for anything. We ride everywhere, eat at the drive thru, text, e-mail and never really see our neighbors the check out clerks or anyone else as real people with real lives. I miss the old days when people said hello and your Doctor knew your name and looked at you not their laptop.

Old fashioned and out of date as all of this may seem, it is the memories of better days for me.
So let the world run ahead of me, telling me I am too slow. The pace I move at is just right for me. Moving slower means I will not get anywhere fast, but I will enjoy the journey more.

High Dive

My life is like a perpetual high dive. Sometimes I am climbing the ladder full of hope and feeling great. My mind is full of ideas and I can accomplish things that I have been avoiding.

Other times I am standing on the platform looking down frozen in terror, but knowing that I am about to fall. My heart races and tears fill my eyes. Loneliness combines with the fear. That pushes me over the edge of the platform. Then in the blink of an eye I am falling.

I can't escape the highs of being "Manic" or the lows of "depression". All I can do is take my medications and cope the best I can. The worst thing is ,I never know when the highs and lows will happen. If I did I could brace myself, instead it comes at me like a sucker punch.

When I was younger, I dreamed of being rescued by a tall, handsome stranger. Rescue is not an option for me. I will climb that ladder and fall over and over again. Nothing can ever stop that, as much as I wish that could happen.

The best I can hope for is to find someone to be like the water in a diving pool. To be there and cushion the fall, without judging me. This may or may not happen for me. So for now I have to be strong for myself, keep my head above water and dog paddle as hard as I can.

**EVER FORWARD**

Unlucky Month of March

I must have a sign on my back that says "Kick Me". Here it is the unlucky month of March. I just got dumped by e-mail, my counselor is retiring and all my friends have left me in the dirt.

If there is a "God" he must hate me. My life is a cosmic joke. Every time I think things are getting better I get sucker punched. Today it was a guy that I went out with a couple times telling me that I am too much overweight and asking "can we still be friends ?"

Duh !! I met him in person and I told him that I am on Lose it. Also that I am working out to get into better shape. He seemed like a good guy, but I was wrong again. Now that's a shock !!

The more I learn about people, the more I love dogs. They love you unconditionally and are always happy to see you. They also make great bed warmers and never lie or let you down.

In one week I will be 46 years old. My family is all fighting with each other. I have no friends to talk to , soon no counselor either, and to top it off now I have been dumped by e-mail. Sounds like a country song. For me though it's just the usual way things happen ..... Ain't Life Grand

Turn it off...

The furnace is out again and it is cold in here. My body and mind want to hide in bed and sleep until Spring. Unfortunately that is not an option. So instead I drag myself out of bed and do what I have to do for Mom, Dad and Lilac. Responsibility doesn't end even when I feel like crap.

When I do have a spare moment my mind wanders to the past. In particular to the times when I had brief moments of happiness. None of them lasted obviously or I wouldn't be alone now.

This part is the worst. Remembering the pain of the breakups. Dissecting it like some scientist and examining it trying to figure out what went wrong and how to stop it from happening again.

Poking at old wounds won't change anything. All it does is make me feel worse. I know I am not a bad person. I also know that I have more good qualities than I have bad ones. Still it can't always be the other persons fault. Logic tells me that the majority of the problem is me.

Digging into the wounds of my past failures and the pain that still haunts me is cruel to myself. All that time thinking about who did what to whom, doesn't mean a thing when my panic sets in. It just makes me feel like I am on an out of control sled about to crash into a really big tree.

At that moment I wish with all my heart for someone to talk to. A kind, caring voice to say "hold on, breath, it's gonna be just fine" Then I realize I have no one to do that for me.

So , I get a towel and cry into it. Silently so no one can hear me. Feeling as if I am the loneliest person on Earth. Begging for my heartache to stop. When that doesn't happen. I say these words "Nothing matters, I don't matter . You will never have the life you dream of.

Turning off my desire for better things is becoming easier with practice. Companionship, affection, friendship and love to name a few. Those things belong to others .... and never will to me. My place is to encourage and do things for them.... because 'I don't matter, never will"