The furnace is out again and it is cold in here. My body and mind want to hide in bed and sleep until Spring. Unfortunately that is not an option. So instead I drag myself out of bed and do what I have to do for Mom, Dad and Lilac. Responsibility doesn't end even when I feel like crap.
When I do have a spare moment my mind wanders to the past. In particular to the times when I had brief moments of happiness. None of them lasted obviously or I wouldn't be alone now.
This part is the worst. Remembering the pain of the breakups. Dissecting it like some scientist and examining it trying to figure out what went wrong and how to stop it from happening again.
Poking at old wounds won't change anything. All it does is make me feel worse. I know I am not a bad person. I also know that I have more good qualities than I have bad ones. Still it can't always be the other persons fault. Logic tells me that the majority of the problem is me.
Digging into the wounds of my past failures and the pain that still haunts me is cruel to myself. All that time thinking about who did what to whom, doesn't mean a thing when my panic sets in. It just makes me feel like I am on an out of control sled about to crash into a really big tree.
At that moment I wish with all my heart for someone to talk to. A kind, caring voice to say "hold on, breath, it's gonna be just fine" Then I realize I have no one to do that for me.
So , I get a towel and cry into it. Silently so no one can hear me. Feeling as if I am the loneliest person on Earth. Begging for my heartache to stop. When that doesn't happen. I say these words "Nothing matters, I don't matter . You will never have the life you dream of.
Turning off my desire for better things is becoming easier with practice. Companionship, affection, friendship and love to name a few. Those things belong to others .... and never will to me. My place is to encourage and do things for them.... because 'I don't matter, never will"
No comments:
Post a Comment