"YOU ARE FAT"

I have not ever tried to plan ahead before. Maybe that's why I never finish anything. It's time to change that habit for a new way of thinking. The first thing I need to succeed is instructions. Cookies for kids is a cook book that I use. The recipes are simple and written out step by step. 1-2-3 done.

My goal right now is to make permanent changes to my lifestyle. Quitting is not an option this time. everdayhealth.com is a site that makes eating healthy nearly as simple as those recipes. It has a calorie and activity log as well as a weight loss tracker that makes planing nutritious meals simple and fun.

I have a goal, I have a plan , and I have tools. Sounds like a sure thing. Unless there is something that makes me doubt that I can finish what I have begun.

Self image is something that I struggle with and have for longer than I can recall. You are "fat". I was 10 years old the first time I heard that. Dieting has been a part of my life ever since . No matter what my weight was at any given time I have seen myself as "fat". When I look back at pictures I can see the truth.

Seeing is believing. But believing changes the way you see things. I am working on my self image. The way I think I look as opposed to how I really look. It's not easy and it may not be pleasant at times. Even so it has to be done.

"EVER FORWARD"

"Quality not Quantity"

I didn't want to get out of bed again today, not even to blog.

I couldn't think of anything that I needed to explore. There was nothing that I needed to get off my chest. In fact as I thought about it I felt pretty darn good . There was a sense of peace and hope in my heart. I was aware of some minor aches and pains as well, but nothing major.

I realized that I did have a topic . So, I concentrated on the good feeling in my heart. Closed my eyes, focused on breathing and relaxed. I was able to get in touch with what I was feeling at that moment. A spark of hope glowed deep inside me. I held it gently in my mind and began picturing that spark becoming a flame.

I had doubts about my tool box. I thought that I needed to fill it up. I was totally wrong about that . Its the quality of the tools not the quantity that matters.

The tool for the day is called Mindfulness. This is described as being completely in touch with and aware of the present moment, as well as not thinking everything has to be good or evil. A mindful approach is to view "thoughts as thoughts" and neither labeling them as positive or negative.
"Ever Forward"

Everyone lies

Everyone lies. Dr. Gregory House is the source of that bit of wisdom. It is a cynical statement at first glance, but it is also a irrefutable fact of life.

Telling lies always seem like a good idea at first. However in the long run it never ends well. I like to say that I am too lazy to lie. They are too hard to hide. The quickest way to get caught at being deceitful is to slip up and contradict yourself.

"What did I do to deserve this ? " All my life I have blamed myself first when something goes wrong. This time that is simply not an option.

Yes, Everyone lies, as I stated before. I can't change that. The only thing I am in control of is the way I react. I refuse to play the role of victim any more.

Now, it's time to dig in the tool box again and get to work. The tool I have selected for this job is called "Radical Acceptance".

Radical acceptance is the practice of accepting life on its own terms and finding effective strategies to cope with whatever is happening. It doesn't mean being passive, but accepting "what is" with the understanding that you have the power of choice. Practicing radical acceptance is a choice that can ease stress and depression and enhance your overall quality of life.

This says it all better than I could. I will close with these words. Ever Forward !

Why Diets Never work

From the time we start to crawl people have been telling us 'NO". It's not a fun word it's a punishment.

Diets are like that. Everything that taste good is a not allowed. No french fries, No cheeseburgers, No chocolate ... On and on ...till all you can think about is what you can't have.

I have quit dieting. It is a recipe for failure every time. I am changing my lifestyle instead. I am taking each day and making healthy choices. This morning I wanted something sweet and crunchy. I had planned for this and had my Pizzelles at the ready. I also had some fresh strawberries and low cal yogurt.I put the strawberries in a bowl and poured the yogurt over the top. Then I broke up 2 of the cookies and put that on top. Voila I had what I wanted and it was healthy as well `120 calories total. It tasted incredibly sinful but it was innocent as can be.

To heck with diets ---I am gonna "live it" instead! Ever Forward !!!

Tools

My Daddy is the best one in all the world...He is the only man who was there for me whenever I needed him, no matter what. I took that for granted until about a year ago when we almost lost him.

He is an amazing man. A man who worked with his hands all his life. He could fix anything. Fear of failure never slowed him down. His curiosity about how things worked drove him to look inside to see for himself. Once he opened a brand new microwave for that very reason.

He is a self made man, never graduated from High School. He was at work as an Operating Engineer at the age of 19. He recently got a gold watch to honor him for being in the Union for 50 years. But in reality he was on the job for a bit longer.
One time when my son was in kinder garden I bought him a new "Power Ranger" toy. I was watching him play with it and I said. "You are gonna break that if you don't be more careful ". He looked up at me and said " It's ok , Pop can fix anything." Out of the mouths of babes. *lol*

I still think of that day, even now that my son is a grown man. My Daddy could fix anything. If he didn't already know how, he found out somehow. Then the next time that problem came up he knew just what to do.

You can fix anything with the right tool for the job. If you know how to use the tool that is . He has tools everywhere. In the basement, the garage and the shed. If nothing was quite right he used what he had and made it work. I have seen him do amazing things with a rusty chain a scrap of wood and a cinder block.

My son is like his "Pop" He is not afraid to tackle any job. He gets a book , searches the web, whatever it takes to find out how to. Then he gets what he needs and dives right in. He is the joy of my life. I love him very much, he is a good man.

The last 2 days have been very busy ones for me. I accomplished a lot. Both days I had to do some things and I did them. I was so busy I didn't have time to think.

Today there is nothing that I have to do. But I want to have that rush from accomplishing something , anything. I need to get motivated.

As I lay in my bed this morning the words "I can't" started sneaking in to my thoughts again. My whole day could have been a downer if I let that win.

So I searched and searched through my little tool box of coping skills until I found the right one. I took it in my hand and then smiled.

I worked at a store called Target once. The catch phrase for motivating the employees was, "I can do that" .We were gathered before the store opened and made to watch corny little motivational videos. It was annoying and the little song is still stuck in my head. "I can do that, I can do that... I can do anything ...I can do that" I hated it it was demeaning, like being treated like a brainless idiot.

Now , here I am using that stupid phrase to help me through this day. If someone had told me that phrase was a useful tool, I would have laughed in their face.

The right tool isn't always pretty and shiny and new. It could be a rusty chain, a scrap of wood and a cinder block. Like my Daddy I am gonna take this tool and dive in to this day. Once I do that, in the future I will know just what to do.

Frankly my dear ...

Most people just don't understand Depression. They say everyone gets sad. "All you have to do is think happy thoughts". I look at them and say , add some pixie dust and I can fly like Peter Pan.

These people don't get it, never will. They resent the fact that I don't work. I don't look disabled. So they assume that I am just a lazy, good for nothing freeloader.

If I believed them I would give up. Instead I go to my Psychiatrist and my counselor appointments and take my medicine. I have come a long way since '04 when I was diagnosed as Bi-Polar. I still have days when I simply can't function. Those are fewer and farther between now.

I have happy days and sad days just like everyone. Just because I am happy sometimes doesn't mean that I am "Cured". It just means that I am coping with my life exactly as it is. I know this this to be true , I live this everyday . But I also know that it would be a waste of breath to even attempt to explain it to them.

In closing I am gonna quote a line from "Gone with the Wind" that could be used in answer to those people that try to force their opinions on me.

"Frankly my dear , I don't give a damn"

Winning scares me.

"Winners never quit and quitters never win."

I know how to quit. I have done it all my life. Marriage, learning to crochet, swim, ride a bicycle and many other things. Giving birth to my son is one thing I did finish. He pretty much gave me no option on that one. lol

Quitting is my friend. Winning on the other hand scares me. I can encourage other people on to victory and I do so every chance I get. I honestly don't want to win. It's easier to quit all the time then to win some of the time. Trying and failing sucks.

I lack faith in myself. I believe that I don't deserve the things that others seem to take for granted in life. I am a cheerleader on the sidelines . I can praise and encourage others it makes me feel useful. When they compliment me for something I do , or how I look I think they are just being nice.

I don't see the good things about myself that others say exist. I see a quitter; an overweight plain woman who talks too much and says nothing. Nice to know but, you would be ashamed to introduce to your family and your "real friends".

If I expect nothing out of life I won't ever be disappointed. By clinging to that belief I set myself up for failure every time . I am working on learning to see myself in a different way. This blog is becoming a way to accomplish that and it has already helped me be happier in my daily life.

If I can see it ,then I can do it
If I just believe it , theres nothing to it...

"Can't" Never "Could" do "Nothing"

I had a headache when I woke up this morning. Right away my mind started filling with the words "I can't" . One "I can't" turned into an army. They lined up in endless rows, with weapons at the ready.

I can't get out of bed. I can't get dressed. I can't go to the store. I can't blog... On and on. They were armed to the teeth and gaining ground fast. The little suckers seemed invincible.

With each "I can't" came more tension and stress. This caused every other ache in my body to hurt. Like little kids they wanted attention too.

"Can't never could do nothing" is a saying my Mother taught to me. She learned it from her mother. It is a good tool for this situation.

"Obstacles and Roadblocks" Life is full of them each and every day.
I could have viewed that headache as a roadblock and surrendered . I could have gone to bed laid in the dark and felt sorry for myself.

I decided to think of it as an obstacle instead. I stopped took a deep breath and refused to let it stop me from doing what I need to to today. I acknowledged the pain just as it was. I did not think of things that could happen to make it worse. I refused to let it take control of my day.

Taking back control of the day ...."I think I can, I think I can"
I repeated this over and over in my mind while I focused on my breathing. I let all the other thoughts go. When one sneaked back in I acknowledged it then let it go again and focused on my breathing again.


Victory ! It worked, I feel calmer and the headache has even let up. It is now a dull ache lingering on the edge of my consciousness. It is not gone but it is manageable. I changed that army that blocked my road into an obstacle that I can work around. Yippee for me !!!! *big smile*

I am going to end now. I have a few things that I can accomplish today. It's time for me to get moving. "I will , If I can and I'll try.... I think I can, I think I can, I think I can. ....Ever forward!

A jigsaw puzzle in a blender ???

Very recently I was in pretty bad shape. I slept , but I was exhausted all the time. I was having trouble doing the simplest tasks. One day blended into the next and I was struggling to remember to take my medication.

My body ached and I was miserable. I couldn't think straight and I was afraid that I would always feel that way. It felt like the end of the world.

I started to think of people lives as jigsaw puzzles. The pieces fall into place as you work through the stages of your life. First the outline and then the middle. Little by little a picture emerges from the jumble.

For the average person that comparison works pretty well. However
for me and many others things are a little, make that a lot, different.

Our puzzles looks more a Picasso than a Norman Rockwell. Abstract and distorted. It's like some of the pieces have been put into a blender.

The reason for this is called; Bi-Polar Disorder. It is a chemical imbalance in the brain. It is also called Manic Depression.
I won't try to describe the medical part. That's not my purpose at this time. You can read all the technical mumbo jumbo somewhere else.

My posts are my way of giving you a glimpse of some of the obstacles that I face daily. Writing about them has already helped me a lot. I hope that maybe it will help someone who reads them as well.

Cravings

Carry on my wayward son,
For there'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Now don't you cry no more

I just don't have a lot to say today. Yesterday I accomplished a few things that needed to be done. Nothing major just little things. Still they are done and it feels good.

Woke up with that verse above stuck in my head. It says so much . Peace and rest, my mind and body crave it. The only way to find it is to carry on ...

Stop, Look and Listen...

I had so many ideas in my head this morning to write about as I lay in bed this morning. They all held merit , but none of them satisfied me.

Finally I had to say to myself "STOP" . I had to let go of all of that manic inspiration. They were good ideas, but felt wrong somehow.

So as I lay there on my bed ,I shut my eyes and focused on breathing. In then out , count One. In and out count two till I reached 10. Then back at one again. Slowly my thoughts settled and my mind was at peace.

It wasn't easy. My mind wanted to wander aimlessly. But, each time it did I gently led it back to counting the breaths. Starting at one. No blame , no recriminations. I simply acknowledged the thought and let it go.

Then once I was able to calm myself I started to think about what I had just accomplished and how it could be applied to other parts of my life.

I found myself remembering Miss Barbara on Romper Room. I used to love Romper Room , even if she never did see me in that magic mirror.

She taught me to : Stop, Look and Listen before you cross the street, use your eyes and then your ears and then you use your feet.

I don't sing that song anymore when I cross the street. I don't think about that song anymore, haven't for a very , very long time.


Stop, Look and Listen . Useful tools for then and useful tools for now.
Life choices are like crossing that road - think about the game Frogger.

I know my life would probably be a lot different if I had done that a few times. Maybe better maybe worse. Fools rush in... Many times I have made or let myself be made a fool. Anyone who denies that is fooling themselves. Life is the teacher , we are the students. There is no text book , no lesson plan and no final grade. It simply "is what it is".

Stop~~~Look ~~~Listen ......> and ~~~Breath ~~~

Sounds simple four little words. I am tempted to use the word "try" about now. Yoda said something about that word. "Do or Do Not there is no try" So off I go to do- Shoulders back , head up and Eyes on the prize. Stumble I might , fall I may ...but Ever forward !!

There's a monster in my closet

Yesterday after I blogged I felt much better. I was calmer and more accepting of the way my mind works.

I was actually able to do some laundry and get rid of the science experiments accumulated in the fridge. A disgusting and never ending job at our house.

My Mom grew up in the Depression and she saves all the leftovers. Some do get eaten, but some end up as moldy, stinky globs. I can see why she does this. I have never had to go to bed hungry. I can't even imagine what that would feel like, but she does know and the leftovers are like a security blanket for her. She can see them whenever she opens the fridge. Like Scarlett O'Hara she will 'Never go hungry again" She fears "Hunger"

Monsters in the closet are a fear that small children often have. They have never seen the monster, but they can tell you what it looks like and even how it sounds. You can explain to the child that monsters are not real. Even if you open the closet and show the child that there is nothing to fear it is not gonna work. They can see what you are trying to convince them of, but they believe in that monster and that is that.

The fear they feel is real ... and because of that, so is the monster.

Adults have Monsters that they fear as well. My monsters live in my head. One of them is doubt, another is guilt, jealousy and fear are there too and so is sadness, anger , disappointment, and remorse. They brought some friends too but I think that you get the picture.

To quote my favorite TMNT Michaelangelo "Bummer Dude !"

It's not wrong to feel these emotions. The problem is when I let my imagination run away with me. That's when the monsters start to growl louder and louder. A tiny monster grows to gigantic size in an instant.

So what are my choices to stop this from happening ?

One would be to imagine a big iron box that I could put the monsters in and wrap it with a chain. I could put a few heavy duty locks on. Then toss it in the basement ....All done .... My monsters are trapped.

Trapped , but not dead. Emotions are a part of all of us. Even Spock , the logical Vulcan/human had to struggle with his emotions. We need to feel things. Good and bad and indifferent. Life is made of emotions.

Another option is obviously needed.... What to do ??

I could let them win. Surrender to them , let them run wild until they have worn me out. They will cause damage to self image, relationships and my life in general. But it's a lot easier than trying to trap them.

Easier but more painful. It also leads me deeper into the Monsters home ground. I know that there are more of them back there waiting for a chance to surround me and eat me alive. No .. No...No !!! I don't like that idea at all ...Quite frankly it sounds like a suicide mission.

I need to think ...but the monsters are lurking on the edge of my mind watching and listening. Their whispers make me uneasy and scared. I can't think . I need to think. I wish they would just let me be.

There is a saying "Keep your friends close, and your enemies even closer" That's it !!!

What if instead of trapping the monsters --or surrendering to them--I make friends with them ?

It will take time and lots of effort ... and it won't be easy ... and sometimes it will be so hard that I want to give up. But if I want to live my life , feel some measure of peace and be happy -I have to work at it.

So my plan is to meet them one by one. I need to learn about them discover what makes them tick. Then maybe then I can live without fearing them, or imagining them to be more than what they really are.

Because these monsters are real ... they are here to stay and the nature of them is n0t going to change. I can't trap them or give in to them.

I can however observe them. Learn all I can about them, After that the idea is to learn to live with them. Kind of like Jane Goodall did with chimpanzees. Fear loves the shadows ... It's time to turn on the lights.

Consider the serenity prayer;

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
( my emotions positive and negative )

Courage to change the things I can.
(My response to my emotions)

And the wisdom to know the difference.
(wisdom does not equal genius -it just means taking what you know and adding to it as you go ...life is a learning process not the final exam.)

Wherever I go ...There I am.

The shower is often the place where I can puzzle out things that are bothering me. It is soothing and refreshing. I can let my mind drift lost in the sensation of the water on my skin.

Sometimes I come up with plans for the day while I am washing my hair and I come out ready to tackle my goal. Other times its just a way to get clean. But on my down days it is a place to sob out my frustrations and let the water wash them down the drain.


Today I neither cried nor formed a plan. I did get clean , but I don't feel refreshed or at peace.

Instead I am more unsettled than I was before I started. My nerves are jumping and my mind is racing. The simplest way to describe what I feel when I try to think is to compare it to a road map.

To get from point A to point B on a map you simply follow the curves of the road. sometimes you have to leave one road and take another to get to your destination, but still it is a set path. I am not going to factor in the possibility of getting lost , road blocks or detours. They do exist but for my purposes it is not relevant.

Now here is the image that keeps popping into my head today. My thoughts are not that well defined road map. There is no beginning and no end. No start and no finish.
My thoughts are tangled and knotted, looped and twisted. Imagine an endless garden hose laying there before you in a convoluted pile.

I have the nozzle in my hand and I want to untangle it , but every time I try I just make things worse and get frustrated. It is frustrating and infuriating. I want to just follow that road map. I can see other people all around me doing that. Why can't I be like them ?

It's not fair ! It's too hard ! I am tired ! Leave me alone ! I want to give up ... I want to quit, but the thoughts are trying to get through like the water in that hose and the pressure is building as well. All I want is to live a simple peaceful life. That's not such a big deal , should be easy.

But for me it's not ... It's a battle within, a war against myself, and the struggle is exhausting me physically and emotionally. The problem is my enemy knows all my self doubts, my weaknesses and my past failures and is not above any dirty tactic to bring me to my knees.

I know what I need to do. I know what I want to do. But , that first step ....that's the struggle that I must face today. I am hitting knots and dead ends. False starts and sudden stops. I want to try ,but I also want to quit. Sometimes I even want to run and hide. There is no escape . Wherever I go there I am.

Now , the question I am asking myself is: Am I prepared to fight this battle ? Do I value myself enough to make the effort ? Do I want to stand and live or quit and crawl away.

It all hinges on one word. Faith ? A leap of faith is needed. Faith in myself. Success or failure is in my hands right now ...I hold my own destiny , there is no magic solution ....I can't wish my troubles away. I am the problem and the solution - I can quit or I can fight.

I don't think that I am the only one struggling this way ....I know I am not ....Each of us has things that we struggle with whether we realize it or not.

In writing this down I am helping myself sort out the tangles in that hose. It is my hope that along the way I will meet someone who is struggling too.

To those people my message is simple; "You are not alone"

I am "NOT" Normal !

Where to start ? This seemed so much easier when it was just an idea inside my head. My grandiose ideas seem to have headed for the hills. lol

I guess the best way to start is at the beginning of when I first realized that I do not think like a "Normal" person.
Now "Normal" is not a word that I am comfortable with at all. To me it implies that there is somewhere out there a blueprint or maybe a recipe for the ideal human being.
Height, color, shape, brain size... etc and so on.

What if we all could be that ideal ...Perfect .... model citizen of the planet Earth ?
We would all look alike, sound alike , think alike ...

Where would the Artists be, the Muscians , the inventors the innovators and free thinkers ? The people who look at the same world we all see but see solutions where the rest of us can only see the problem. The ones who give us music and art and bring beauty to our lives.

Are these people Abnormal because they don't work a 9-5 job behind a counter or desk ? What about the people who get their hands dirty working on your car , keeping your Telephone working or fighting fires ? Are they the normal ones ?

Education, Ethnicity, Geographical location, Family values, ...Whatever you experience - How you are raised, How you interact within your family , what your neighborhood is like, and even your self esteem are just a few of the things that define you as an individual.
Like snowflakes --No 2 humans are exactly the same ---Not even Identical twins.

So the fact that I do not think like a 'Normal Person" does not disturb me ....It excites me ! For you see ---I am not another cog to grind in a machine -Interchangeable and disposable. I am me ! The only one like me ---A diamond in the rough - Life is the jeweler and each experience that happens is one more cut...
The result ? Only time will tell . Will I shine or will I end up as diamond dust...The ultimate value is not in the end result --It is in the day to day process ... That which we call "Life"