Wherever I go ...There I am.

The shower is often the place where I can puzzle out things that are bothering me. It is soothing and refreshing. I can let my mind drift lost in the sensation of the water on my skin.

Sometimes I come up with plans for the day while I am washing my hair and I come out ready to tackle my goal. Other times its just a way to get clean. But on my down days it is a place to sob out my frustrations and let the water wash them down the drain.


Today I neither cried nor formed a plan. I did get clean , but I don't feel refreshed or at peace.

Instead I am more unsettled than I was before I started. My nerves are jumping and my mind is racing. The simplest way to describe what I feel when I try to think is to compare it to a road map.

To get from point A to point B on a map you simply follow the curves of the road. sometimes you have to leave one road and take another to get to your destination, but still it is a set path. I am not going to factor in the possibility of getting lost , road blocks or detours. They do exist but for my purposes it is not relevant.

Now here is the image that keeps popping into my head today. My thoughts are not that well defined road map. There is no beginning and no end. No start and no finish.
My thoughts are tangled and knotted, looped and twisted. Imagine an endless garden hose laying there before you in a convoluted pile.

I have the nozzle in my hand and I want to untangle it , but every time I try I just make things worse and get frustrated. It is frustrating and infuriating. I want to just follow that road map. I can see other people all around me doing that. Why can't I be like them ?

It's not fair ! It's too hard ! I am tired ! Leave me alone ! I want to give up ... I want to quit, but the thoughts are trying to get through like the water in that hose and the pressure is building as well. All I want is to live a simple peaceful life. That's not such a big deal , should be easy.

But for me it's not ... It's a battle within, a war against myself, and the struggle is exhausting me physically and emotionally. The problem is my enemy knows all my self doubts, my weaknesses and my past failures and is not above any dirty tactic to bring me to my knees.

I know what I need to do. I know what I want to do. But , that first step ....that's the struggle that I must face today. I am hitting knots and dead ends. False starts and sudden stops. I want to try ,but I also want to quit. Sometimes I even want to run and hide. There is no escape . Wherever I go there I am.

Now , the question I am asking myself is: Am I prepared to fight this battle ? Do I value myself enough to make the effort ? Do I want to stand and live or quit and crawl away.

It all hinges on one word. Faith ? A leap of faith is needed. Faith in myself. Success or failure is in my hands right now ...I hold my own destiny , there is no magic solution ....I can't wish my troubles away. I am the problem and the solution - I can quit or I can fight.

I don't think that I am the only one struggling this way ....I know I am not ....Each of us has things that we struggle with whether we realize it or not.

In writing this down I am helping myself sort out the tangles in that hose. It is my hope that along the way I will meet someone who is struggling too.

To those people my message is simple; "You are not alone"