Reality Unborn

During good times I sing in the shower, accomplish things and smile. I walk with my head high, and a spring in my step. My mind is calm and I like myself. I am proud to be my own open minded, caring, imperfect woman. Imperfection is a badge of honor which I wear proudly.

Then there are the bad times. During those times I cry in the shower, or don't shower at all. I can't see anying good about myself. I am my worst critic, and I have no mercy at all.

I can't stand "perfect people" (or so they think). I would be out of place in a fancy restaurant or formal party. So really it is a waste of time and emotion to be so hung up on my imperfections. My friends are certainly not perfect and I love every flaw and wrinkle they have.

That last paragraph says it all really. Those words are what I need to think about when I start beating myself down. Sometimes I have to put a lot of thought into what to say. at other times my fingers fly and my thoughts flow onto the screen without hesitation.

There is no clever ending this time. All I have this time is some important things to think about. Which is a good thing in this case. Because thoughts are only a new reality unborn.

Norma Jean

I found this quote just when I need it. I can't say more except. Thank you Norma Jean

The person behind the mania

I hardly ever know what day it is. It doesn't really matter to me anyway. My life revolves around turning my Dad at noon and 8 and taking care of Lilac. Other than that I do the usual things like laundry, getting the mail, grocery shopping and Dr. appointments. Sometimes I feel like I am operating on automatic pilot like a robot. This must be sort of like being locked in prison. Solitary with no hope for parole. Sleep is my only escape from the monotony.

When my depression takes hold, I sob into my pillow. Praying to, arguing with and cursing God. Begging and pleading for the pain to end. Those are the worst times for me. The sadness I feel is like an anvil on my chest and it's hard to breath. Lilac is a great dog and a good companion too. Talking to her and holding her in my arms makes life more bearable. It's just not the same as talking to a person, who will answer me back. I started to exercise a bit and that feels good. Regardless of that I still feel isolated. I feel lost and invisible like no one can see or hear me.

That's when I wish I had a friend to talk to. Someone who would say "Lets go for a drive" or "Lets catch a movie" or "lets go for a walk ". Anything at all as long as it got me off this 6 acres. As long as I could relax a bit and share a laugh or 2, I would be happy.

I thought I would find that on a dating site. After several tries I found out that I was very wrong. Some of them were decent guys and some of them were just plain old creeps. They all met me liked me, got to know me and then left me without a backwards glance.

So now I don't have any expectations of finding Mr. Right. I would be happier just to find a friend that I can lean on when my knees get weak. A person who will hold my hand or cradle me in their arms when I feel like I am going to shatter into a million pieces. I used to have a girl friend that I could call when I was upset. I loaned her money and ruined that. Plus she moved about 100 miles away, so I can't spend time with her anymore.

All the people I know are married and too busy with their own lives to bother with me. I am not into bars and I don't fit in with the church crowd. So for now I am flying solo.

When I was a teenager there was a girl I knew who had been in a mental hospital. I really tried to talk to her, but it made me feel uncomfortable. Now the shoe is on the other foot, and I am the nice girl who makes other people uncomfortable.

I am the woman behind the mania. All I want is to live, laugh and love just like everyone else. A best friend is what I wish for. Like Ethel and Lucy, that would add some spice to my life.

What am I looking for in a man ?

Most people would describe physical attributes I suppose , but I am not like "Most People".

For me looks are not a priority. Although there are things that turn me off like no chin or a guy with a six pack. I don't go for the pretty boys. I am attracted to average guys with a good sense of humor. I don't much care if he has a fancy car or house either. That doesn't do it for me. As long as he is able to take me out on a nice date, all is good. I'm not materialistic, just realistic.

The qualities I appreciate most are honesty, a sense of humor, kindness, treating others with respect, non-judgmental, open minded, good communicator and keeps his word to me.
Plus he has to love dogs. I will not be with a cat person -Yuck !

I am not a bar or club type person. Long drives in the country , picnics , thrift stores and a quiet evening at home preparing a meal together and cuddling up and watching a movie are more my style. We used to have a large garden and I miss the satisfaction of digging in the earth and planting things. Nothing tastes better than vegetables grown with your own hands.

I would like to travel a bit when I am free to do so. Right now my parents need me so I am not able to do so. But it is something that I would very much like to do in the future.

I suppose when I look back at what I have written there is a theme. I am looking for an average type guy. One who is self sufficient, but not necessarily loaded with money. Someone to spend time with enjoying the simple pleasures that most people speed by without seeing. He should also be self confident, but willing to listen to other peoples ideas and learn from them.

Most important he must be able and willing to talk about things, instead of holding them inside. Being Bi-polar is not easy for anyone too live with. I know my mood swings are not easy to cope with. It's easy for someone to walk away from me because of that. I don't have that option. The man for me needs to be able to see things from my view, and be supportive and understanding when I hit a rough spot. By that I don't mean telling me that I should be happy. If that worked the pharmaceutical companies would have a hell of a class action suit brought against them.

This is awfully long and rambling. I don't see a way to organize it. So many thoughts are in my head right now that it is spinning. So I am not going to change it in any way.

I do want to add one thing. Marriage is very important to some women. If a man asked me I would consider it. At this point in my life I am not going to rush into something like that.

Personally a marriage ceremony is not a priority for me. If a man stood up with me in front of our family and friends and simply stated his love and made a verbal commitment to me that would mean more to me than any legal marriage license ever could.

I did the church wedding once, and it did not end well. I regret it very much now. At the time I was not mature enough to know that I was making a huge mistake.

Love is many things, but it does not need a legal document to make it lasting and real. I would never push a man to make more of a commitment than we both agree on.

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love & affection."

A friend of mine on Face book told me a while back that I see only the good in other people even when I should be seeing the bad. He is right, I do that all the time and it usually comes back to bite me in the ass eventually. Not always but the majority of the time.

The opposite is true when I look at myself. I can only see my flaws and weaknesses. The double chin, flabby thighs and upper arms and the rolls of fat around my middle. My stomach is what I hate the most. It wouldn't be so bad if it was just fat. But with all my surgical scars it is awful to look at. I can't stand to look at it myself, so I can't blame others for not wanting to see it.

It's so easy for me to look in my heart and say nice things to other people. It makes me feels so good to show them affection , appreciation and acceptance. To let them know that someone cares about them no matter what. I don't pick my friends because of the way they look. I pick them for the way they treat me and others. Yet despite that I still struggle with my self image. The question I have is. How can I see my own good qualities as clearly as I see those of others ? How can I learn to accept myself as a good person fat , scars, wrinkles and all ?

Visualization is the tool I am trying right now. I am thinking of the things I like about myself as warm soothing water in an old metal bath tub. Like the one in the movie "The Secretary"

The part I love is when he rinses her hair for her. I would have given anything to have been in her place. To be cherished and cared for like that is what I want more than anything else.

Sensuality and touching is a big turn on to me. When I am comfortable with a man I like to close my eyes and explore his body with my hands, kiss him with my lips and taste him with my tongue. For me that is an incredible rush. It hasn't happened very often. Only if I truly trust someone enough to let go of my insecurities and inhibitions can I let myself go like that.

OOPS ... My mind wandered for a moment. But it felt really, really good ...So fuck it ...I am leaving that part in. It may end up as the inspiration for something in the future .

OK ... back to the tub. The things I like about myself would be the warm water in the tub. Acceptance of those things would be me getting into the tub. Simple but not easy at all.

Niels my counselor is helping me see the good in myself. He says that he wishes more people could be like me. Compassion and Empathy are what he says he admires most about me. He says few people possess those qualities. I have a vague idea of what the words mean. But I want to be sure I am on the right track. So I looked them up on-line and posted it here.

Compassion is a sense of shared suffering , most often combined with the desire to alleviate or reduce such suffering. Compassionate acts are generally considered those which take into account the suffering of others and attempt to alleviate that suffering as if it were one's own. In this sense, the various forms of the Golden Rule are clearly based in the concept of compassion.

What is empathy? It is an emotional process that builds connection between persons. It is a state of perceiving and relating to another person's feelings and needs without the need to blame, give advice or fix the situation. Empathy also means "reading" another person's inner state and interpreting it into understandable conversation which supports mutual trust.

First I have to say to myself that I have these qualities. (which I do) Next I examine the way having them makes me feel. Which is a warm feeling in my heart because I have done something good just for the joy if it. Also, a bit of pride that I can comfort and help people. It also makes me feel needed and useful which are probably the best things of all to me.

Next I imagine Compassion and Empathy filling my tub. The steam rising off them lures me to slip into the water and let my cares, aches and tension melt away in its soothing depths.

So that's what I do. The warmth is luxurious, it soothes me body and soul. I close my eyes and savor it ... I plant the good feelings firmly in my mind and heart. Saving them for the future when I need a reminder of the pleasure that self acceptance holds for me.

This will probably be a lifetime struggle for me. However , if I want to find inner peace and feel better about myself I must make the effort. No one else can do it for me.

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love & affection."

This quote from Buddha seems a fitting way to end this blog. I don't think a few years back I would have been as open as I am now to quoting Buddhism.

I find comfort in it because much of it is based on beliefs that I have held all my life. As my good friend Rope said today "whatever works for you" Wise words from a wise man. **wink**

My Mother

No matter how many times I tell my Mother that I am not coping well right now she keeps on pushing at me. Today we almost fought over whether we needed to buy olives and pop for my son. I told her we had them and had to show her too. Instead of getting upset I reminded her several times that I can't cope with a lot of extra things right now. She did not like the way I handled the situation and asked me not to use "that tone of voice" while my son is here because it upsets him
.
In reply I told her to stop treating me like a 4 yr old. She said she doesn't, I said "yes you do every time I do something you micromanage me like I am a child. I am 46 yrs old and a simple yes or no should be enough when I say something is taken care of.

"That tone of voice"as she calls it is better than me crying or us fighting . Even though my nerves are on edge and I am very depressed I am keeping my cool. She may not appreciate my approach but it is the lesser of 2 evils. I will not let her bait me into a fight no matter what.

I will make this holiday as nice as possible for my son. It is taking a lot of effort to keep my head above water right now. My son is all that matters, I will dog paddle as hard and long as I can for him. He is the one bright spot in my life, I love him with all my heart and am very proud of him.

True Confessions

Jealousy is an ugly word. It isn't an attractive trait either. Even so I freely confess that I am a jealous person. Other women make me feel inferior and unattractive. Unless they look like the old lady from the Wendys commercial. I can always see the good in them, but seldom in myself.

On rare occasions I do think that I am pretty. NOT beautiful, just pretty. (That was hard to type by the way.) Mostly though when I look in the mirror I see the little bags under my eyes , chicken pox scars and all my other flaws. I do not have any mirrors in my bedroom by choice.

The worst for me is seeing myself naked. Many years ago I bought Richard Simmons book. "Never say Diet" In it was a drawing of an obese man and woman. It showed the rolls of fat on them. Looking at them repulsed me. Now many years later I am that woman rolls of fat and all.

Now, back to the jealousy. Recently a friend of mine showed me a detective magazine cover he had created. It was a sexy picture of a very pretty young woman with long blonde hair , big boobs and a curvy figure.

As his friend I should have been happy that he was doing something he enjoyed. But I couldn't be happy for him, all I could think of was how much more attractive she was than me. I was jealous too, because she was getting his attention instead of me.

While I am spilling my guts I might as well add this one. Sometimes my blogs are blunt because I wonder if he is reading them and cares enough to call or e-mail me. A test to see if he cares enough to reach out to me, or if he's just not reading this stuff at all. The better choice would be to reach out to him but I don't.

Recently I joined the "Lose It" site because he is on there and I thought it would be motivating to me to have him as a diet buddy. I didn't last very long on there and this is why. Alana is her name, she is a sore point to me. There she was every time I looked at his profile like a thorn in my side. Those 2 shared something very special and I totally respect that. Hearing about the good times they had together with his family is beautiful and painful at the same time.

The jealousy part is that she was part of his public life and I am not. I asked him to take me out for my birthday this year for 2 reasons. First I don't want to be alone that day and secondly because I want to see if he will go out in public with me or not.

I don't know if he will read this or how he will react to what I have written. All I do know is that if I am going to have better self esteem I have to start somewhere.

This blog is the opposite of what I usually do. Instead of holding all this negativity inside I am putting it in the light and looking at it for what it really is.

What is it ? My jealousy is a monster of my own making. Not all women look the same or are the same in any way. Being attractive is not determined by a list of traits.

Loneliness is at the root of my jealousy along with isolation. Throw in my recent dating failures and the end result is the way I feel now. Rejected and undesirable.

In conclusion to this confession I want to apologize.

I am sorry that I can't see the good in myself. I am sorry that insecurity and my poor self esteem is keeping me from having the life that I want so very badly. Most of all I am sorry that I lack confidence in myself to be able to believe that anyone would want me for their own.

Writing this will not magically fix things, but at least they are not just in my head anymore.

Alchemy

Alchemy : A medieval chemical philosophy having as its asserted aims the transmutation of base metals into gold.

In my case I don't need to change anything into gold. Instead I need to change my attitude. Right now I am reading a book titled "Savor" that is helping me towards that goal.

There is so much information in the book that I could not possibly describe it. So instead here are a couple of paragraphs from the dust jacket that give a glimpse of what it is about.

"Too many of us are in a cycle of shame and guilt. We spend countless hours worrying about what we ate, or if we exercised enough, blaming ourselves for actions that we can't undo. We are stuck in the past and unable to live in the present- that moment in which we "do" have the power to make changes in our lives. "

"It is the awareness of the present moment , the realization of why we do what we do, that enables us to stop feeling bad and start changing our behavior. Savor not only helps us achieve the healthy weight and well being we seek, but it also brings to the surface the rich abundance of life available to us every moment. "

The actions I have taken so far are taking a vacation from facebook, reading this book, making room in my bedroom so I can exercise. I even brought my Total gym out of retirement. I plan to use it in place of of stuffing my face when I am sad, lonely, bored or upset.

Eventually I want to start back doing my Leslie Sansone walk dvds. They really helped me when I did them in the past. Right now I just have to take it slow, because my left knee hurts and is a bit swollen from Arthritis. That won't stop me , it just means I need to be careful.

I am learning to recognize and work toward changing the reasons I don't take care of myself. Skinny people will say it's because I sit around and stuff my face. For myself Stress, poor self esteem and my depression and anxiety attacks are why whatever diet I try always fails.

So what to do ? For a moment Imagine that your body is a car. Not just any car either. You are a sexy sports car like a Corvette Stingray. We could restore you to original, make you so gorgeous that everyone would want to be your friend. That would be really cool. Wouldn't it ?

Popularity , beauty, money anything your heart could desire would be at your finger tips. That is until they open the hood and see that your engine is missing. All that gleaming chrome and shining finish will get you nowhere fast. The engine is what brings your sexy body to life.

The same is true for our bodies. No matter how hard we work to make the outside attractive to others, it is what drives us that matters most. Just like that car won't go anywhere without an engine, our bodies won't thrive without desire to succeed and most of all the belief that we can.

Savor is helping me to think more kindly about my body. It has shown me that worry, regret, shame and guilt are stopping me from making changes in my life.

By allowing myself to dwell on past mistakes and regrets I am dooming every attempt I make at losing weight. I can't change the past, but I can change the future, by living in the present.

My counselor Niels tells me " there are somethings in life that you will never know exactly why they happened. Accepting that is a huge struggle for me. I want things to be tied up with a ribbon and resolved. Life only works that way for little kids, because Mom and Dad make it so.

A part of me is afraid of believing that good things will happen for me. When I start to feel really happy with someone a little voice says "You are gonna mess up like always" So I push people away and make myself fail once more. Then I cry and tell myself that it is all my fault. because I am not good enough. Too old, too fat, too crazy, too boring, not good in bed. etc...

So to get back to my original thought I need to change my attitude. My thought process of all or nothing, win or lose. That is what stops me from success in my life. It won't be easy and it won't be pleasant. Life seldom is ... I must face my demons and win ... Can I ? Only time will tell.

Magic

Today I accomplished a few things that I have been putting off too long. I got the leaf blower out and tackled the deck. Moved some things around in my bedroom so I can set up my Total Gym I even did a bit of cleaning and a load of laundry. I also started reading a book, something I haven't done in a very long time. All of this because I deactivated my Face book account. The people on there were getting on my nerves, their happiness made me feel awful inside.

This is a hard time of the year for me. Today is my parents 58th wedding anniversary. My son just had his 22nd birthday on the 19th. Thanksgiving is coming up as well. This year we are ordering from Bob Evans. Neither me nor my Mom want to cook and my son doesn't have time.

Dad is on my mind a lot these days. I miss him so much it hurts. He isn't dead, but he is not the same person he used to be. I would gladly give 20 years off my life to have him up and around and able to hold a conversation. I even miss him blowing his nose at the dinner table.

Another memory that is on my mind is helping Mom clean the house top to bottom for the holidays. Then she would climb up into the attic and hand down the boxes of Christmas decorations. No matter how many times we put up those same things it always felt magical. It was like the whole house felt different than it did every other day of the year.

Now we just go through the motions at Christmas. Tree , presents and ham. There is too much clutter for me and Mom to clean like we used to. Plus we just don't have the energy or drive to try to bring any sense of order to the chaos. There is no magic in this house anymore.

This year my son is not here and Dad has been bedridden for over 6 years. It seems pointless to bother digging out any of the decorations, as they don't really mean as much as they used to. It would just be extra work for no reason.

Christmas is more than tinsel on a tree or presents under it . The real Christmas joy comes from traditions and family. Our family is dysfunctional to the extreme and spread far apart. Which is how we all like it, so we can avoid drama. Yet part of me still longs for the red bells strung across the beams of the old house. The nativity scene I was fascinated with as a child and the little angel who is missing the tips of her fingers because I chewed them off when I was little.

Those times and that feeling of magic only exist deep in my heart, along with the memories of my Dad the way he used to be. Nothing, not even depression can take those special moments away from me. They are my treasures to keep forever and not all the riches on Earth can take their place.

For God so loved the world...

I hate myself today. I hated myself yesterday, I will hate myself tomorrow.Losing weight won't change that. Growing my hair long won't either. Nothing will ever change that ...

I don't have a life. I have no friends to talk to when I feel lonely. No one to hang out with. Lilac my dog is a good companion, but she can't carry on a conversation. She is a good listener though.

Right now I am trying to accept the fact that I will most likely never find a man who is willing to put up with my illness. I am trying to let the desire to be in a loving relationship die. Which is a slow and painful process to say the least. The hardest part is no matter how many times I fail at love I still want it so badly.

It isn't fair that I am this way . If there is a God I am really angry with him right now. What did he do ? Draw my name out of a hat ? This baby will grow up with an illness that will make her miserable and suffer much mental anguish. No one will ever want to be in a relationship with her. She won't even be able to hold down a job. She will die alone and miserable always longing for what she will never have. She will pray for her pain to end, but it never will .

It doesn't matter to me when people say nice things about me. Kind words and compliments are no substitute for arms wrapped around you and a warm body to snuggle on a long lonely night.

Yes, I hate myself. Hate the way I am, and the fact that there is not one damn thing I can do to change that. All I can do is get through each day and hide each night in the oblivion of sleep.

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son.....I grew up believing in God. Thinking of him as a benevolent, merciful and loving God. Now I don't think any of that is true. The scars on my heart and the tears in my eyes tell me so.

That is how I feel. Even on meds the sorrow is very intense. It feels like a huge weight on my chest making it hard to breath. Despite it all I won't give up for the sake of my son and Lilac.

Sometimes though it is more of a struggle than others to even do the simplest things. Hopefully when it is time for my life to end I will find the peace that escapes me here on Earth. 

Fukkk Offf

All I want is someone who will accept me at my worst as well as my best. Material things mean nothing compared to the warmth of someone to hold me tight. Someone I can hold onto when the world is too much for me too handle. Someone I can call when I need to hear someone say that everything will be just fine.

I don't expect him to be Super Man. I just want him to be my man. There is all this love inside me just waiting till the day I find that special someone to give it to.

Is that too much to hope for ? Does such a person exist ?

All I seem to end up with is users and abusers. They take what they want and dump me like trash. One did it to spite his ex-fiancee. Another because I reminded him of a woman from his past. The rest just for their own amusement.

Times are changing starting here and now !

SO LISTEN UP ALL YOU MOTHER FUCKERS .....

• I am not that woman from your past.
• I am not your unpaid whore.
• I was not put on this Earth to spice up your pathetic, boring life.

If you can't treat me the way you would want your daughter, your sister, your niece, your Mother or any other female in your life that you care about.

Then don't let the door knob hit ya where the good Lord split ya !

I would rather be alone than put up with your shit anymore.

Why bother ?

Every time I have a little fun it just makes things worse for me. I start to resent my lack of freedom and the loneliness is much harder to deal with. An evening or 2 spent away from this house makes my everyday existence just that much worse.

Why do I bother to try anymore ? It would be much easier to accept that my place is here, where I have and will always be.

I probably couldn't even cope with the things I think I want. Even something as simple as dating is impossible for me. There's no way I could ever have a successful long term relationship.

Doctor House says "everyone lies". That seemed like a joke to me when I heard it the first time. Now I know it is very true. Add to that "everyone you meet wants to take something from you"

Pretty lies and false compliments to get you to let down your defenses. Then they take what they want and leave you lying in the dust. It hurts just as much the 10th time as the 1st (trust me)

Being honest and trusting others is a weakness. The golden rule is outdated.It's survival of the one with the lowest morals now.

These are the painful truths that I have learned through disappointment, heartache and the shedding of countless tears.

Like a child pressing their face against a toy shop window I have too often wished for the things that other people seem to get so easily and even worse take for granted.

Every time I get my hopes up that things will be better it blows up in my face. No more !!! I admit defeat. From now on I will not attempt friendships or dating.

If I don't try any more, I won't get hurt anymore.....From now on I am going to remember all the painful lessons I have learned and say "Why Bother ?"

Pointless

It seems like I am stuck here in limbo until my parents pass away. Not that I am in any rush.

After that I don't have a clue where I will end up. All I want at this point is a quiet place where me and my little dog Lilac can live out our lives in peace and solitude.

I don't intend to date anymore. In my opinion I am too set in my ways to deal with having another person in my life. Also I don't find the idea of being part of a couple as appealing as it once was.

All I want is a bit of peace, a quiet little place to call my own . That may not sound like much to other people but to me it sounds like paradise. I don't want to go to Vegas or hike the Grand Canyon. You can have the rest of the world, just let me have my quiet place and let me be.

Tired

The Earth keeps on turning. The days, weeks and months are all the same to me. Tired of getting my hopes crushed over and over. Can't wait for this ride to end.

Believe in yourself

"Believe in yourself " Such a simple concept. If you don't get too philosophical about whether we do exist or not. I believe that I exist as a person. I am a breathing, feeling, living sentient being. I live my life the best I can just like the rest of the folks that share this planet we call "Earth"

Here is the twist. I believe the things I listed above, but I don't believe in my ability to accomplish things, or that I will ever be happy. There are several reasons for that. Primary being that I have never had the chance, or perhaps ability to function very far from my parents home.

Yes, I am one of those pathetic people who still live with Mom and Dad. Originally it was for the sake of my son after my divorce. Now it is because my parents are in too bad of health to live alone. Also, it has always been about lack of money or confidence to strike out on my own. This 6 acres is my whole world.

Making decisions and setting goals is foreign to me. When an opportunity for change or trying something new comes along, I tend to act first and ask questions later. The reason being is that I am afraid that if I hesitate, someone will say "No". That or something will happen to prevent me from being able to do it. I have suffered many times because of this impulsive behavior.

Another reason for my struggle is my poor self esteem. I have never felt like I fit in with other people. Never smart enough, pretty enough and many other things.
( too many to mention here) This is something I can pretend to possess for a very short time. After that I lose it and the real me shows and I am alone again.

Lack of the opportunity to make the decisions and choices that other people do is a huge obstacle for me. Not being allowed to learn how to build friendships is another. Being alone so much and craving friends has taught me to put the other persons needs and desires before my own. The fear of them not liking me has smothered the part of me that believes and desires good things for myself. In other words I don't know what I want, and I don't believe I would ever get if if I did know. I do know one thing ,I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life.

So, when I think of "Believing in myself" I feel sick at my stomach. Wanting things in the long term sense scares me. I know deep inside that something or someone will stop me. That feeling of failure is there before I even try at all.

Instant gratification is how I have functioned all my life. If I can't have it "now", it will never happen at all. Many times I have pushed people away because of this belief. Sensible ? No, but it is what I have been conditioned to believe.

Can I change that ? Can I set a long term goal ? Can I look at myself and say "I like that person". Can I believe that I deserve to be in the game of life, not on the sidelines ? Piece of cake right ? Just do it ! Easy as pie ? Anyone could do it...

I am not anyone. I am "me" This struggle is real and I face it everyday.

Right now it is making me doubt my ability to lose weight. One part of me wants to be able to visualize what I will look and feel like after I shed those pounds. I can't even do that, because I don't have the confidence to believe in my own success.

There is this little voice in my head that says it's never gonna happen. There have been so many attempts and failures over the years. Some were good plans and some were down right stupid and dangerous to my health. I lose and then put it right back on. Besides even if I do nothing will change about my life except the size of my clothes. I will still be unlovable, unattractive and no better off.

Can I control my eating and be more active ? It is certainly a concept I understand. I have a plan of how to do just that. That does require some sense of being in control of my life. "Having a plan" and "doing a plan" are not the same thing. Just like having a map in your car does not mean you will never get lost.

When plans fail I always blame myself. If someone says casually that they will call or "do lunch" and then don't follow through, it is my fault. Logic says that is not true. My self doubt says it is very true. Logic is no match for something I have believed as long as I can remember.

This blog was supposed to be about weight loss. Now that I read it I realize that it is about many things. Like having friends, being independent, self-esteem, and dating. All of these things have knocked me on my ass many times. Each time that happens it is so much harder to get up.

Yet here I am digging for the "courage to begin again" As long as I have breath in my body I might as well keep up the struggle. It's not like my social calender is full or anything.

(sorry no upbeat ending - It is what it is)