Believe in yourself

"Believe in yourself " Such a simple concept. If you don't get too philosophical about whether we do exist or not. I believe that I exist as a person. I am a breathing, feeling, living sentient being. I live my life the best I can just like the rest of the folks that share this planet we call "Earth"

Here is the twist. I believe the things I listed above, but I don't believe in my ability to accomplish things, or that I will ever be happy. There are several reasons for that. Primary being that I have never had the chance, or perhaps ability to function very far from my parents home.

Yes, I am one of those pathetic people who still live with Mom and Dad. Originally it was for the sake of my son after my divorce. Now it is because my parents are in too bad of health to live alone. Also, it has always been about lack of money or confidence to strike out on my own. This 6 acres is my whole world.

Making decisions and setting goals is foreign to me. When an opportunity for change or trying something new comes along, I tend to act first and ask questions later. The reason being is that I am afraid that if I hesitate, someone will say "No". That or something will happen to prevent me from being able to do it. I have suffered many times because of this impulsive behavior.

Another reason for my struggle is my poor self esteem. I have never felt like I fit in with other people. Never smart enough, pretty enough and many other things.
( too many to mention here) This is something I can pretend to possess for a very short time. After that I lose it and the real me shows and I am alone again.

Lack of the opportunity to make the decisions and choices that other people do is a huge obstacle for me. Not being allowed to learn how to build friendships is another. Being alone so much and craving friends has taught me to put the other persons needs and desires before my own. The fear of them not liking me has smothered the part of me that believes and desires good things for myself. In other words I don't know what I want, and I don't believe I would ever get if if I did know. I do know one thing ,I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life.

So, when I think of "Believing in myself" I feel sick at my stomach. Wanting things in the long term sense scares me. I know deep inside that something or someone will stop me. That feeling of failure is there before I even try at all.

Instant gratification is how I have functioned all my life. If I can't have it "now", it will never happen at all. Many times I have pushed people away because of this belief. Sensible ? No, but it is what I have been conditioned to believe.

Can I change that ? Can I set a long term goal ? Can I look at myself and say "I like that person". Can I believe that I deserve to be in the game of life, not on the sidelines ? Piece of cake right ? Just do it ! Easy as pie ? Anyone could do it...

I am not anyone. I am "me" This struggle is real and I face it everyday.

Right now it is making me doubt my ability to lose weight. One part of me wants to be able to visualize what I will look and feel like after I shed those pounds. I can't even do that, because I don't have the confidence to believe in my own success.

There is this little voice in my head that says it's never gonna happen. There have been so many attempts and failures over the years. Some were good plans and some were down right stupid and dangerous to my health. I lose and then put it right back on. Besides even if I do nothing will change about my life except the size of my clothes. I will still be unlovable, unattractive and no better off.

Can I control my eating and be more active ? It is certainly a concept I understand. I have a plan of how to do just that. That does require some sense of being in control of my life. "Having a plan" and "doing a plan" are not the same thing. Just like having a map in your car does not mean you will never get lost.

When plans fail I always blame myself. If someone says casually that they will call or "do lunch" and then don't follow through, it is my fault. Logic says that is not true. My self doubt says it is very true. Logic is no match for something I have believed as long as I can remember.

This blog was supposed to be about weight loss. Now that I read it I realize that it is about many things. Like having friends, being independent, self-esteem, and dating. All of these things have knocked me on my ass many times. Each time that happens it is so much harder to get up.

Yet here I am digging for the "courage to begin again" As long as I have breath in my body I might as well keep up the struggle. It's not like my social calender is full or anything.

(sorry no upbeat ending - It is what it is)