The person behind the mania

I hardly ever know what day it is. It doesn't really matter to me anyway. My life revolves around turning my Dad at noon and 8 and taking care of Lilac. Other than that I do the usual things like laundry, getting the mail, grocery shopping and Dr. appointments. Sometimes I feel like I am operating on automatic pilot like a robot. This must be sort of like being locked in prison. Solitary with no hope for parole. Sleep is my only escape from the monotony.

When my depression takes hold, I sob into my pillow. Praying to, arguing with and cursing God. Begging and pleading for the pain to end. Those are the worst times for me. The sadness I feel is like an anvil on my chest and it's hard to breath. Lilac is a great dog and a good companion too. Talking to her and holding her in my arms makes life more bearable. It's just not the same as talking to a person, who will answer me back. I started to exercise a bit and that feels good. Regardless of that I still feel isolated. I feel lost and invisible like no one can see or hear me.

That's when I wish I had a friend to talk to. Someone who would say "Lets go for a drive" or "Lets catch a movie" or "lets go for a walk ". Anything at all as long as it got me off this 6 acres. As long as I could relax a bit and share a laugh or 2, I would be happy.

I thought I would find that on a dating site. After several tries I found out that I was very wrong. Some of them were decent guys and some of them were just plain old creeps. They all met me liked me, got to know me and then left me without a backwards glance.

So now I don't have any expectations of finding Mr. Right. I would be happier just to find a friend that I can lean on when my knees get weak. A person who will hold my hand or cradle me in their arms when I feel like I am going to shatter into a million pieces. I used to have a girl friend that I could call when I was upset. I loaned her money and ruined that. Plus she moved about 100 miles away, so I can't spend time with her anymore.

All the people I know are married and too busy with their own lives to bother with me. I am not into bars and I don't fit in with the church crowd. So for now I am flying solo.

When I was a teenager there was a girl I knew who had been in a mental hospital. I really tried to talk to her, but it made me feel uncomfortable. Now the shoe is on the other foot, and I am the nice girl who makes other people uncomfortable.

I am the woman behind the mania. All I want is to live, laugh and love just like everyone else. A best friend is what I wish for. Like Ethel and Lucy, that would add some spice to my life.