I hate myself today. I hated myself yesterday, I will hate myself tomorrow.Losing weight won't change that. Growing my hair long won't either. Nothing will ever change that ...
I don't have a life. I have no friends to talk to when I feel lonely. No one to hang out with. Lilac my dog is a good companion, but she can't carry on a conversation. She is a good listener though.
Right now I am trying to accept the fact that I will most likely never find a man who is willing to put up with my illness. I am trying to let the desire to be in a loving relationship die. Which is a slow and painful process to say the least. The hardest part is no matter how many times I fail at love I still want it so badly.
It isn't fair that I am this way . If there is a God I am really angry with him right now. What did he do ? Draw my name out of a hat ? This baby will grow up with an illness that will make her miserable and suffer much mental anguish. No one will ever want to be in a relationship with her. She won't even be able to hold down a job. She will die alone and miserable always longing for what she will never have. She will pray for her pain to end, but it never will .
It doesn't matter to me when people say nice things about me. Kind words and compliments are no substitute for arms wrapped around you and a warm body to snuggle on a long lonely night.
Yes, I hate myself. Hate the way I am, and the fact that there is not one damn thing I can do to change that. All I can do is get through each day and hide each night in the oblivion of sleep.
"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son.....I grew up believing in God. Thinking of him as a benevolent, merciful and loving God. Now I don't think any of that is true. The scars on my heart and the tears in my eyes tell me so.
That is how I feel. Even on meds the sorrow is very intense. It feels like a huge weight on my chest making it hard to breath. Despite it all I won't give up for the sake of my son and Lilac.
Sometimes though it is more of a struggle than others to even do the simplest things. Hopefully when it is time for my life to end I will find the peace that escapes me here on Earth.
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