Magic

Today I accomplished a few things that I have been putting off too long. I got the leaf blower out and tackled the deck. Moved some things around in my bedroom so I can set up my Total Gym I even did a bit of cleaning and a load of laundry. I also started reading a book, something I haven't done in a very long time. All of this because I deactivated my Face book account. The people on there were getting on my nerves, their happiness made me feel awful inside.

This is a hard time of the year for me. Today is my parents 58th wedding anniversary. My son just had his 22nd birthday on the 19th. Thanksgiving is coming up as well. This year we are ordering from Bob Evans. Neither me nor my Mom want to cook and my son doesn't have time.

Dad is on my mind a lot these days. I miss him so much it hurts. He isn't dead, but he is not the same person he used to be. I would gladly give 20 years off my life to have him up and around and able to hold a conversation. I even miss him blowing his nose at the dinner table.

Another memory that is on my mind is helping Mom clean the house top to bottom for the holidays. Then she would climb up into the attic and hand down the boxes of Christmas decorations. No matter how many times we put up those same things it always felt magical. It was like the whole house felt different than it did every other day of the year.

Now we just go through the motions at Christmas. Tree , presents and ham. There is too much clutter for me and Mom to clean like we used to. Plus we just don't have the energy or drive to try to bring any sense of order to the chaos. There is no magic in this house anymore.

This year my son is not here and Dad has been bedridden for over 6 years. It seems pointless to bother digging out any of the decorations, as they don't really mean as much as they used to. It would just be extra work for no reason.

Christmas is more than tinsel on a tree or presents under it . The real Christmas joy comes from traditions and family. Our family is dysfunctional to the extreme and spread far apart. Which is how we all like it, so we can avoid drama. Yet part of me still longs for the red bells strung across the beams of the old house. The nativity scene I was fascinated with as a child and the little angel who is missing the tips of her fingers because I chewed them off when I was little.

Those times and that feeling of magic only exist deep in my heart, along with the memories of my Dad the way he used to be. Nothing, not even depression can take those special moments away from me. They are my treasures to keep forever and not all the riches on Earth can take their place.