True Confessions

Jealousy is an ugly word. It isn't an attractive trait either. Even so I freely confess that I am a jealous person. Other women make me feel inferior and unattractive. Unless they look like the old lady from the Wendys commercial. I can always see the good in them, but seldom in myself.

On rare occasions I do think that I am pretty. NOT beautiful, just pretty. (That was hard to type by the way.) Mostly though when I look in the mirror I see the little bags under my eyes , chicken pox scars and all my other flaws. I do not have any mirrors in my bedroom by choice.

The worst for me is seeing myself naked. Many years ago I bought Richard Simmons book. "Never say Diet" In it was a drawing of an obese man and woman. It showed the rolls of fat on them. Looking at them repulsed me. Now many years later I am that woman rolls of fat and all.

Now, back to the jealousy. Recently a friend of mine showed me a detective magazine cover he had created. It was a sexy picture of a very pretty young woman with long blonde hair , big boobs and a curvy figure.

As his friend I should have been happy that he was doing something he enjoyed. But I couldn't be happy for him, all I could think of was how much more attractive she was than me. I was jealous too, because she was getting his attention instead of me.

While I am spilling my guts I might as well add this one. Sometimes my blogs are blunt because I wonder if he is reading them and cares enough to call or e-mail me. A test to see if he cares enough to reach out to me, or if he's just not reading this stuff at all. The better choice would be to reach out to him but I don't.

Recently I joined the "Lose It" site because he is on there and I thought it would be motivating to me to have him as a diet buddy. I didn't last very long on there and this is why. Alana is her name, she is a sore point to me. There she was every time I looked at his profile like a thorn in my side. Those 2 shared something very special and I totally respect that. Hearing about the good times they had together with his family is beautiful and painful at the same time.

The jealousy part is that she was part of his public life and I am not. I asked him to take me out for my birthday this year for 2 reasons. First I don't want to be alone that day and secondly because I want to see if he will go out in public with me or not.

I don't know if he will read this or how he will react to what I have written. All I do know is that if I am going to have better self esteem I have to start somewhere.

This blog is the opposite of what I usually do. Instead of holding all this negativity inside I am putting it in the light and looking at it for what it really is.

What is it ? My jealousy is a monster of my own making. Not all women look the same or are the same in any way. Being attractive is not determined by a list of traits.

Loneliness is at the root of my jealousy along with isolation. Throw in my recent dating failures and the end result is the way I feel now. Rejected and undesirable.

In conclusion to this confession I want to apologize.

I am sorry that I can't see the good in myself. I am sorry that insecurity and my poor self esteem is keeping me from having the life that I want so very badly. Most of all I am sorry that I lack confidence in myself to be able to believe that anyone would want me for their own.

Writing this will not magically fix things, but at least they are not just in my head anymore.