Alchemy

Alchemy : A medieval chemical philosophy having as its asserted aims the transmutation of base metals into gold.

In my case I don't need to change anything into gold. Instead I need to change my attitude. Right now I am reading a book titled "Savor" that is helping me towards that goal.

There is so much information in the book that I could not possibly describe it. So instead here are a couple of paragraphs from the dust jacket that give a glimpse of what it is about.

"Too many of us are in a cycle of shame and guilt. We spend countless hours worrying about what we ate, or if we exercised enough, blaming ourselves for actions that we can't undo. We are stuck in the past and unable to live in the present- that moment in which we "do" have the power to make changes in our lives. "

"It is the awareness of the present moment , the realization of why we do what we do, that enables us to stop feeling bad and start changing our behavior. Savor not only helps us achieve the healthy weight and well being we seek, but it also brings to the surface the rich abundance of life available to us every moment. "

The actions I have taken so far are taking a vacation from facebook, reading this book, making room in my bedroom so I can exercise. I even brought my Total gym out of retirement. I plan to use it in place of of stuffing my face when I am sad, lonely, bored or upset.

Eventually I want to start back doing my Leslie Sansone walk dvds. They really helped me when I did them in the past. Right now I just have to take it slow, because my left knee hurts and is a bit swollen from Arthritis. That won't stop me , it just means I need to be careful.

I am learning to recognize and work toward changing the reasons I don't take care of myself. Skinny people will say it's because I sit around and stuff my face. For myself Stress, poor self esteem and my depression and anxiety attacks are why whatever diet I try always fails.

So what to do ? For a moment Imagine that your body is a car. Not just any car either. You are a sexy sports car like a Corvette Stingray. We could restore you to original, make you so gorgeous that everyone would want to be your friend. That would be really cool. Wouldn't it ?

Popularity , beauty, money anything your heart could desire would be at your finger tips. That is until they open the hood and see that your engine is missing. All that gleaming chrome and shining finish will get you nowhere fast. The engine is what brings your sexy body to life.

The same is true for our bodies. No matter how hard we work to make the outside attractive to others, it is what drives us that matters most. Just like that car won't go anywhere without an engine, our bodies won't thrive without desire to succeed and most of all the belief that we can.

Savor is helping me to think more kindly about my body. It has shown me that worry, regret, shame and guilt are stopping me from making changes in my life.

By allowing myself to dwell on past mistakes and regrets I am dooming every attempt I make at losing weight. I can't change the past, but I can change the future, by living in the present.

My counselor Niels tells me " there are somethings in life that you will never know exactly why they happened. Accepting that is a huge struggle for me. I want things to be tied up with a ribbon and resolved. Life only works that way for little kids, because Mom and Dad make it so.

A part of me is afraid of believing that good things will happen for me. When I start to feel really happy with someone a little voice says "You are gonna mess up like always" So I push people away and make myself fail once more. Then I cry and tell myself that it is all my fault. because I am not good enough. Too old, too fat, too crazy, too boring, not good in bed. etc...

So to get back to my original thought I need to change my attitude. My thought process of all or nothing, win or lose. That is what stops me from success in my life. It won't be easy and it won't be pleasant. Life seldom is ... I must face my demons and win ... Can I ? Only time will tell.