A friend of mine on Face book told me a while back that I see only the good in other people even when I should be seeing the bad. He is right, I do that all the time and it usually comes back to bite me in the ass eventually. Not always but the majority of the time.
The opposite is true when I look at myself. I can only see my flaws and weaknesses. The double chin, flabby thighs and upper arms and the rolls of fat around my middle. My stomach is what I hate the most. It wouldn't be so bad if it was just fat. But with all my surgical scars it is awful to look at. I can't stand to look at it myself, so I can't blame others for not wanting to see it.
It's so easy for me to look in my heart and say nice things to other people. It makes me feels so good to show them affection , appreciation and acceptance. To let them know that someone cares about them no matter what. I don't pick my friends because of the way they look. I pick them for the way they treat me and others. Yet despite that I still struggle with my self image. The question I have is. How can I see my own good qualities as clearly as I see those of others ? How can I learn to accept myself as a good person fat , scars, wrinkles and all ?
Visualization is the tool I am trying right now. I am thinking of the things I like about myself as warm soothing water in an old metal bath tub. Like the one in the movie "The Secretary"
The part I love is when he rinses her hair for her. I would have given anything to have been in her place. To be cherished and cared for like that is what I want more than anything else.
Sensuality and touching is a big turn on to me. When I am comfortable with a man I like to close my eyes and explore his body with my hands, kiss him with my lips and taste him with my tongue. For me that is an incredible rush. It hasn't happened very often. Only if I truly trust someone enough to let go of my insecurities and inhibitions can I let myself go like that.
OOPS ... My mind wandered for a moment. But it felt really, really good ...So fuck it ...I am leaving that part in. It may end up as the inspiration for something in the future .
OK ... back to the tub. The things I like about myself would be the warm water in the tub. Acceptance of those things would be me getting into the tub. Simple but not easy at all.
Niels my counselor is helping me see the good in myself. He says that he wishes more people could be like me. Compassion and Empathy are what he says he admires most about me. He says few people possess those qualities. I have a vague idea of what the words mean. But I want to be sure I am on the right track. So I looked them up on-line and posted it here.
Compassion is a sense of shared suffering , most often combined with the desire to alleviate or reduce such suffering. Compassionate acts are generally considered those which take into account the suffering of others and attempt to alleviate that suffering as if it were one's own. In this sense, the various forms of the Golden Rule are clearly based in the concept of compassion.
What is empathy? It is an emotional process that builds connection between persons. It is a state of perceiving and relating to another person's feelings and needs without the need to blame, give advice or fix the situation. Empathy also means "reading" another person's inner state and interpreting it into understandable conversation which supports mutual trust.
First I have to say to myself that I have these qualities. (which I do) Next I examine the way having them makes me feel. Which is a warm feeling in my heart because I have done something good just for the joy if it. Also, a bit of pride that I can comfort and help people. It also makes me feel needed and useful which are probably the best things of all to me.
Next I imagine Compassion and Empathy filling my tub. The steam rising off them lures me to slip into the water and let my cares, aches and tension melt away in its soothing depths.
So that's what I do. The warmth is luxurious, it soothes me body and soul. I close my eyes and savor it ... I plant the good feelings firmly in my mind and heart. Saving them for the future when I need a reminder of the pleasure that self acceptance holds for me.
This will probably be a lifetime struggle for me. However , if I want to find inner peace and feel better about myself I must make the effort. No one else can do it for me.
"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love & affection."
This quote from Buddha seems a fitting way to end this blog. I don't think a few years back I would have been as open as I am now to quoting Buddhism.
I find comfort in it because much of it is based on beliefs that I have held all my life. As my good friend Rope said today "whatever works for you" Wise words from a wise man. **wink**
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