Bulldozer

I always thought that age played a big role in how smart or strong people are. Now I know that that is totally wrong.

All this time I have been looking for the person who could answer all my questions and take care of me. The men I dated and my friends all let me down.

My family did too which was especially heart breaking. Family is supposed to love you no matter what. Mine is like an armed camp or a really bad Soap opera.

Every time things went wrong I blamed myself. I told myself I was not good enough and that I deserved to be along and miserable. Hiding in my room and crying was a full time job.

A few days ago I suddenly realized something about the way my family works. My oldest sister has always seemed to be the strong one among us. Boy, was I ever wrong about that !

Actually she isn't the strong at all. She is actually insecure and shy. Out of the 4 of us, I am the one who seems to be the strongest. When it comes to my loved ones and people I care about I am a cross between a Pit Bull and a Bull Dozer. Some things I can't handle at all, but when push comes to shove, I am one stubborn little bitch. I will do whatever it takes every time !

Pride be damned; Don't get in my way, because you will be sorry ! That is the quality that makes me the strongest among us. In their eyes I'm the "Baby" but this baby bites !

Fear

Today I am supposed to see my Rheumatologist. I want to see him, I need to see him. The question is can I make myself drive there ?

He moved his office and I am not sure where it is now. It's only 12 miles away from the old office. For most people that would not be a big deal. For me it is, I am scared to try to find it.

I don't like driving even just up to the grocery store. Even on a nice day it is very stressful for me to go to someplace new. It snowed last night and there is a storm warning too.

Fear and common sense are having a battle in my mind. Fear is winning - Despite the pain I have been having in my left knee I don't think I can drive today... Fear wins every time.

The Lesson

If you give a little kid a cracker they will smash it. Your happiness is like that poor cracker. If you don't hold onto it some careless jerk will smash it to bits in the blink of an eye.

45 years is all it took me to learn that painful lesson. The truth was in front of my face all the time but I refused to see it. Now it is all that I can see. Life's a bitch like that sometimes.

So starting today I have a new philosophy. I don't give a shit if anyone likes me or not. The only one I can count on is me anyway. Why bother with what others think or say about me ?

Me -you = Happiness and less bull shit.... *** expletive deleted ***

Blessings

When I am worried, and cannot sleep I count my blessings , instead of sheep and I fall asleep counting my blessings

I hardly ever think about my blessings when I am worried. Even though that's the time I need to do that the most. Sometimes I need to be reminded of the things that really matter.

This song by Bing Crosby is a gentle reminder of something I forget way too often. Which is that I need to take the time to "count my blessings" no matter what is going on in my life.

In this season and during the coming year, I plan to spend more time counting my blessings

Challenges and Victory

I woke up feeling rundown today. If I lived alone my day would have been spent hiding under the covers. That's not an option but it sure sounds like a nice idea.

I tried to figure out what was wrong with me. All that did was make my head hurt.

Then I had an idea. There is only one way for me to feel better. That is to think of every day as a challenge. Then to think or every day I try as a personal victory.

Trying leads to doing ....So I am gonna ...TRY !!!

Sad and Lonely

Today I feel sad. The walls are closing in on me. My day revolves around turning Dad, waking Mom up from her naps, and taking care of Lilac . Basically I am a 24/7 servant to them.

I am a prisoner even if the doors are not locked. I do have a van and could go out once in a while. The desire is there, but the energy is not. Plus, I have nowhere to go.

I watched a documentary today about "Solitary Confinement" In the faces of those prisoners I saw myself. Their frustrations and anger and loneliness are things that I feel too.The only difference is no guards or bars surround me, obligation is my prison cell.

I am tired today. Each breath is an effort and I am on the verge of crying. Fighting loneliness and sadness is a daily fight for me. Winning seems pretty much impossible today.

" I will be .... ME ! "

Today for the first time I saw the good in myself . I felt my tension melt away as I looked at this new me reflected in the mirror. I leaned closer and examine just who I had become. Leaning closer I looked into kind brown eyes. That thought made a soft smile appear.

Then I asked myself a question whose answer had haunted me for so long. Who do I want to be ? "I WILL BE ... ME ! " said my heart. Thinking a moment I nodded and smiled once more.


As I looked at my smiling face I nodded and said aloud, "I WILL BE ...ME ! " Hearing the words made them more real. A sense of rightness settled over me like a warm blanket. Today I gave myself the gift of my own approval.... and it feels great !

In a panic

A few minutes ago I was having trouble remembering to breath. My heart felt like there was a hand wrapped around it just a little bit too tight. Ready to crush it just because it could. As if all that wasn't enough, my body ached to be held just until I could breath again.

In the past I would have cried, taken a Xanax and then raided the fridge. Crying gives me a headache so I decided to skip that. I was too lazy to get a Xanax, so that was out too. The fridge was the biggest temptation. A ham sandwich would taste good , but so would an apple.

I ended up eating an apple. Then I cuddled with Lilac and I was finally able to calm myself down. Being held would have felt a lot better but holding her was a close second.

Panic attacks are manageable. Even though often it doesn't feel that way. In reality they only have as much power over your life as you give them. This attack was not as long or as severe as some have been in the past. I made it through without tears, meds or ham. I feel good about that. I still really want to be held tight, that is something I will never get my fill of.

Victory in part, but not in whole....
Yet, I can still say **EVER FORWARD**

Stinkin Thinkin

A few years back I was lucky enough to meet a woman named Monica. She was my leader at Weight Watchers. Her energy level was through the roof. Her dedication and optimism were contagious. When I walked out of those meetings I felt like I could conquer the world.

Here are 3 things I learned from her that I will never forget as long as I live.

"Stinkin thinkin" are thoughts of quitting or failing. They can cause overeating too.

"You Bite It, You Write it" is just what it says. If you eat it you have to record it. Even on days when you eat too much. This helps us to see and change any bad habits we have.

" BLT's" Are bites, licks and tastes. These are the forgotten calories. They sneak up on us when we are not paying attention. They add up quickly if you aren't careful to avoid them.

Those meetings helped me to lose 25 lbs at the time. Even though Monica has moved on I still have the things she taught me. I will never forget them or her as long as I live.

** Ever Forward **

Blank Canvas

All of us share one common trait. We all have a past. That is what has made us into the people we are today. The triumphs and the tragedies have all taught us important lessons.

Dwelling on the past is a very self destructive habit of mine. Usually we can't even understand or remember what happened way back then. Making ourselves miserable is all we get.

George Bernard Shaw once said "Life is not about finding yourself, It's about creating yourself" To me that means happiness is mine if I focus on the present instead of the past.

I'm not the same as I was back then. Life has taught me many things I didn't know at that time. There is one thing about me that is still the same . I was and will always be kind.

Accepting my past will not be easy to do. My memories sneak into my thoughts when I least expect them to. They pull me down and make it very hard to function sometimes.

Every morning when I get out of bed the new day is a blank canvas. By being mindful and having a positive attitude I can make the most of every single moment.

Taking that first step in the morning is a challenge sometimes. Right now I am doing fairly well at doing that. Some days are much harder than others. Lilac is a big help at those times.

Well enough of this. Off I go to make my words a reality...
** EVER FORWARD **

"Don't put the cart before the horse"

Every time I go on a diet, I try to imagine myself after I lose some weight. Then I get anxious , scared and frustrated. My head fills with self-doubt ,then I quit and eat like a pig.

What scares me the most is this; even if I reach my goal I will still be alone. I know this makes no sense at all. Still it's my head and my brain doing the thinking. So hush up and read why.

The first version is I look great and meet a nice guy. We want to live together and can't. The reason is I have to take care of my parents. We drift apart and I end up sad and alone.

Second scenario I lose the weight and look better. I go on a few dates, but my mental illness scares them all off. I give up ,and since I hate real cats I collect stuffed ones. I name them and have lively conversations with them, and my invisible friend George who smokes a pipe.

The second one is mostly a joke, but it would be easier than the first. Moving out of my parents house is gonna be hard enough without feeling like I am deserting them. Choosing my own happiness over my obligations to them would rip me apart. It is a no win situation.

I am afraid, pure and simple. My struggle is to not put the " the cart before the horse". If I think too hard about the future I will fail. My self doubts will cause me to sabotage my efforts to reach my goal. At age 45 I don't have lots of time to make these changes. So I have to be brave and face my fears. This time Around is for me. Not for may or may not happen if I succeed.

Plus, I have finally realized that no two people will ever have the same exact opinion of me. Nor does it matter, like the song says "You can't please everyone. So you got to please yourself".

I am pleased with the changes I have already made. Even if the scale hasn't changed much , the way I feel physically and mentally has. That for now is plenty good enough for me.

Speaking up to Mommy Dearest

This morning I did something that I am proud of. I felt really good when I woke up this morning. I woke up before the alarm went off and hit the floor running.

After I walked and fed Lilac I made my breakfast shake. When I finished that I did 25 minutes on the Total gym including 3 sets of 10 Leg pulls. Those are intense and I freaking love the fact that I can do them. Woo Hoo !!!

Next I grabbed the Vacuum cleaner and started in on the mud room and kitchen. My Mother of course had to make a comment about what I was doing. In response I replied that I am 46 years old and fully capable of vacuuming the floor without her telling me how.

Later I explained to her that I had to vacuum when I felt motivated to do so. In addition I told her that once I get an idea in my head it's stuck there. Until it is done, I will have no peace. OCD is what they call it. It's not a problem as long as I can use it to accomplish a useful purpose.

Then I told her that I had an idea that would help us to not snap at each other all the time. I told her if she felt the need to comment on what I am doing to make it something positive. That way she gets to talk and I don't get pissed off.

Whether it works or not is yet to be seen. For now I am proud that I reacted calmly.
My usual reaction is to get upset and then feel guilty for snapping at her. This time I was able to see both sides of the situation and react calmly. Calm is something I could easily get used to.

Another Step to climb

I bought a new scale yesterday. This morning I decided to see how it compared to the old one. So I got them both out and conducted a little experiment.

I tried the old one on a flat surface. It read 202. Then I put it on the carpet and it read 202. The new one read 204.4 on the flat surface and 201 on the carpet.

Which one is right ? I don't know and have no way of finding out. I could record the lowest number. The old scale was consistent, so I could use that number. The new scale is much fancier so maybe it's right. One last option is to add the numbers and divide by 3 to get the average.

What to do ? Which one should I believe ? Ultimately ,whatever I decide there is no wrong or right answer.Life is just like that too. We all have options and choices to make every day. Sometimes we can't see them, but they are always there.

The problem is whatever we do someone is going to say they could have done it better . That is why I hate the word "should" That word means criticism to me. It says I am a failure and inadequate . Failure because it makes me think that the other person could have done it better. Inadequate is the idea that anyone else could have done it right and I messed it up.

"Right or Wrong". "Good or Bad" , Black or White" On paper those concepts work. In everyday life they never work. I struggle with that fact all the time.

"Luck is believing you are lucky , and having just a little bit of faith" Believing something won't make it so. Doubting every thing you do, will make it seem so. Those scales are not alive, they don't care what number they show. I am alive and I do care , oftentimes too much.

I need to change my way of thinking about my self worth. The things I do count. The things I do are useful. I am a grown woman capable of doing what needs to be done in my daily life.

Another step to climb. One more misconception to change.
**Ever Forward **

Often imitated, Never duplicated

"Often imitated, Never duplicated, the one and only me !!! "

There is something different about me lately. My self confidence is growing stronger each day. That is a huge thing for me. It is something that I find incredibly liberating.

Recently the realization hit me that I am my own worst critic. My way of treating others was the exact opposite of how I treat myself. Other people could have flaws and make mistakes and I was supportive of them. That same attitude did not apply to me I could not and would not forgive nor support myself when I did not live up to my own expectations.

Never once have I claimed or desired to be "perfect" Yet I hated myself for being imperfect. Now things are changing, I find myself celebrating my imperfections. Feeling good that I am not like any other woman that you will ever meet. It takes no effort, intelligence or inventiveness to follow blindly in the footsteps of another. Yow will get to your destination, but not gain anything from the journey. For myself I prefer to blaze a trail and see where it takes me.

LIfe is a process...

Without grapes you cannot make wine. Without grape vines you cannot grow grapes. without sunshine, rain and rich soil you cannot grow grape vines. Without patience , skill and the knowledge to tend the vines you can have all the rest and still not grow any grapes.

The work has just begun when the grapes are harvested. Next they must be crushed and yeast is added to begin the fermentation process. There is still a lot of things to be done before that grape juice can be called wine. Making wine is a science as well as an art. It can't be rushed and not just anyone has the ability to do it the right way.

Despite all the work, love and care, and skill that goes into each bottle not all wine is drinkable. Some is just no good. There is nothing to be done about that but to dump it out and start over.

Life is a process too a complicated combination of events and circumstances. Some of those things happen because of conscious decisions we make. Other things are complete surprises that we have to cope with the best we can, We all have personal struggles and demons to fight.

Just like that wine, we have to ferment (learn) in order to become the best person we can be. That requires hard work, skill and patience. Even then we don't always get what we want.

In this day and age of instant gratification patience is hard to come by. It is a huge struggle for me when it comes to dating and weight loss. I know that there are no magical solutions for those things. Most of the time its easy for me to accept that fact. Other times I can't cope at all.

Last night was one of those times when I panicked. I had a bad anxiety attack. As a result I ate everything in sight. Cheesecake (I don't even like it) Beef Jerky (finished the bag), a frozen dinner, a glass of milk and a PBJ . I feel sick to my stomach just reading that list.

When I started thinking about what I had done, an old joke came to my mind. Did you hear about the Pollock who tried to swim the English channel ? He got half way and decided he couldn't make it so he swam back. My binge last night was me swimming back.

Emotional eating is my weakness. Eating all that crap when I was not even hungry didn't help. All it did was make things worse than they already were. Plus it made me feel discouraged.

Today is a new day, a fresh start for me. In order to make the best of it I need to learn from my mistakes. Mistakes are not the same as failures. Unless you allow yourself to think that way.

My life is a process over which I have limited control. The things I eat and whether I make wise choices are up to me. Whether I sit on my butt or exercise is up to me and me alone.

Where is all this going ? What is the point I am trying too make ?

Changing my lifestyle is a process. Choosing to eat healthy foods is a process. Being more active is a process. Facing my demons is a process. Dealing with my emotional eating is a process.

None of this can be rushed. Grape juice does not become instantly become wine. Nor can I instantly shed my excess weight or deal with my personal issues. I have let them keep me from being successful in the past. That was then, this is now. A new day and a new attitude.

"Patience is a virtue" that I lack. Sometimes I can be objective enough to tell myself to slow down and think. Other times I act before I think and end up feeling guilty and regretful.

There is no easy fix for my lack of patience. Just like my poor self esteem it will be a lifetime struggle. That bothers me a little, but does not intimidate me because now I know my enemy.

Poor self esteem and lack of patience are only the first 2 things that I need to change about myself. I don't expect a TKO in the first bout with either of them. The truth is they have been around a long time. They know all my weaknesses and how to use them against me.

"Rocky" never quit, nor will I . They will knock me down, but they won't knock me out.

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time in Erie, PA I thought I had found a place to belong. It felt so good to be there in that little house with Rudy cooking and taking care of him. I slept so good cradled in his arms.

Then the fairy tale ended and all of that was gone. I miss him really bad sometimes. He made me feel confident and desirable. When I was in his arms I felt safe and cherished.

I want to feel that way again. I want it so bad it hurts to breath and I want to cry. Recently I have dreamed about him several times. I am lost and trying to find my way to his house. When I get there he is cold and distant to me and treats me like a stranger.

He was that way at the end of our relationship. He shut himself off from me and that is why I had to walk away. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. It was the right thing to do for my own sanity. If I had stayed one more day I don't know what would have happened.

The bad times are still fresh in my mind, and so are the good times. Getting in touch with him or reuniting are not an option. I miss making love to him it felt incredible. I have never felt that way with any other man before or since. With him I bared my soul and surrendered my body as I have always dreamed of doing. It was so beautiful that sometimes I cried tears of joy.

He was my Dom and I was his submissive. I wore his collar and I was proud of that. Being his submissive was not as enjoyable as I thought it would be. He had lots of toys, but seldom had the desire to use them on me. The thing he used most was a wooden paddle that I hated. In spite of that I would ask him to use it sometimes , just because I wanted his attention.

Recently I have been thinking about how it felt to be a submissive. I think I would like to try it again. This time with a man who is younger and more focused. A collar locked around my neck would make me happier and mean more than a wedding ring on my finger ever could.

Finding a man like that won't be easy. He may not even exist. For now I will have to depend on myself. Being alone sucks, but it is a lot better than being with the wrong man.

Detour

I have gotten off my butt and onto the Total Gym. It took some effort to do, but now I love the time I spend on it each day. My sleeping muscles are waking up and it feels pretty darn good.

Since I started exercising I feel much different. My mood has improved and I have more energy. I am also thinking more clearly and able to focus my thoughts. I am even able to read , something I haven't done for a while. My outlook on life has become more positive as well.

A few days ago I weighed 201 lbs. Now the scale has jumped from 201 to 208.5. I don't like that, but it is not bothering me too much. I am happy about the positive changes listed above.

Would I like to see the number go down ? Hell yeah !!! Do I need that to feel good about myself ? Hell no !!! Losing weight would be great ! There are too many benefits to list here.

The changes I listed above are better for me than losing weight. I am still going to eat right and exercise. By doing that I will lose weight eventually . It's just not happening for me right now. Life is like that, sometimes you start somewhere and hit a detour. This is my detour.

Instead of worrying about the numbers on a scale I am going to do what is right for me. I need to change what is inside me first. My attitude and the way I think about myself are all that matters right now. I believe that the path I am walking will lead me to where I need to be.

Poor self esteem is what has stopped me all the other times I dieted. Now I know why that was.
In the past I confused self esteem with popularity. Now I am realizing that was all wrong. Self esteem is not based on how many friends I have, or how I dress, or the things I own.

Looking, thinking or acting like everyone else won't change the way I feel about myself. Only by examining my own feelings and thoughts can I learn to enjoy my life on my terms.

So I am chucking the scale under the bed. Then I am gonna grab onto the good feelings I have and hang on tight. I don't know where it will take me , but it's bound to be a hell of a ride.

Giving myself credit

Humility vs Pride ? Pride to me is a negative trait. It makes me think or people like Lebron James. Boastful, selfish and irritating people. The kind that will step on anyone who gets in their way. No one is as good as them and money is their God. That is one definition of "Pride"

Pride is not black or white, good or bad. Although till now I subconsciously believed that it was. I also thought that if I was proud of myself that I would become vain and mean hearted.So this blog is my way of proving to myself that pride can be a good thing.

Sometimes pride has noting to do with being rich, famous and adored by millions of fans. It's a state of mind. A attitude towards life which can't be seen, measured, bought or sold. Simple put it is the pride that comes with finding satisfaction with your life as you have chosen to live it.

Today I gave a coat that used to be my sons to a complete stranger . I was sitting there in the waiting room and I looked at the woman across from me. Her coat was way too tight and looked very uncomfortable. I offered her a coat that used to be my sons. She said yes so, I went out and got the coat. I handed it to her. She said thank you and that was that.

Did I expect anything in return ? No-But I do feel good and a bit proud that I was able to help that woman. I did it mostly because my heart told me to. I notice things and I care about people. When I can I try to put goodness into the world. The world needs a lot more of that.

My point? I am proud that I have the ability to see people. To notice things like that woman and her coat that did not fit. I also had the desire to help her. Since I also had the means to do so , it was a no brainer for me. I saw the need, cared enough to want to help and then did help.

The warm feeling I have inside is my only reward. Feeling proud of what I did is not easy. Pride is not familiar to me. It is another step on the long road towards improving my self esteem.

This road is not straight, the journey is not easy....But I will continue on as long as it takes.