Every time I go on a diet, I try to imagine myself after I lose some weight. Then I get anxious , scared and frustrated. My head fills with self-doubt ,then I quit and eat like a pig.
What scares me the most is this; even if I reach my goal I will still be alone. I know this makes no sense at all. Still it's my head and my brain doing the thinking. So hush up and read why.
The first version is I look great and meet a nice guy. We want to live together and can't. The reason is I have to take care of my parents. We drift apart and I end up sad and alone.
Second scenario I lose the weight and look better. I go on a few dates, but my mental illness scares them all off. I give up ,and since I hate real cats I collect stuffed ones. I name them and have lively conversations with them, and my invisible friend George who smokes a pipe.
The second one is mostly a joke, but it would be easier than the first. Moving out of my parents house is gonna be hard enough without feeling like I am deserting them. Choosing my own happiness over my obligations to them would rip me apart. It is a no win situation.
I am afraid, pure and simple. My struggle is to not put the " the cart before the horse". If I think too hard about the future I will fail. My self doubts will cause me to sabotage my efforts to reach my goal. At age 45 I don't have lots of time to make these changes. So I have to be brave and face my fears. This time Around is for me. Not for may or may not happen if I succeed.
Plus, I have finally realized that no two people will ever have the same exact opinion of me. Nor does it matter, like the song says "You can't please everyone. So you got to please yourself".
I am pleased with the changes I have already made. Even if the scale hasn't changed much , the way I feel physically and mentally has. That for now is plenty good enough for me.
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