My hero...

I don't feel safe most of the time. The world scares me I avoid it whenever I possibly can. Mostly I stay at home in my bedroom. I feel safe with the door closed and locked. In here I am on charge of what happens and there are no nasty surprises waiting to hurt me like there is outside. Out there anything could and does happen. It's so much safer here behind this door.

I am sure my foster Dog Lilac used to feel safe too. She was just loving and trusting just like any other puppy. But then she was abused and all that ended.Her feeling of safety was replaced by pain and suffering. I wish I could take all her painful memories away, but I can't. All I can do is give her lots of loving care and a place to feel safe in. She deserves that , all living creatures do.

We both trusted the wrong people. Both of us know what it feels like to be betrayed and hurt. In helping her I am also helping myself. She has survived abuse, neglect and heart worms. The fact that she survived all that is inspiring to me . This little dog is my hero. I love her very much.

Relief

I wanted a pair of Levis when I was a girl. An 18 inch waist was my dream. I wanted to wear tight jeans with the tag on the back for all to see. My hips and curves got in the way of all that. Some times in life just wanting something is not enough. It's not like as simple as ordering a burger and fries at the drive thru.

Today I am facing that fact in regards to my failure in finding someone to share my life. We all faces challenges in relationships. Challenges can draw a couple together or split them up. Manic Depression is not a big challenge it is huge.

People like me are not hidden away anymore like a crazy Aunt. Depression is a common diagnosis now days. People know it exists , but don't understand it very well. Their opinions that are not based on facts ,only on biased opinions.

People avoid that which they fear. Things that we don't understand scare us. Fear and ignorance are the main reasons that people like me fail at relationships. I am working on accepting the fact that I will probably always be alone. It is certainly not the end of the world. It is just a change in plans.

Letting go of my desires for a home with all the trimmings is not painless. My heart mourns for the death of that dream. At the same time, I also feel a big sense of relief. I can put down the burden of trying to fit in and just be me. I don't have to try to please anyone but myself. I can do whatever I want. Yay ! for me.

Wants, dreams, hopes, desires are all good things. Sometimes they are quite realistic and sometimes they are totally impossible. Things are not always what they appear to be.The challenge lies in telling them apart.

Consider the quote below for a moment. It may help you see thing differently

“Remember that not getting what you want
is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.”
~ Dalai Lama ~

Self Esteem

I need to be liked. I crave other peoples attention and approval ? That is the problem, Now to find a solution. How can I change this ? Poor self esteem is at the root of all of this.

It is a roadblock in my life. It keeps me in just as much as the Berlin wall did all those people for so many years. I want to destroy that roadblock just like they did that ugly wall. I would love to smash it to tiny little bits. Am I able to do that ? No Am I gonna give up ? Hell No !!!

There is a saying; When God closes a door , He opens a window. Windows are often used to describe opportunities in life. If you miss a the window of opportunity it may never come again. If I can find a way to open some windows in that roadblock. Things are likely to change for the better. Fresh air will come in and blow away all that hurt and sadness.

Without that I can over time cut out more and more windows. As the light pours in and the darkness fades. My self esteem will be nourished and grow stronger like a plant in the sunshine. Instead of destroying the roadblock , I will transform it into something that I can live with.

My way of thinking is unconventional. Most people would do it differently but I am not most people. I am proud to be a unique individual and I value that trait in others as well.

In fact I have felt I lived apart from others. Something happened in first grade that makes me believe this to be true. Me and a boy named Bobby were sometimes taken away from class to talk to a lady. Who she was or why this was done , I haven't a clue. I remember her having me draw figure eights on the blackboard. I can remember that part like it happened yesterday.

This habit of mine to base my self worth and happiness on the opinions of others is like a figure eight. If you draw a figure eight there is no beginning or end . You can trace it over and over and never get anywhere at all. If you do so long enough you will rip right through the paper.

Unless I can stop drawing that figure eight I will keep ripping too. The paper can't heal after it rips, but I can. Each time this happens it makes the scar get bigger and uglier. Change is hard . Poor self esteem and I go back a long ways. Writing this out is the first step of a long journey.

My Secret revealed ....

Why am I such a misfit ?
I am not just a nitwit.
You can't fire me, I quit.
Seems I don't fit in.

I have always known that I was not like everyone else. This became more clear to me when I was in Nursing School. I knew that I would never be able to handle the stress of being an RN. Still I went on with my classes and pretended that everything was just fine. I never , ever really wanted to be a nurse by the way. My father wanted all four of us girls to be nurses for some reason.

Why did I do that ? Putting all that effort into something that I didn't even want to do. I have always wanted my Fathers approval and to make him proud of me. Dad never tried to force me to be a nurse. I wanted to do it for him , so I did.

All my life I have tried to fit in to get other peoples approval. Their family was t "The Brady Bunch" Mine was a bizarre mixture. Take "All in the Family" and a bit of "Sanford and Son" and top it off with "The Beverly Hillbillies"

I don't fit in, I am a misfit. One on one ,I mostly do OK . In groups, not so so well. What I do is figure out what other people want or need to feel good. Then I find ways to give that to them. This makes them happy and they don't notice me at all.

Mostly what people want is praise. Compliments are a tool I use very often to keep the attention off myself. Changing the subject when it gets too personal works too. Everyone has interests and hobbies that they can talk about for hours. Even if the person is talking about something that upsets me I can smile and nod.

Finding happiness in others successes is my specialty. It's safe and doesn't require much effort on my part. Also, If I don't expect anything for myself out of life, I will never be disappointed. It's like living in a bubble of my own making.

I am really a misfit,
I am never a nitwit
I won't try ,
Cause I quit
I will never fit in.

Hate

Hate is an ugly word. As a child I used it a lot. As I have gotten older and seen the results of hate my view of it changed dramatically. Hate is a word to use with care. Hate causes war, death, abuse and brings nothing but pain and sorrow.

There is one person that I do hate very much . I hate her so much that I would like to never come near her again. No matter what I say or do to her she will not leave me in peace. She follows me like a blood hound. I can't escape her.

What do I hate about her the most ? She craves friends, but lacks social skills. One moment she's on top of the world, the next in tears. It's easy to feel sorry for her , but impossible to like her. She always trusts the wrong people and often gets taken advantage of. She feels safest alone, but hates being lonely. When people treat her badly she thinks she deserves it. She never learns from her mistakes. Next time will be better ....She tells herself over and over.

You have probably guessed ....The person I hate is "Me". I hate almost everything about myself. "Hate" is an ugly word, as I said before. "Self Hate" is even worse in some ways. Because you can never escape from yourself ...not even in sleep.

This is the part where I am supposed to say something brilliant.... Well , it's not gonna happen. If you want happily ever after read a fairy tale.

Shame

My heart is heavy it feels like a lead weight in my chest. I can't bear to write out my feelings today . Here is something I wrote a while back that says it all.

"SHAME"

This is the sad and lonely me, the one nobody wants to see.
Who is racked with heartache & despair.
Whose grasping hand finds empty air.
My dreams are simple, my needs are few.
I am only human, just like you.
Someone to care for me and to hold me tight,
listen to me on lonely days,
hold me close on long dark nights.
Perhaps some day my life will change its tone.
This lonely one will no longer be alone.
Until that day comes to pass all I can say,
Is "SHAME" on you who turned away .

For better or for worse...

The ages of birth to seven, are the most important in the childs development. In the first few years the child clings to its parents. During this time the child relies on the parents for guidance and answers about the world around them.

children are much like a blank canvas. Parents make all their decisions for them until they can do so for themselves. Mom and Dads word is law.

Is Parenting; a burden ? a responsibility ? or a privilege ? Maybe it is a bit of all three. For example bathing , feeding and caring for a child is a full time job. It can certainly feel like a burden some times. Ensuring their safety, well being and education is certainly a parental responsibility. Parental privilege is all those snap shots, ribbons , hugs and kisses that make all that hard work worth while.

That is all true up to a point. Adulthood changes everything. Once those kids go out on their own all bets are off. When their son or daughter does well it is all because of their great parents. Hard work be damned. Mom and Dad are the best.

Failure on the other hand, has nothing to do with the parents. The poor dears did everything right, sacrificed the best years of their lives. blah, blah, blah. Now look what she/he has done. How could they have done this to us ? *sob*

Consider once more the "Formative Years" From ages 1-7 our parents are the world to us. Their word is law. Basically we are their creation for better or worse. So, if they don't like the results, Oh well. They have only themselves to blame.

Shakespeare ....

Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

Shakespeare said that in Macbeth. Today I feel like an idiot. An idiot that used to believe that she had friends. People that she could trust, who cared about her well being and happiness.

Lies... lies upon lies is all it was . Broken promises and shattered dreams. One friend owes me money and keeps promising to start paying me back. Others have made and broken too many promises for me to list. There are others too but I don't feel like thinking about them right now.

One part of me wants to tell them all to go to Hell !!! Which would be a total waste of breath. They don't care about me as it is. Why should my being angry make any difference.

Think ....

Mans inhumanity to man ... Robert Burns said it best.

"Many and sharp the num'rous ills

Inwoven with our frame!
More pointed still we make ourselves,
Regret, remorse, and shame!
And man, whose heav'n-erected face
The smiles of love adorn, -
Man's inhumanity to man
Makes countless thousands mourn!

Lies, deceit even outright cruelty. Some people in this world can't stop hurting others. I will never understand why they do this.

Physics tells us " energy can neither be created nor destroyed, it can only be transformed from one state to another". I truly believe that also applies to how you treat every living thing on this planet. Animals and plants included by the way. Whatever you put into the world will come back to you 100 fold.

We all have done things that we are not proud of. I know I have over and over again. "Act in haste and repent in leisure' Haste often leads to regret. If people had a pause button this would never happen. But we don't, however we do have the abilities to reason and think... Now if only we would use them.

Fear

Fear....The very word makes my stomach clench. When I was a little girl I did not know the name for fear. Growing up taught me its meaning very well.

Lit Cigarettes and Black Pick up trucks are two of my fears. Why ? Well both of them are things that in the course of my life have hurt me and caused me pain.

First the cigarettes. When I was little I would often forget to look where I was going. I would somehow manage to walk right into the path of a lit cigarette. I usually got burned either on the arm or hand. I still remember how that felt.

Fearing Black trucks is much harder to explain. Here goes, A man I thought I loved very much drove one. We shared some really good times together. I learned a lot during our relationship. I don't regret it at all anymore.

I loved seeing him pull his truck into my driveway. I never dreamed that things would ever change for us. Neither of us could have known that it would all end.

Honestly, most of the time trucks don't bother me. Then with no warning my fear will emerge. I don't think he is dangerous. Nothing ever happened between us to cause me to think otherwise. This fear has no rational cause. It is ...what it is.

Fears can be obvious like the cigarette, or unexplainable like the trucks. It doesn't matter if it makes sense or not. Fear should never be ignored.

Intuition is fears buddy. That little voice in your head that tells you to beware of danger is called intuition. The warnings sometimes don't make any sense. In fact quite a few will never , ever make sense. But they all have a reason.

Life is not a kind teacher. The lessons are hard and unavoidable no matter what.
All we can do is take the best that life offers and learn to leave the rest.

** Ever Forward **

Seize the Day...

Such a beautiful morning !!! I woke up to the sounds of birds singing. A good nights rest had left me feeling happy and full of ambition. I smiled to myself ready to start the day.

Standing on my deck with coffee in hand I savored the sights and sounds of my backyard. My thoughts turned to all the things I wanted to accomplish today. First a nice long shower and get dressed. Then a few errands that I had been putting off for far too long. Last stop before home would be to select some flowers for the spot in the yard that I had lovingly prepared yesterday.

As I stood there feeling so good inside, I heard a car pull in. Turning to look I was surprised to see two old friends walk up the path. I hadn't seen them in a long time. The first to greet me was "If". I have known "If" longer than I can recall. "Should" came next and wrapped me in a tight hug." Should "and I have known each other since around the time I started first grade. Both of them used to be my constant companions. Recently for some reason we had just drifted apart.

We each got a cup of coffee. Then we all sat at the kitchen table for a visit. I paid close attention to the conversation at first. Then despite myself I found my eyes wandering longingly to that little patch of dirt ready and waiting to be planted. I began to get restless and to feel bad inside.

What if .... said "If" each time something was mentioned. You should have chimed in "Should."
On and on they droned until my nerves were stretched to the breaking point. I felt tears prickle at the back of my eyes. My good mood was totally gone now. My smile turned into a scowl, my shoulders slumped in defeat. My wonderful plans now seemed doomed to failure. All I really wanted to do now was give up, crawl back into bed and sleep. In short , I felt like a total loser.

Then I heard above all that negativity the sound of a single bird. It was singing a beautiful song of joy and hope. My heart began to feel different then. I straightened my shoulders and sat up straight and proud in my chair. "If" and" Should" just kept going on and on , but now I ignored them. Instead of falling under their spell again my mind began to drift to other things. All at once I remembered why I had been avoiding this gruesome twosome. They never , ever had anything positive to say. Gloom and doom was all they had ever brought to my life.

Turning around in my chair I quickly looked at the clock. Most of my day had been wasted on them, but all was not lost. I interrupted them mid sentence and firmly said. It's time for you two to leave. In the future if you plan on visiting me I must insist that you call well in advance.

After sending them on their way I breathed a huge sigh of relief. I had wasted way too much of my precious time on memories and regrets. It was past time to get on with my day.
Standing there in the stillness I began to think about the events that had just happened . What I "could " have done... I thought for a moment. Nope not going there !

Racing upstairs I turned on the shower and removed my robe. Stepping into the soothing spray of the shower I scrubbed away all the; Ifs, shoulds , woulds, and coulds . It felt so refreshing to just let all that ugly baggage go down the drain with the soap bubbles.

Seize the day I thought as I got dressed. Grabbing my purse and keys I turned for one more glance at my beautiful yard. Smiling to myself , I walked to my car , got in and drove away.

Don't judge a book by its covers.

Now I know why I can relate to my little foster dog so well. We have lots in common her and I . For one thing we both look fine on the outside. The inside is another story entirely. The world has beaten us both down in one way or another.

You can't see the scars but they are there. You can't touch them yet they are real. The cover of our books look fine. It's so easy to say that nothing is wrong with either of us. However, if you just look inside you will see the truth. In our books the pages are all torn , dirty and tattered. The spines are broken and the pages are loose. Pages and chapters are lost never to be found. But we look just fine.

I don't work. I get a check once a month. That sounds nice, money for nothing. Free time , no responsibility except to myself. Some of you might wish that you could be in my situation. For your sake I hope you never get that wish.

Dear Diary ....

Dear Diary,
I can't explain why but I am troubled today. My heart feels numb and I can't explain to you or anyone why. Right now it's a complete mystery to me.

All I know is that I can't feel happy or sad for very long. It's like a switch inside me has been flipped off, and with it my ability to feel. I have tried my best, but I just can't turn it back on.

I don't miss feeling sadness not at all to be honest . Happiness I do miss very, very much. Even as I write this all down it's like I am describing someone else not me.

Without feelings life is like eating plain vanilla ice cream at every meal. Feelings are the sprinkles, nuts , whip cream and cherry on top. Life becomes boring existence without them.

My "friends" would tell me to "cheer up". Pretending to be happy for them is not gonna work this time. I have to figure out how to turn that switch back on. Nothing else will help me.

Dear Diary, I still don't know what to do. But I feel a little bit better now. Just putting it down in words has helped a lot. Thank you for listening. xoxo

What does your vehicle color mean ?

Red means "STOP"

"RED" Stands out, it grabs our attention. It says "This is important" There are studies that say the color of a persons car reflects their personality and how confident they are. One study by CNW Marketing Research said this.

People who drive 'emerald green' vehicles are more likely to have a positive outlook, while owners of red cars tend to be more aggressive. Yellow cars tend to be owned by those with sunny dispositions. But those driving yellow or red cars are likely to be less confident. Owners of black cars are the most downbeat of all.

I have always noticed that old , pot bellied, bald guys tend to be the ones that drive red vehicles. Boys and their toys that will never change. They feel and look old, so they buy a red car. It is a shiny lure, but they aren't after fish.

"RED" is a warning. Stop , and think when you see it. Words to live by.

Truth is stranger than fiction,,,

Compassion, is defined as . Deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it. Even as a small child I had compassion. This is a true story to show just that.

My Grandmother on my fathers side and her daughter Donna were visiting. Those two were loud and crude and obnoxious. They screamed and cussed at my cousin Melody and it was horrible to see.

My Grandmother was jealous of me and my Dad. She wanted all his attention and affection for herself. At first she let her anger and hate towards me show. That didn't work at all in fact quite the opposite. Next she tried to win me over by pretending to like me. This is the result of that.

One day she gave me a coloring book and crayons. Melody and I were coloring quietly together when she noticed us. She screamed loudly. "G*d Dammit Melody ! I bought that for her not you. Get away from there you ...expletive , expletive ..." Melody got up and left the room.That was the last straw for me. I calmly gathered up the crayons and coloring book. I walked over and handed it to her.

"If Melody can't color too you can have these back." She was taken totally by surprise. Stunned and speechless that a little girl like me would say that to her. Eventually she stuttered and said in a sickly sweet voice. "Honey, If you want Melody to color too that's fine with me."

She lived to be a ripe old age. One day I asked my Mom why good people died young and bad people lived to be old like her. Her answer was. "Because God gives the bad ones every chance to change"

I would like to say that my actions made her nicer. But, this is true life not a fairy tale. As far as I know neither of them ever did change. I can't say for sure if that is true. They lived a long way from us , for that I will be eternally grateful.


** I called her "Grandmother" in this story to avoid confusion. She was never a real Grandmother to me. My real Grandmother died before I was born

" so easy a Cave man could do it."

Armchair quarterbacks are the best athletes on Earth, they never fumble the ball. Jeopardy is a cinch to the know it all sitting on his couch screaming out the answers. Wheel of Fortune is " so easy a Cave man could do it."

Judge not that ye be not judged. Words to live by, but very few people do. It's easier and more fun to put others down. Small people with small minds are experts at this . They see anyone who is different as being flawed and defective. Only people like them are worthy of respect. I like to say they are "a legend in their own minds. I just pity them. Someday life will teach them the truth.

Because of my living and health situation I have had more than my share of people who have judged me without knowing all the facts. They are entitled to their opinions. "Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one" We couldn't live very long without an "asshole" it's a biological necessity. On the other hand, Small minded ignorant fools , those we could quite easily do without.

Just for Today take time to be kind to someone a give them a compliment. Not for any reason just because you can. If you like it try it again tomorrow and the next day. Who knows , it may become a habit that will last a lifetime.

** Ever Forward **

The man I love is a flirt

I remember the very first time I saw him on Face book. I knew immediately that I had to get to know this man . I will never regret following that impulse.

His naughty sense of humor makes me blush. I love the way he picks on me. When he laughs ,I laugh too. We even giggle together. His Mama and I love to tease him. Not to be mean , but because we both love him. He is very , very easy to love.

sOur conversations are about everything and anything. I have told him things about myself that I never dared to share with anyone else. Sometimes I think he knows me even better than I know myself.

"Would you like to see a picture of my cock?" That was the first in box he sent me. I replied , "you are a really cool guy , but no thank you" That was how it all started. We started talking and teasing each other and it hasn't stopped yet.

I caught him flirting with another woman the other day .He was wanting to send her pictures of his cock. I was very hurt when I saw that. Instead of talking to him like an adult, I childishly pushed him away. That was wrong of me and I regret doing it very much. It only made things worse. Now we are both miserable.

He has never hid the fact that he loves to flirt. He was a flirt when I met him and nothing has changed. That's not the end of the world, and it doesn't have to be the end of us. If he wants to try again, I do too. I don't want to lose him because of my silly pride. He is now and will always be a blessing to my life.

**Ever forward**

}}}} SPLAT {{{{

Bad things happen to good people. Sometimes you can't stop them sometimes you can. The excuse most people use is " I don't want to get involved."

Is it lack of time, interest or maybe compassion that makes them feel that way. My theory is they like to see the splat. Like watching Wile E, Coyote get outwitted by the Road Runner.

Are we our brothers keeper ? How responsible are we for our fellow human beings ? I don't think there is just one answer for those questions. My personal belief is that if I see someone about to be blindsided by a bus I try to save them. Even if it means that they will hate me afterwards.

It doesn't always work, some times people will get hurt no matter what you do. Life is dirty and messy sometimes. Some people don't want to be rescued. The decision to step in and disrupt another persons life is never easy. It takes courage to speak up ...I did this recently, I don't know the outcome. I can only hope that it works out for the best.

Trust is a fools game

Fools rush in , and so do I. Making friends and finding someone to love was all I wanted. Being liked , maybe even loved, was what I craved most. I wanted these things so badly it blinded me. I never saw things around me as they really were. The people I met in person all lied to me. Not one of them were ever a real friend. I was in the hospital twice recently and not one of them visited me. All they really ever did was use me and abuse my trust. They took what they wanted and never gave in return . After that they had no more time for me.

Everybody you meet has a hidden agenda. Something that they want to take from you. Trusting people is nothing but a fools game. No matter what people say you can never trust them. Doing so will only bring pain, misery and heartache. This is a cynical statement but it is always true. It was a very painful lesson , but I learned it well.

it's a heartache, nothing but a heartache
Hits you when it's too late, hits you when you're down
It's a fools' game, nothing but a fool's game
Standing in the cold rain, feeling like a clown

Atlas

Atlas is said to have the weight of the world on his shoulders.Today I can almost imagine what that must feel like. Just getting out of bed took tremendous effort.
My foster dog is the only reason I finally got moving. She needed walked and fed.

She knows that I am feeling depressed, dogs are like that. This morning when I was coaxing her out of her crate she shyly kissed my cheek. She has never been that brave before. Her concern and love for me was stronger than her fear.

That's a very humbling thought. This little 15 lb dog who was cruelly abused is now taking care of me. I am supposed to be the brave and strong one in this relationship. The truth is way different. I am bigger , but she is braver. That is my first lifes' lesson from her. I know in my heart that is is far from the last.

** Ever Forward **

Even the birds are silent

I am sad right now, I feel like I need to cry. There is no reason for these feelings. Bi-Polar is like this . It creeps into my head and sends me into a tailspin. All I can do it ride it out. I don't feel inspired to write anything so this story will have to do.

"The legend of the Thornbird"

'There is a legend about a bird that sings just once in its life, more sweetly than any other creature on the face of the earth. From the moment it leaves the nest, it searches for a thorn tree, and does not rest until it has found one. Then, singing among the savage branches, it impales itself upon the longest, sharpest spine. And dying, it rises above its own agony to out sing the lark and the nightingale. One superlative song, existence the price. But the whole world stills to listen, and God in his heaven smiles. For the best is only bought at the cost of great pain.

It's hard to see the beauty in life today. It's cold and rainy outside. Even the birds are silent. My meditation Cd will be getting used today. Other than that all I can do is take it slow and easy one breath at a time. This too shall pass.

** Ever Forward **

"In the cards"

"I'll think about it tomorrow"
(Scarlett Ohara-Gone With the Wind)

I did that for many years. Difficult things seem easier if you can put them off instead of dealing with them right now. In reality it just makes things worse. Procrastination is a way of life for me. I clean to avoid paying bills for example. It doesn't make my bills go away. It just cost me late fees and hurts my credit.

I no longer admire Scarlett like I once did. Belle Wattling is the one I admire these days. She is a survivor , but still has a heart of gold. When the Yankees overran Atlanta she stayed and carried on her business regardless.

Was Belle just trying to make a buck ? I think she was just doing whatever it took to survive and provide for her son. She didn't run like the rest did. She stayed and protected what was hers. Her life wasn't easy, people were cruel to her. The proper ladies called her gold dirty when she tried to donate it to the hospital.

Only the much respected Melanie Wilkes saw the goodness in her. When Melanie accepted the gold from Belle no one dared say no. Rhett Butler called her his loyal friend and sometimes lover. Society just saw a dyed hair, painted faced, whore. They shunned her in the light of day and did business with her after dark.

When she spoke of her son her voice was full of pride, love and joy. The glow if her smile lit up her face. A Mother, a friend, a lover and a survivor. She never helped people for fame or personal gain. For her it was simply the right thing to do.

Scarlett is still with me and always will be. Belle is here too, and she refuses to be ignored. Whenever Scarlett says " think about it tomorrow". Belle says "Get off your butt , do it now ! ". Belle is the one I listen to the most. Even so things don't always go according to plan. Winning isn't always in the cards. "You win some, you lose some." The most important thing is that you get in the game !

** Ever forward**

A new point of view

The idea that "Everything happens for a reason" may turn you off. It might even make you extremely angry. I can't make you believe that it is true. All I can do is tell you my own personal story. After that you can draw your own conclusions.

As a child I had no playmates. I read a lot because that was something I could do by myself. I remember very vividly the first time I used a dictionary in school. I still love to look words up and see their origins. Try it yourself. Pick a word that you use every day. What language is it from ? You may be in for quite a surprise.

The English language as spoken in the USA is entirely made up of words borrowed from other places . Immigrants brought with them more than their dreams of freedom and a better life. They also brought their cultures and languages. We are the great American melting pot and our language is the result of that.

I went to college and was in accepted into the Registered Nurse program. I was nearly finished. I only had 2 classes left. It was at that time that I began to have severe panic attacks. I never finished and I don't have the ability to finish now.

Manic Depression is the old name for Bi-Polar disorder. At times I am depressed and want to give up. Other times I am 'Manic" during those times I feel like I can do anything. Write a book , climb a mountain. Anything seems possible to me.

I am not alone in my struggle Carrie Fisher, Patty Duke, Sting, Ben Stiller, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Jonathan Winters, Richard Dreyfuss, Peter Gabriel , Macy Gray, Frank Sinatra and Linda Hamilton. Every one of them is Bi-Polar.

These things about me might make you want to pity me. You might also consider yourself to be superior to me. I used to feel sorry for myself and think that others were better than me. I thought that life was being unfair to me . My life seemed pointless. Now I am looking at it from a new point of view.

Isolation taught me to read and to be curious about many things. My fascination with words led me to learn not only to read but to comprehend what I read. This in turn helped me to get into the RN program at the local community College.

My Nursing classes taught me many things that I have used to take care of myself and my family. Psychology, Nutrition, and Pharmacology to name a few.I may not be an RN, but I have used everything that I learned despite my lack of credentials.

My struggle with Bi-Polar and Anxiety is helping me now to care for a little abused dog named "Lilac". My son has a puggle named "Dakota". I am afraid to take her out for a walk. Being outside with her makes me very jumpy. I love Dakota very much. She is a wonderful dog. I just can't keep up with her, my fear is too strong.

When I go out with "Lilac" she is afraid too. She looks to me to protect her from what she fears. I sometimes think that she knows that I am scared too. Together we can be brave. We are in a sense kindred souls in a big scary world.

All these things that I thought were bad at the time. They all happened in my life for a purpose. I would not be the same person I am today without them.

** Ever Forward **

"Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off the goal"

Obesity is ruining my health . I can't fix the damage already done. I can make my future better by losing the excess weight. At this point failure is not an option.

My friend lost over 70 lbs by changing the way he eats and exercising . I am very proud of him. He sent me a picture the other day. Honestly I did not recognize him at all. He looks really great, but he doesn't look like the man I know.

How will I look after I lose 70 lbs ?
Will I recognize myself at all ?
Will I see a stranger staring in the mirror ?

Like a hurdler in a race looking down will only make me fall. I have to keep my eyes on the prize. Only then will I ever see what I will really look like minus 70 lbs. Outside I know that I will look very different. Inside though I will still be the same person that I am right now. Just a little lighter on my feet I suppose. *LOL*

** EVER FORWARD **

True Nature

Every living thing needs a defender at least once in their life. Once upon a time I thought that I had one. I trusted and respected him he was my world.

Then something bad happened to me and he let me down in a big way. When I needed him most he did not defend me. His exact words were; "What the hell am I supposed to do ?" After that I lost respect for him and pitied him instead.

I didn't expect him to go fight a duel. Words of support and comfort are what I needed not blood shed. As soon as he uttered those words I saw his true nature.

Like the song by Al Wilson illustrates even though a snake can say nice things and look harmless it is still a snake. It's true nature will come out eventually. If you don't watch yourself it will bite you in the ass. I speak from experience.

On her way to work one morning Down the path along side the lake A tender hearted woman saw a poor half frozen snake His pretty colored skin had been all frosted with the dew "Oh well," she cried, "I'll take you in and I'll take care of you" "Take me in oh tender woman Take me in, for heaven's sake Take me in oh tender woman," sighed the snake She wrapped him up all cozy in a curvature of silk And then laid him by the fireside with some honey and some milk Now she hurried home from work that night as soon as she arrived She found that pretty snake she'd taking in had been revived "Take me in, oh tender woman Take me in, for heaven's sake Take me in oh tender woman," sighed the snake Now she clutched him to her bosom, "You're so beautiful," she cried "But if I hadn't brought you in by now you might have died" Now she stroked his pretty skin and then she kissed and held him tight But instead of saying thanks, that snake gave her a vicious bite "Take me in, oh tender woman Take me in, for heaven's sake Take me in oh tender woman," sighed the snake "I saved you," cried that woman "And you've bit me even, why? You know your bite is poisonous and now I'm going to die" "Oh shut up, silly woman," said the reptile with a grin "You knew damn well I was a snake before you took me in "Take me in, oh tender woman Take me in, for heaven's sake Take me in oh tender woman," sighed the snake

Times a wasting !!!

Consider this; When someone or something upsets you.

If this were my last day on Earth would I want to waste it on this ?

If the answer is "No" let it go and walk away.

My heart's desire

I want to feel peaceful inside. I have been wanted this for a very long time. I looked a lot of different places and asked many, many questions . Still I never found what I was looking for. In fact all I found was trouble, tears and heartache.

Yesterday as I celebrated each little step Lilac made towards trusting me I realized something had changed inside me. I felt a warm feeling deep in my heart. It felt really good, and it reminded me of memories of long gone days.

Sunday drives, going fishing, a perfect spring day. Those were times in my past when I felt truly at peace. As I thought about those times I realized something.
Peace doesn't come from the world around us. All these many years I had been looking in the wrong place. I thought that all the answers were out there just beyond my fingertips. Now I knew it had been right there in my heart all along.

Dorothy in the "Wizard of Oz" said it best. When the tin woodsman asked her what she had learned, she replied.
" if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with!

Use it or lose it....

Lately I have not thought of myself as being a strong person. I have felt more like Driftwood getting tossed around helplessly in the ocean. I accepted that feeling as my reality.

I have to be strong now for my little foster dog. She is so tiny but she is a survivor. She has survived things so awful that I cannot bear to think about what she has suffered. She is safe here in my home now. I am gonna protect her and take care of her as long as there is breath in my body.

Strength is like a muscle. It gets bigger when you use it, and smaller if you don't. Because of this little one my strength is getting a workout and getting stronger every day.

**Ever Forward **

In memory of "Duchess"

Trust means something totally new to me now. I am fostering a little dog that was abused. It breaks my heart to see just how paralyzed she is by fear.

I have to figure out ways to show her that she can trust me. Her abusers have taught her that people are cruel. It will take lots of time , patience and love to undo that damage. I want to free her from her prison of fear. While I work to teach this sweet little dog to trust maybe I can learn to to trust again as well.

It's in Gods hands now. He brought us together for a purpose. I don't know what it is yet , but it will be revealed in time. I already know it will be hard to send her to her forever home. I will take lots of pictures and treasure the memories. As long as I know that she is safe, happy and loved that is all that matters.

I do this in the memory of our Min Pin "Duchess" She was taken too soon from our family by complications of Diabetes . She is and will always be in my heart. <3>

Not lost ...

During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

I had misplaced my faith. I didn't lose it, I just took it for granted. Starting today I am putting it back in my heart where it belongs. Faith can move mountains and I have some big ones to move right now.

** Ever Forward **

From Start to Finish ...

Nice Guys Finish last, so do nice Girls. Sometimes I hate being "Nice". That word makes me nauseous. It feels like I have eaten too many sweets and I need to vomit. ( sorry I am just being honest )

When people say I am nice, I clench my jaw and grind my teeth. If I said what I was thinking at this very moment they would change their opinion of me. Right now I am not in a "nice" mood at all. I would love to kick or punch something, but I won't. Why not ? Because "Nice" people don't do that.

I finish last a lot, always have , always will. Just for once I would like to be the one in first place. I would like to know what it feels like to win. Being a winner sounds really "Nice" to me. However to be honest being first doesn't matter at all right now. All that really does matter is that I do finish.

**Ever Forward **

"All you need is Love"

"All You Need is Love" is a song by the Beatles. It has a catchy tune and it's impossible not to sing along. If only real life were that simple.

My boyfriend and I are having some problems. It is about something that he likes to do that I am uncomfortable with.I can easily understand why he needs to do it , but can't bear knowing that he wants to. I respect him for not sneaking behind my back. But I am ashamed because of what others must be thinking.

I don't feel angry or depressed at all. Acceptance is the emotion that I feel most and also a sense of loss. I realize if I forbid him doing this , he will be forced to sneak and lie to me. The only choice I can see is to let him go.

Sometimes Love is not enough....

Glad Rags

My sister brought over a bunch of her plus size clothes that don't fit her anymore. They are very pretty and nicer than anything I have owned in a very long time.
I am hoping that being able to dress nicer will help improve my self image. It isn't the cure , but it is a step in the right direction. "Ever Forward "

Keep It Simple Stupid

Trees are beautiful to me they provide shade and many other things. The smell of fresh cut grass is nice too. A warm spring rain is the cleanest, freshest smell in the whole world.

When I was a kid I was proud of the way our yard looked in the summer. We cut the grass, raked the leaves and pulled the weeds. It was a never ending dirty, back breaking job. It had to be done so we did it without hesitation. It was hard but the results were all that mattered.

The riding lawnmower was a necessity not a luxury. However every Spring the same thing happened. We did not have a garage so during the Winter the mower was outside. My Dad would piddle around about getting it up and running for us to use. This drove us nuts.

If the mower needed parts we would have to order them from Sears and then wait. Meantime the grass would grow up thick and tall. It looked horrible. Dad never seemed to notice how bad it looked. Mom would wait until he went to work and then take matters into her own hands.

She would dig out the push mowers. It took a lot longer to cut the grass that way, but the job got done. I always felt a sense of victory as I pushed that mower. It wasn't a matter of "I don't want to do this, It's not fair". We had a job to do and we did it with the tools that were available.

I have carried that attitude forward into my life for a long time. This morning as I was walking back from getting the paper I started thinking about the old days. I realized that somewhere along the way I had lost that work ethic. I knew in that moment it was just what I need now.

I can't stand waiting when something needs to be done. It makes me nervous and jittery. Now here I am doing just that. Every night I say I will exercise tomorrow, but I never do. It frustrates me more and more with each passing day. I need to change my attitude.

K.I.S.S is a tool I often use. It means Keep it simple Stupid. I am not saying I am stupid by the way . I do however have a very bad habit of making simple things harder than they really are. When I notice myself doing that I think of K.I.S.S and it helps get me back on track.

Today I need to focus on K.I.S.S. The simple fact is that I have a job to do. I can stand around moaning and groaning or I can grab that push mower and do what has to be done.

"Ever Forward"

"What do you believe people think about you ?"

A person's self-image is the mental picture, generally of a kind that is quite resistant to change. It includes things that can be seen by others and also things that are learned by experience such as the items listed below.

• Am I skinny?

• Am I fat?
• Am I attractive?
• Am I weak?
• Am I strong?
• Am I intelligent?
• Am I stupid?
• Am I a good person?
• Am I a bad person?
• Am I masculine?
• Am I feminine?
• Am I likable

"What do you believe people think about you ?"

Forming a healthy self-image can be hard especially when family, peers, community, or the general society have very negative evaluations of a person that happen to be inaccurate. The result of this is self hatred.
Poor self-image is caused by invalid criticisms that the person collected as a child that damage the way they see themselves. Children accept false negative judgments from authority figures because they trust and look up to them.

Today I discussed my theory as to why I can't make myself work out. I told my counselor about what I had said in my earlier blog. Together he and I came to a completely different conclusion than the one I had reached by myself.
My "poor self image" is what I am struggling with. I need to learn to like myself. . Easy to say , but hard to do. This is gonna take some time. First things first.

"What do I believe people think about me ?"

I talk too much and too loud. My friends all deserted me. I rarely talk to them anymore and never see them. They don't ask me out not even for coffee. They are ashamed to be seen with me . I am fat, very pale, and kinda plain. My legs are short, my hips and belly are big. It looks like I have an inner tube under my clothes. I chew my fingernails and hardly ever wear makeup. My hair is usually messy or just flat. It is clean but it is not styled. I have boobs but not much. I don't read the paper or follow world events. I know nothing about music , sports or most any other topic . I can't dance and am afraid to learn how to. I am boring . I am mentally ill , Manic Depressive aka - Bi-Polar . A Loony bird. In short a loser.

Hell, I don't even like me. Why should they ?

Yeah , that's what I have to change.

Aren't I a lucky girl ?