Self Esteem

I need to be liked. I crave other peoples attention and approval ? That is the problem, Now to find a solution. How can I change this ? Poor self esteem is at the root of all of this.

It is a roadblock in my life. It keeps me in just as much as the Berlin wall did all those people for so many years. I want to destroy that roadblock just like they did that ugly wall. I would love to smash it to tiny little bits. Am I able to do that ? No Am I gonna give up ? Hell No !!!

There is a saying; When God closes a door , He opens a window. Windows are often used to describe opportunities in life. If you miss a the window of opportunity it may never come again. If I can find a way to open some windows in that roadblock. Things are likely to change for the better. Fresh air will come in and blow away all that hurt and sadness.

Without that I can over time cut out more and more windows. As the light pours in and the darkness fades. My self esteem will be nourished and grow stronger like a plant in the sunshine. Instead of destroying the roadblock , I will transform it into something that I can live with.

My way of thinking is unconventional. Most people would do it differently but I am not most people. I am proud to be a unique individual and I value that trait in others as well.

In fact I have felt I lived apart from others. Something happened in first grade that makes me believe this to be true. Me and a boy named Bobby were sometimes taken away from class to talk to a lady. Who she was or why this was done , I haven't a clue. I remember her having me draw figure eights on the blackboard. I can remember that part like it happened yesterday.

This habit of mine to base my self worth and happiness on the opinions of others is like a figure eight. If you draw a figure eight there is no beginning or end . You can trace it over and over and never get anywhere at all. If you do so long enough you will rip right through the paper.

Unless I can stop drawing that figure eight I will keep ripping too. The paper can't heal after it rips, but I can. Each time this happens it makes the scar get bigger and uglier. Change is hard . Poor self esteem and I go back a long ways. Writing this out is the first step of a long journey.