I like myself just the way I am

I have always accepted what I was given instead of waiting for what I wanted. I never spoke up , I just kept all my disappointment and hurt feelings inside.

It's easier and quicker to just take what you can get , when you can get it. Settling is always quicker , but never better than waiting. In fact my impatience caused me a lot of disappointment. It also caused a lot of heartache and tears.

Now I am on a new path to self discovery. I am alone, by choice and I am quite content to be that way . I know that until I can have the self confidence to say "I like myself just the way I am" I have no business even dating. I have a long way to go before I get to where I need to be. Settling is "NOT" an option this time around.

Victory

Last night I was strong and it felt really good and still does. It all started with the words "How r u ?" Innocent enough but painful for too many reasons to list.

It was someone that I met on Face book that lives 1000 miles away. We were considered a couple for a bit. Some stuff happened and now I am trying to distance myself from him for the good of us both. It was so tempting to just pretend that nothing had changed between us. It would have been so easy to do that. Instead I chose let the past stay where it belongs and resist temptation.

Missing the present by mourning the past does no good at all. The past is gone, the present is here and the future is yet to come. Sounds simple, but it never is.

People are creatures of habit and I am no different from the rest. Some habits are good for us. Like brushing our teeth every day. It's not fun or exciting ,but we do so because it is good for our health. Other habits are self destructive like over eating or staying in bad situations instead of leaving them behind.

Last night I felt sorry for him. We both miss the good times we shared. I did not want to hurt him by saying "get lost" or worse. That is another bad habit from my past. Trying to ease my own pain by lashing out and hurting the other person. I used to think that hurting them would make my pain stop. The truth is it just made me more miserable than I was before. Revenge is a 2 edged sword.

This time was very different in a positive way. I did not let my emotions get out of control. I did not get angry and say nasty things, nor did I cry. I did not blame him nor myself for anything that had happened between us. I just accepted it.

I was polite and brief with my responses. I took my time, thought things through and remained calm. Here's to this victory and all the ones yet to come.

Faith vs Logic

This is the day, That the Lord hath made
We will rejoice, We will rejoice and be glad in it ....

Just now I found myself singing this old hymn. When I was younger I used to feel so optimistic about life. I sang almost all the time and I had faith in God , myself and other people. Now I am a lot older and I don't sing like I used to. I find it hard to be optimistic like I was back then. I still have faith in God and in his eternal love , but not like I used to. Life has not been kind to me and I find myself fighting the urge to become hard, bitter and cynical.

I believe God created the Heavens and the Earth just like it says in the Bible. Science says we evolved from apes. Faith says we were created in Gods' image. Science may be more logical but logic is a cold uncaring thing. Scientific facts and fossils give no comfort or hope when your world is crashing down around your ears and you feel like no one cares if it does.

Faith in a higher power is what you need then. That belief is what gets me through the night. Hearing my voice singing those words today made me feel good inside. I also felt a sense of renewed faith deep inside of me. Tomorrow I want to sing again and the next day and the next... Faith can move mountains of fossils, but mountains of fossils can't remove one ounce of faith.

To thine own self be true

Yesterday I realized that I have been living a lie. I thought that if I got out and met people I would finally be happy. Like girls in a fairy tale. Once upon a time ... happily ever after. I blame that garbage thinking on Harlequin Romances.

Reality is not a Harlequin or "Noah's Ark" either. No law says, we have to go around 2 by 2. Some people are alone in life by choice, others are that way by circumstance. Alone or not we all have the same potential for happiness.

First though before I can claim my share of happiness. I have to relearn some things . Mainly how to be true to myself. That sounds very nice to me. I still remember the way I used to be. Can hardly wait to see the real me again.

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell, my blessing season this in thee!

Jeannie in a bottle....

I Dream Of Jeannie.... I used to love that show. Whenever things got tough Jeanie would just go into her little bottle. Wouldn't it be nice to have a place to go whenever things went wrong ?

As I get older I realize there is no way to escape the world. I am part of the world it is me and I am it. This was true from the moment I was born and it will never, ever change. No matter how hard it is I have no choice but to interact with the world. I am looking for ways to help me do just that. It is not quick or easy , but the rewards so far have been worth the time and effort.

Jeannie hid in her little bottle... I tried that, it didn't work, it made things even worse. My idea now is to live in the world as best I can. But, when I get panicked, scared and overwhelmed I need a place where I can go to recharge my batteries. Not a hiding place, a peaceful Oasis. A place filled with beautiful things and positive thoughts. It will be safe and soothing there. It will calm, soothe and nourish me. I can come and go as I please. No one but me holds the key.

My readings especially the teachings of The Dalai Lama have given me much to think about. I will close now with a quote from him that I really like.

"If You have fear of some pain or suffering, you should examine whether there is anything you can do about it. If you can there is no need to worry about it; if you cannot do anything , then also there is no need to worry"

I will be happy .....

A lot of people have used me. The sad truth is I let them do that. I was so lonely and desperate for attention that I was grateful for any crumb they offered me.

Because I don't like myself I am an easy target for people like that. The only way to stop that is to figure out ways to help myself see that I am a good person and deserve to be treated better.

I am not stupid, I went to college so that is one thing in my favor. I also know that I have a strong desire to change and that is a very good thing to have going for me.

I want to believe that there is something better out there for me. First though I must forgive myself for my mistakes of the past and learn to live with myself just as I am today. If I believe that I can be happy and tell myself that I am happy. I believe that one day I will be happy.

Do it now !!!!!

I will not allow you to like me or to say that I am nice. I don't like myself at all , and you are not allowed to like me either. Don't even dare to try ! You will be very sorry if you don't listen to my advice. I will do anything it takes to push you away from me. Don't you dare try to be kind to me either or say good things about me. I know you are lying just because you pity me and how messed up I am. You will never change my mind about any of this. Stop rubber necking and just move along. You know you want to ....Do it now !!! Turn your back and go away, this crazy lady has had her say.

Till Death do we part....

She does not live -She exists- trapped in a moment- fingers curled in agony - empty hands reaching for someone or something that does not exist , nor ever will - her tortured . tattered heart aching incessantly as the cruel vise of despair tightens mercilessly around it -her broken empty dreams reflected in her tear filled eyes - her lips are tremulous moving silently - her throat is clogged with unspoken , useless screams for help that would fall empty into space - or merely echo off the cold unforgiving walls of the fortress where she has existed since her first breath, It doesn't matter -nothing matters - she tells herself when the turmoil of her emotions rips at her body from within like the talons of a ravenous beast , in the worst of it she holds herself and muffles her screams as silent tears run down her face. Live or die - happy or sad it matters not to her -those are things she cannot control-Pain all is pain Pain emptiness and never ending despair-Never good enough -too short, too fat, too slow - too nice- too different - No place to belong -but here - in this place - where she has been and where she will always be - Not alive and not dead - nothing and no one a speck of sand on the planet -Alone, alone- always alone - Invisible ---she dwells in silent despair her life nothing but a empty act -coming to life when needed and in a dusty corner unheeded by anyone otherwise - just a tool a peon, nothing and no one - useful but valueless- Her soul is broken with despair -Her spirit is defeated -beat down to nothing over time by her Isolation and fear ---and constant - reprimands of too slow -not right - I love you and good bye- Come here, no get lost - Dreams of being normal -what ever that may be. Desires to be free -Hopes of being loved and cared for - Desiring no luxuries or riches - simply a cozy home filled with love - the door always open to her non-existent friends, fantasies of seeing the world beyond her safe place- the smell of the ocean - warm sand between her toes - the sun warm upon her face and the air fresh and pure. She knows that this will never happen - they are Words on a page - keystrokes from her fingers- no more real than -Once upon a time and Happily ever after - The pain and despair have taken over -their power grows with every moment that passes - Her thoughts are like razor wire all tangled in her brain- ripping and rending and destroying her mind - What is real ? What is possible ? What is insanity ? Does time matter ? Will my turn ever come ? Why was I born ? How much longer must I suffer ? All is the same as it ever was and ever shall be ---till death we do part.

Hurt

I hurt myself today

To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real.

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away In the end ....

I am alone once again. I know I am better off this way. People scare and confuse me. I don't understand why they do the things they do. So many people have lied to me and hurt me , that I don't know what the truth is anymore.

Broken promises of phone calls, coffee dates and all the rest. Are they lies , pretense, or just lack of respect for my feelings. I don't know which it is , all I do know it that it hurts very much. If my pain matters to them it sure doesn't show.

I belong alone here in this bedroom. I can't trust anyone but myself. Those are the cold hard facts. Everyone else will hurt and disappoint me. I am like a weak animal in the herd. The stronger predators will always attack the weakest one. Except they do it for survival. People hurt each other just for the fun of it.

That's why alone is safer for me. In here the world can't hurt me anymore.

The Battle Within me......

Two Wolves

An old Indian Grandfather said to his grandson who came to him with anger at a friend who had done him an injustice.

“Let me tell you a story. I too, at times, have felt a great hate for those that have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do. But hate wears you down, and does not hurt your enemy. It is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die. I have struggled with these feelings many times.”

He continued…

“It is as if there are two wolves inside me; One is good and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him and does not take offense when no offense was intended. He will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way. He saves all his energy for the right fight.

But the other wolf, ahhh!

He is full of anger. The littlest thing will set him into a fit of temper. He fights everyone, all the time, for no reason. He cannot think because his anger and hate are so great. It is helpless anger, for his anger will change nothing. Sometimes it is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, for both of them try to dominate my spirit.”

The boy looked intently into his Grandfather’s eyes and asked…

“Which one wins, Grandfather?”

The Grandfather smiled and quietly said…

“The one I feed.”

Shadows ...

Shadows, We all have them and we can't escape them no matter how hard we try. We forget about them sometimes , but they are always there and always will be.

If you think about it the past is like that. No matter where we go our past is always there with us. Spending our lives looking back at either our shadows or our pasts are both big wastes of time. Doing so will only make us miss out on the present.

What can we do to keep from doing that ? How can we learn to live in the present? Those are questions that we must each answer for ourselves.

*Ever Forward*

I Want

* I want to be able to say what I want.
* I want to be able to stand up for myself.


I always let men make promises to me and then break them. I am to put it kindly a doormat. Honestly , guys seem to know it from the moment they meet me. I think I have it written in invisible ink on my forehead or something. **lmao**

Until I learn to be strong and assertive I will never, ever get what I really want.

Until I speak up and say it..... "Loud and Proud" I will never be heard.

Then if I still get ignored ...
I will walk out the door and leave that sucker eating my dust....

A Worthwhile Goal...

I don't like myself or the way I act at times. My emotions overwhelm me and it feels like I am totally out of control. At those times I do and say and do things that make me ashamed. My self hatred and poor self esteem make me a possessive , jealous bitchy woman as well.

My goal is to learn ways to prevent or at least make those times shorter and less severe. I think that if I can do that I will feel more confident, and better about myself. Till that is resolved I am much better off alone. All my energy has to be devoted to that or I will never succeed.

Already I am beginning to feel different about my place in my family and in the world. It is just a tiny beginning, but I feel like I am on the right path. You may have noticed all the mentions of the Dalai Lama. I came across his name quite a bit in my research. I figured all the things I read were from his teachings anyway. So, why not skip the middle man and go to the source.

I am amazed by this mans words. He is not a stuffy boring person at all. Also he is not out to convert anyone to his religion. He is very well learned, yet can be very mischievous even during the most solemn or occasions. He enjoys life to the fullest which is evidenced in his wonderful laugh. I cannot describe it with words. All I can say is that it is truly amazing to hear.

The first quote that made me want too read more was. "We all want to be happy , No one wants to suffer" I am not trying to become a Buddhist. I just want to find a way to take control of my life. I think that if I can push away all the crap that other people have piled on me that I will be able to find myself and then my life will take a turn for the better.

The world and the people in it hold no peace for me. No matter how hard I try or where I look I will never find anything but drama and turmoil. Life is messy at times, that is just a fact.

My happiness now and in the future depends on me. Only if I forgive myself for my past mistakes and failures can I allow myself to be happy. Then maybe If I do meet someone I will not sabotage it with my behavior. If I don't meet someone I will still benefit by being happier and at peace. It is a win-win situation and well worth the effort to reach my goal.

Victory

Last night I saw myself. Not in a mirror or in a photograph, in a book. There is a reference to parental attachment in there that describes me perfectly.

The term they use is "Destructive Compassion" The definition is: Parents who control their children and do not allow them autonomy."

Parent child attachment goes hand in hand with this. According to the book as small children we all belong to our parents. I agree with that at that time we could not survive on our own.

As we grow up that need grows less and so we do not belong to them anymore. We still need our parents very much . but we can and should have our own lives, and make our own decisions. If all goes well that happens quite naturally.

It is not easy for parents to let go of possession of their children. Especially as the book mentions if they do things to put themselves in danger or make decisions that are unwise. If parents are over attached, possessive and controlling this is called "Destructive Compassion"

For myself this has impacted on my life in many ways. Grade school was a nightmare, since I had always been around adults I had no social skills. Junior high was the same way. I was never allowed to trick or treat like other kids. High School I was an outsider by choice. I was tired of asking and hearing "no". I kept to myself , no friends, never dated. No expectations , no disappointments.

I was 22 when I got my first kiss. My curfew was 11:00 pm. Yet I managed to lose my virginity and get pregnant anyway. Despite that my life still changed very little. I did get married to my sons father, We were very immature and divorced in less than a year. I Moved back home with my son and here I am 21 years later.

Can I survive on my own ? I doubt it , but my parents won't live forever. Eventually I will have to leave here. My Social Security check won't pay the rent. I really don't want to live with my son, but that may be the only choice.

Before I read those words in that book I felt like I was the only one this ever happened to. I felt like a total freak. Now I am relieved to see that it is not as bizarre as I thought it was. This to me is a great relief.

Knowing that others have and are facing the same problems as me means that there may be a solution out there. This gives me hope that one day I will find it and be able to help myself. That for me would be a tremendous victory.

OOPS !!!!

Thinking too much aka Manic thoughts. It's one of those days when my brain is in fast forward. I just wrote a blog and then lost it somehow. I keep forgetting to hit the save button in case this happens. This is not the first time ....grrrr !!!!

Instead of save I hit some other button and destroyed all that hard work. It's not a tragedy , but it sucks all the same. My writing is not the greatest but it means a lot to me. (This is not a subtle hint to praise me ---lol) Expressing myself in words is my greatest joy these day.

I could try to re-write it, but I don't have the patience for that today. Plus I could never get it just the way it was. That would be very frustrating to me and just make me feel even worse.

A fresh start isn't all that bad. Letting go of that other blog is not easy , but not impossible either. Forgiving myself for that mistake feels pretty good too. Everyone screws up sometimes , and I just did. That blog was really good, and now it is really gone. This is called a "learning experience" Blame and guilt have no place here. Acceptance of my mistakes is a struggle for me. This is one more lesson for me to learn from. Forgiving myself is a huge step Indeed.

Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck. (HHDL)

Faith ....in Beauty

Better or Worse... Better or Worse...Better or Worse...Better or Worse....Better or Worse. I can still hear my eye doctor saying that, over and over again. It was downright nerve racking after a while. Those rows of letters got so they looked all the same to me. I don't know why that phrase that made me so anxious.

Having friends for me is nerve racking sometimes. The better side is when we chat and joke around with each other. Laughter is always a very good thing . Worse is seeing them go on vacations, attend concerts and parties and fall in and out of love. Those things make me feel like my heart is gonna break.

My head knows that many people in the world have lives a lot worse than mine. My heart just knows the pain that I feel. Sometimes all I can think about is stopping that awful feeling inside me. I did get some medicine for my anxiety attacks. They are getting worse and more frequent.I don't like taking them , but can't function without them.

That doesn't mean that I am giving up on finding other tools besides drugs to cope. In fact I just read the following quote yesterday. Each and every time I read it I feel a bit calmer and more hopeful. I may never know what my contribution the world was. The truth is I don't feel any desire or need to do so. Faith that it does exist is all I really ever needed. Faith , what a beautiful feeling !


The creatures that inhabit this earth-be they human beings or animals-are here to contribute, each in its own particular way, to the beauty and prosperity of the world. (HHDL)

Tolerance

"Compassion and tolerance are not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength."

My goal to create a peaceful place within myself is going pretty well. I am also learning many new coping skills . This blog is a written record of what I have learned so far.

Today I was put in a couple of situations that could have caused arguments. Instead of fighting I chose to walk away. It wasn't easy but it I did it anyway. Yay !!!! for me :-))

Confrontations and arguments are like hiking up a steep hill with your backpack full of rocks. You will get to the top eventually, but you will not enjoy the journey.

Showing others tolerance and compassion make your burden light. No need for a back pack at all. A sturdy walking stick , a bottle of water and a camera are all you need take along.

Without that backbreaking load to carry that hike is not a punishment it's a wonderful adventure. The rocks ?? or The camera ?? You can't have both ....The decision is in your hands.

Pain is inevitable suffering is not (HHDL)

We often add to our pain and suffering by being overly sensitive, overreacting to minor things, and sometimes taking things too personally. We tend to take small things too seriously and blow them up out of proportion, while at the same time we often remain indifferent to the really important things, those things which have profound effects on our lives and long-term consequences and implications.

So I think that to a large extent, whether you suffer depends on how you respond to a given situation. (HHDL)

Each time I can stop or decrease my suffering makes it a bit easier to do so the next time. I still forget sometimes and then I fall into my old way of suffering and making things worse.

Here is one way I have practiced this principle for myself. One day I was getting my hair colored. As I sat there my back began to hurt. My first response was " Oh no , we just started, what am I gonna do, the pain is gonna get worse and worse if I sit here, I can't do this !!! "

Then I took a deep breath , relaxed and focused on the pain just as it was. Not as I thought it would be. Once the tension in my body eased I was able to see that the pain was not so bad. The pain eased too and I finished my appointment and was on my way relatively pain free.

I know that I can't stop painful things from happening to me. No one can do that, but we all wish we could. My response is what I can control. Pain is inevitable , suffering is not.

Reality is what we see with our eyes. But sometimes what we see or feel does is not fact or reality. Like that back ache I had. It could have ruined my whole day. If I had chosen to think about all the bad things that could have happened it would have. Instead I looked at it just as it was. By taking away all the other thoughts I changed my day for the better.

I don't want to become a Buddhist by the way. All I do want is to do is find tools to help me cope with my life. This blog is a way of sharing my search , my successes and my failures too. It also helps me to keep focused on my goal and to reinforce the things that I am learning.

Life

Most people work very hard to feel like their life has a purpose. Some are famous for their achievements others are not. Belonging and being needed is not just a common desire. It also gives people hope and makes them feel good too.


Daily life doesn't always come with that good feeling of having accomplished something. For example, Before indoor plumbing people had to haul water in buckets many times each day. Heavy buckets over and over . Back breaking work and nothing to show for it at the end.


45 years I have spent on this same patch of earth. Living day in and day out with little or nothing to show at the end of the day. My world stops at the end of the driveway, past there is a world that I fear. As a child I wanted to have friends and do things. I was not even allowed to play with the little girl across the street. I begged and cried, but Mom always said "NO".


In a way my days are spent hauling water in a little bucket. However my bucket is very leaky. Full of holes , to be exact. Every time I trust someone and they let me down another hole appears. Each time I try to do something and fail does the same. Will this ever change ? I used to hope and dream that one day it would. Now that seems highly unlikely.


This I fear is "As good as it gets" . The luck of the draw, role of the dice, or something like that. It's past time to accept that fact and stop living in a fantasy world. It is what it is.

Happiness

I found myself thinking of the hymn below the other day. It is one that I have always loved. The words reach into my heart and fill it with peace and hope. I can almost hear the sound of the congregations voices singing all as one.

The time to be happy is now, the place to be happy is here, & the way to be happy is to make others happy & we'll have a little Heaven down here. unknown

When I came across this quote by the Dalai Lama it made me realize the similarities in what he is teaching and that hymn that I was taught as a child. Back then everything seemed so simple. My church was right the rest were wrong. "I don't care what you believe, Just believe it" is my personal philosophy. As long as you are not causing harm to yourself or others that is. Believing in a higher power by any name we use is a comfort to us all in good times as well as bad. The Dalai Lama had this to say on the subject. His words for me say it all.

"Human beings by nature want
happiness and do not want suffering

everyone tries to achieve happiness and tries to get rid of suffering, and everyone has the basic right to do this. In this way, all here are the same, whether rich or poor, educated or uneducated, Easterner or Westerner, believer or non-believer, and within believers whether Buddhist, Christian, Jewish, Muslim, and so on.Basically, from the viewpoint of real human value we are all the same." HHDL

.

Grind

Who am I ?

I am a stranger even to myself. This person is too full of anger and hate to be me.
Who is this stranger with my face ?
Is the real me just lost or is she dead ?

Hate is not a word I use lightly. For the people I am about to describe is it the only word I can use. One is a woman who faked her own death. She then sent nasty messages to one of her grieving "friends'. Another woman made up a bunch of lies and told them to one of her "friends". Then she posted a public apology to get sympathy for herself. I have no sympathy for either of them. No one made them do what they did. They chose to do so, getting caught was their only mistake.

Everyday we are faced with decisions that have the potential for good or bad. The path not taken may be one more regret to add to the burden of regrets we all bear. No matter how hard we try we all make mistakes it is a part of life.

I have a choice to make right now. In order to survive around people such as those described I can do one of three things. Those are; Fighting them , joining them. Or I can simply walk away and let them destroy each other. I don't want to join them. Fighting with liars and cheats is for fools, which I am not one of. So the logical thing is the last option. This is a favorite quote of mine. The idea of a patient God dealing out justice makes life more bearable to me.

Though the mills of God grind slowly,

yet they grind exceeding small; Though with patience he stands waiting, with exactness grinds he all.

God help those with evil intent, for I cannot. Nor can I abide to be in their presence. It is not my place to punish them. I will not pretend to be their judge and jury. Neither will I stand silent and watch them destroy their victims.