Victory

Last night I saw myself. Not in a mirror or in a photograph, in a book. There is a reference to parental attachment in there that describes me perfectly.

The term they use is "Destructive Compassion" The definition is: Parents who control their children and do not allow them autonomy."

Parent child attachment goes hand in hand with this. According to the book as small children we all belong to our parents. I agree with that at that time we could not survive on our own.

As we grow up that need grows less and so we do not belong to them anymore. We still need our parents very much . but we can and should have our own lives, and make our own decisions. If all goes well that happens quite naturally.

It is not easy for parents to let go of possession of their children. Especially as the book mentions if they do things to put themselves in danger or make decisions that are unwise. If parents are over attached, possessive and controlling this is called "Destructive Compassion"

For myself this has impacted on my life in many ways. Grade school was a nightmare, since I had always been around adults I had no social skills. Junior high was the same way. I was never allowed to trick or treat like other kids. High School I was an outsider by choice. I was tired of asking and hearing "no". I kept to myself , no friends, never dated. No expectations , no disappointments.

I was 22 when I got my first kiss. My curfew was 11:00 pm. Yet I managed to lose my virginity and get pregnant anyway. Despite that my life still changed very little. I did get married to my sons father, We were very immature and divorced in less than a year. I Moved back home with my son and here I am 21 years later.

Can I survive on my own ? I doubt it , but my parents won't live forever. Eventually I will have to leave here. My Social Security check won't pay the rent. I really don't want to live with my son, but that may be the only choice.

Before I read those words in that book I felt like I was the only one this ever happened to. I felt like a total freak. Now I am relieved to see that it is not as bizarre as I thought it was. This to me is a great relief.

Knowing that others have and are facing the same problems as me means that there may be a solution out there. This gives me hope that one day I will find it and be able to help myself. That for me would be a tremendous victory.