A Worthwhile Goal...

I don't like myself or the way I act at times. My emotions overwhelm me and it feels like I am totally out of control. At those times I do and say and do things that make me ashamed. My self hatred and poor self esteem make me a possessive , jealous bitchy woman as well.

My goal is to learn ways to prevent or at least make those times shorter and less severe. I think that if I can do that I will feel more confident, and better about myself. Till that is resolved I am much better off alone. All my energy has to be devoted to that or I will never succeed.

Already I am beginning to feel different about my place in my family and in the world. It is just a tiny beginning, but I feel like I am on the right path. You may have noticed all the mentions of the Dalai Lama. I came across his name quite a bit in my research. I figured all the things I read were from his teachings anyway. So, why not skip the middle man and go to the source.

I am amazed by this mans words. He is not a stuffy boring person at all. Also he is not out to convert anyone to his religion. He is very well learned, yet can be very mischievous even during the most solemn or occasions. He enjoys life to the fullest which is evidenced in his wonderful laugh. I cannot describe it with words. All I can say is that it is truly amazing to hear.

The first quote that made me want too read more was. "We all want to be happy , No one wants to suffer" I am not trying to become a Buddhist. I just want to find a way to take control of my life. I think that if I can push away all the crap that other people have piled on me that I will be able to find myself and then my life will take a turn for the better.

The world and the people in it hold no peace for me. No matter how hard I try or where I look I will never find anything but drama and turmoil. Life is messy at times, that is just a fact.

My happiness now and in the future depends on me. Only if I forgive myself for my past mistakes and failures can I allow myself to be happy. Then maybe If I do meet someone I will not sabotage it with my behavior. If I don't meet someone I will still benefit by being happier and at peace. It is a win-win situation and well worth the effort to reach my goal.