Perfection

I am going to stop blogging for a while. The reason is I don't like what I have been writing lately. It's all nasty and bitter and filled with nothing but negative things.

Instead I am going to workout on my new Elliptical. I am going to stop thinking about right and wrong, fair and unfair and just sweat.

All this garbage that I have been writing about and torturing myself with is killing me. At the rate I am going I will end up a bitter old bitch. That would suck and more importantly be a terrible thing to do to my son.

My elliptical is scheduled for delivery on Feb. 2nd. Some of my friends on Lose It have them. One of them calls his the "torture device" That sounds great to me, because if I am focused on torturing my body then my brain will shut the hell up.

I don't want to think for a long time. I don't want to feel either. All I want is to wear myself out so that I don't have the energy to do anything but what is entirely necessary. I want to be so tired that I don't even have the energy to dream. That would be..... Perfection

Rip It Off

Can you miss what you never had ?

I do. Actually what I miss is what I thought and dreamed could be. I think they call that a fantasy or a dream or something like that. Wait, I remember it's called a "pipe dream.

Whatever you call it the loss of it does leave an open wound. The kind that will leave a scar no matter what you do. Reality is a cold hard place to land when that dream ends.

It's not something we plan to do to ourselves it's just one of the nastier parts of life. Like ripping off a band aid it hurts, but is best done quickly. Dragging it out only makes the pain last longer.

Yes, you can miss what you never had, just as if it really, truly did happen. Because every time you dreamed of what you wanted. In your heart it became as real as anything could ever be.

Let It Go ...

I have a hard time letting go of the disappointments and failures in my life. No matter how hard I try I always do the same thing. It doesn't solve anything or help me learn to cope. It's penance in a way. My way of punishing myself for not being good enough to have the things I dream of.

This is what happens as best as I can describe it in words. You will have to fill in the emotional part yourself. I can't put that here because if I try I will crash again and I can't let that happen.

First I withdraw from whatever it is. Tell myself that all the thoughts and feeling racing through my head don't matter. Nothing matters and I don't matter either. I cry and ask for the pain to end and wish that I was never born or that I could cease to exist. Then I get angry and strike out at the world in general. Next , I start trying to figure out who is to blame. First I blame the other person and want to hurt them like I am hurting. Then I decide that it's really all my fault because Of the way I am. That other person was right to leave me because no one in their right mind would want to deal with a messed up person like me. Hell, I don't like being with me either. That leads to self pity and hatred. After that I mourn until one day I wake up and go back to the drudgery of my daily life. I put myself on automatic pilot and turn off my brain.
I pretend that all is well and that I am fine with things just as they are. That is until I get caught up in that lie and try to find someone to be with again. Then it all starts over once more.

As 50 creeps closer and closer and I can see the wrinkles around my eyes more and more. I realize that I am no longer a girl and it's time to let go of my girlish dreams of Mr. Right.

The men my age are generally losers and impotent. So it is ridiculous to keep thinking that I will find my knight in shining armor. He simply doesn't exist. The men I have dated may not have had the same problems I have , but they are all as screwed up as I am , just in different ways.

So instead of wasting my time, energy and emotions on that it is time to channel them elsewhere. My son needs me, he is having a hard time right now and is lonely just like me.
(Although if there is a God, he isn't just like me in other ways) Also, I have issues with my Mother that need to be resolved. My Dad needs me too, I am the only one that takes time to talk to him. I tell him I love him and he responds to my teasing him (in a loving way) I feed him dinner at night and I enjoy talking about good memories from the past as he eats his food.

My life is not out of a Harlequin Romance. Odds are some women on this planet do have that life. I am not one of them and it's time to admit that to myself and let that fantasy go.

I have spent too much time on regrets about the things that are beyond my grasp. Now I have to work on taking care of the things that I do have. Those are the things that I have been neglecting while I was chasing rainbows. So many years that I wasted on foolishness.

Fixing those things will take time and effort. My old way of thinking will pop up and try to distract me. It will never be simple or easy to do either. Still it is what I must do.

Let go...Let go....Let go....Let go. That will be my mantra when I start to think too much about past failures and disappointments. I must look to the future and I must do it ASAP.

OK

Sometimes it's ok to admit to yourself that your life is not the way you had imagined it would be.
Sometimes you have to accept that even if you want something badly, it will never happen.
Sometimes you have to let go of people and things in order to move on with your life.
Sometimes things happen to you that you will never understand no matter how long you live.

Today I said goodbye to a man I had a very confusing friendship with. It wasn't easy and I wish I didn't have to do that. I care for him in a way I can't explain, because I don't really understand it myself. Too many times he has disappeared from my life. Too often have I needed to talk to him and not been able to call him because of reasons that are not relevant to this blog.

I have realized something about myself that I should have known long ago. People and relationships make me miserable. I can't take all the emotional upheaval that comes with interacting with others. The people like me are called "loners". I like to talk with people , but only on a casual level. I don't feel sad or pity myself because of this. It's not something I would have chosen for myself, but I can live with it. For companionship and affection I have my little rescue dog "Lilac" she accepts me just as I am good days, bad days and all the rest.

My life may not be glamorous and I will never be rich, famous or beautiful. The one thing I can have is self acceptance. No , I am not like everyone else. Actually I am really glad about that. Because I would rather see the world through my eyes and live my life according to my conscience than pretend to agree with the crowd. I am not a blind follower, I am a person with a mind and a heart. No one else is like me.... and that is what makes me able to walk alone.

Even you ...

Maybe being alone and isolated is a blessing and not a curse. Maybe not having friends or being in a relationship is the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

This way I don't ever have to say "goodbye" What I think or how miserable I am is n0t important. Drones and drudges don't have pain and their thoughts are useless. There is no need for them to waste their breath on useless words or their thoughts on how they feel. Because no one is listening or gives a damn, and that will never, ever change.

I think I am going to quit "Lose It" . I am a good at quitting, so it's no big deal. I don't care about how I look anyway. Crazy people are ugly inside so what does it matter how big my ass is. or what I weigh. I think I may already be dead. That my life is some level of Hell for me to suffer through. Not only that, but there are millions of other levels after this one is done with me.

That's what is in my head... I don't care it anyone is offended by my words. It's not like what I say matters anyway. You have your mind made up about me anyway, because you know it all.

I used to think some of the same things about people like me. They scared me and I pretended to not see them, even when they were right in front of my eyes. Now here I am riding the crazy train to Looneyville. Turn your backs on me. Tell yourself I am faking or it's the drugs making me this way. Pretend that you are too good to ever be like me and I am weak or faking.

Sometimes the monster in the closet is real. He got me ,and is he would love to get you too.
No one is perfect or invincible not even you. Bad things happen in the blink of an eye after all. So don't ever blink again and you will be fine. If you do blink even once he will get you !

But then again, if this is a level of Hell it's too late for all that. You are already as lost and useless and insignificant as I am . So you can hear me say this one final word "Goodbye"

Forgiveness

I feel lost, trapped in limbo. This last medication change seems to have made me worse. The thing is I don't care about how crappy feel. All I want to do is get in my bed and turn off the lights.

I want to and I can are not the same thing at all. So in between the panic and the need to quit I force myself to cope. Sometimes I can make my mind blank and coast. Other times I get incredibly pissed and strike out at anyone nearby. It's not pretty and I hate when it happens, but I can't seem to stop myself. It's like I am watching someone else spewing hate and rage like venom.

I don't know what to do. I wish I was strong and wise enough to fix myself. Right now I can't remember anything or sometimes even get my words out. I don't know this stranger behind my eyes and I sure don't like her. I forgive all the men have dated who dumped me and the friends that no longer call. No one should have to deal with me.... I wish I didn't have to either.

Is there anyone out there ?

Can anyone see me standing here alone ? Can anyone hear my cries for help ? Maybe they do , but have all turned their back and closed off their ears ? I wish I could do that, but I can't.

My mind won't let me dismiss others like they do me. I can't walk away from someone in pain just because it would be easier than getting involved. Is it fair that no one does that for me ? Let me answer that question with a question ? How often is anything in life fair ?

Since no one is rushing to my side, there is only 2 other choices. The first is to give up. Just curl up in bed and refuse to budge. I could get some sleeping pills or something to knock me out . I have done this before. Not only did I escape the pain, I also lost weight. Win-Win situation.

The other choice is to stop thinking about being rescued by that damn white knight who is incredibly overdue and to decide to live my life by my rules and learn to be happy alone.

So, I have decided to study Buddhism. It is my hope that it will help me find peace. I don't expect a miracle or anything . Mostly what I want to do is learn how to cope with stress and anxiety better. Also I hope to be able to create for myself a happier and peaceful life.

So this is my plan. It will take time and more study than I can even imagine. That doesn't scare me at all. In fact it sounds really, really good. *** EVER FORWARD ***

People who need people...

People--people who need people
Are the stupidest people in the world,

There is nothing lucky about needing people. They let you down, exploit your weaknesses and use them against you. Mostly though in your darkest hour they leave you lying in a heap , turn their backs and walk away. So there you are hurting from your troubles and betrayed by your friend.

Does this sound like I am bitter ? Well it should, because I am. Right now as I type this I cannot think of one thing in my life that I can look forward to. I wish I could be like a robot and shut off all my emotions . If my mind would just go numb. Maybe then I would find the peace I crave.

In school I was an outsider, now I am a loner. A "Loony Loner", that is the perfect description. Here I am stuck on this ride to nowhere called "Life" I just want one thing before this wretched ride ends. That is to see my son settled and happy. After that nothing else matters.

No Heaven and No Hell and no God

I don't believe in God anymore. I don't think there is a Heaven and I already live in Hell.

When I die (the sooner the better) I just want to disappear and feel nothing at all.

My son is the only reason I am still alive. I wish I could end my misery without hurting him.

I don't want to kill myself, but I am exhausted. Make the pain stop ! Please ! Just make it stop !

What did I ever do to deserve having to exist with my brain all tangled and jumbled ?

If I am wrong and there is a God , he is cruel because he made me the way I am today.

"Ain't that a kick in the head"

I have said it before "everyone wants something from you" From the moment you meet whether you are a lawyer or a hair dresser, people are thinking of what you can do for them.

The only thing you have control of is whether what they can give you is worth what they want in return. Friendship, Sex, marriage or just services or goods. One way of another this whole thing will cost you whether it is money or your dignity.

Money is much easier to replace than dignity. Pride goes before a fall, but the loss of dignity leaves a mark that no one else can see, but is painful nonetheless, and will not ever stop.

How low must a person be before their dignity and pride lose all meaning and value. The answer to that is up to each and every one of us. For myself I admit that I have sold myself short more times than I care to remember. My excuse for the most part is Loneliness. My need for affection and companionship is overwhelming sometimes and has extremely impaired my judgment.

The book "A Tale of two cities" says "It was the best of times, It was the worst of times"
My life, and I would imagine many other peoples lives could be described with those words.

Even the experiences in our lives that end in heartbreak contain some measure of pleasure and happiness. The word "Bittersweet" comes to mind. To me that is a reminder that despite the bitterness of the ending, the beginning was sweet and wonderful. Is the sweet worth the inevitable bitter ? Again, only each of us can say if that is the case or not.

The point of this rambling mess of a blog is hard for even me to figure out.

My best guess would be that the fact that all my so called friends have turned their backs on me. I refuse to beg for their attentions this time like I have in the past.

Should I try to find new friends ? I am leaning towards "No". It seems like it is hardly worth the effort. "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results"

Albert Einstein said that. He and I were both born on March 14 btw. Those words really do describe my life. I keep trying to do the same thing and getting kicked in the head.

So I am working on shutting myself off from thoughts of relationships of any kind. It's simply not worth the price that is asked of me. Especially since I always end up alone in the end.

I quit !!!

I want to quit.....Quit being trapped in this house, quit feeling mentally and emotionally exhausted and most of all quit having to survive in this family who treat me like a negro slave.

I have this picture in my head of my sorrow and pain flowing from my cut wrist like red satin ribbons. All that pain just easing from my body replaced by peace and rest which I badly need.

I do not want to cut my wrist, I would never do that to my son. It's just my minds way of solving a problem that can't be solved. Quitting is not an option. I can't run nor hide from my life.

I just wish I could escape for a day or even a few hours. That would be a dream come true.

Help !!!

I never needed help more than I do right now. The problem is I have no one to go to for what I need. So it's up to me to figure out how to survive just the way things are and not fall apart.

I live with my Mom and Dad and I am the youngest. Those 2 things are what is being used against me. Every move I make every breath I take is watched by all the rest of the family.

They can go home and leave this behind. I don't have that luxury because I am here 24/7. If they don't feel well they don't come over. If I don't feel well I am expected to just ignore it.

It's hard enough to deal with my own health problems and pitch in to help with Mom and Dad. Most of the time I can deal pretty good with that. Except when I need help and they all act like I am faking and turn their backs on me. I hate this family when that happens. I am so tired of their double standards. I don't give a shit if I am the youngest. Facts are facts and my Doctors can verify that I have health problems. No one deserves to be treated like I am by them.
My nerves are about to snap and if it weren't for Lilac they would have done so by now.

There is no solution for this that I can see. It will come to a head soon, I can feel the pressure building and the explosion will not be pleasant. I know that I will be called every nasty name they can think of and accused of all sorts of sins against my Mom. She will not say anything because she needs the others too much to risk alienating them.

It's easier for her to sacrifice me than to speak up against them. That has happened so many times before that it is easy to predict. There is no defense against them, you can't reason with people who can not compromise on anything. It's not because they are right. It is because the hold the high card, the threat of not helping with Dad and sending him to a nursing home.

My head hurts

Everyone is expecting something of me. Mom, Dad, even Lilac. I haven't been out of this house for months except to grocery shop or go to the Doctor. My head feels like it is gonna explode.

I don't even have a chance to form one thought for myself between doing the things that are expected of me. Working out is the only escape I have. The freaking phone is driving me up the wall. I want to turn them all off, but then if my son needed me he could not get through.

I need to be alone sometimes to get my thoughts straight, but lately that hasn't been happening too often. It seems like I am being pulled in all directions and being told by too many people what to do. I wish I could just run away for a couple days and clear my head.

There is nothing I can do about it... "it is what it is"

Lose It

I have tried to lose weight many times before. So, why does this time feel so different ?
The main reason is my motivation. In the past I thought that if I lost the weight that other people would like me better . Instant happiness in a smaller size jeans. (NOT)

Those other people (whoever the heck they are) don't mean a thing to me this time. Trying to please them is the last thing on my mind. Most of them aren't worth the effort anyway.
The more I observe the way people treat each other the better I like myself. I don't claim to be perfect. In fact I don't want to be perfect. My goal for each day is to be myself, faults and all.

Every morning I face a new day, and the same old decision. Will I chose my food wisely and be active, or stuff my face and sit around on my butt. Most days that choice is a no brainer.
Other days it is a real challenge to even get out of bed much less exercise.

That's when my Lose It friends come into the picture. It is very motivational to see other people who are fighting with the same struggle as I am. This blog is dedicated to all those incredible folks that help keep me on my feet and off my butt. Thank you all !!!

A useless Blog

My counselor has recommended that I delete one of my friends on Lose It. He says that this person is toxic to me. Toxic seems harsh to me. However I do see what he is getting at.

I joined because this person was so enthusiastic about that site. The site is great, but I am disappointed all the same. I have some very supportive friends on there but the one I want to hear from most, has never posted one single word on my profile.

I expected some encouragement from him once in a while. Maybe even a great job ! None of that happened. I told myself he was too busy to do that stuff. He doesn't seem to talk to anyone on there. I would try not to think about it, but would find myself looking at his profile as if I could figure things out that way. It just left me more confused and feeling a bit pathetic too.

I thought about deleting him even before Niels suggested it. This man often wanders out of my life for long periods of time. He is a good man , he just tends to make promises without thinking things through. I accept that about him even though it hurts me sometimes.

I don't know what to do. Asking him to be more supportive of me feels selfish. He is going through a lot of bad things in his life right now. Deleting him would make me sad and I feel guilty every time I even consider it.

This is why I am most comfortable in my bedroom with Lilac and my laptop. People confuse me, I can give and give without any problem. That's easy for me and I am afraid it is also the reason that I have been used by guys from dating sites. I pretty much asked them to treat me badly.

Expecting other people to do something stresses me out. Like this situation that I find myself trapped in right now. What is it reasonable to expect from him ? Should I ask him for it or wait for him to offer it ? I don't know what to do ! Usually blogging helps, but not this time.

Happy and Sad

Happy that I am doing well. Sad that I feel so alone. My lose it friends are great, but they don't really know me. It's hard to make friends when you can't leave the house.

Feeling sorry for myself isn't helping either. Still it's better to let it out than hold it bottled up inside me . I hate feeling like this ! Oh well, Nobody ever said life would be easy ...