Let It Go ...

I have a hard time letting go of the disappointments and failures in my life. No matter how hard I try I always do the same thing. It doesn't solve anything or help me learn to cope. It's penance in a way. My way of punishing myself for not being good enough to have the things I dream of.

This is what happens as best as I can describe it in words. You will have to fill in the emotional part yourself. I can't put that here because if I try I will crash again and I can't let that happen.

First I withdraw from whatever it is. Tell myself that all the thoughts and feeling racing through my head don't matter. Nothing matters and I don't matter either. I cry and ask for the pain to end and wish that I was never born or that I could cease to exist. Then I get angry and strike out at the world in general. Next , I start trying to figure out who is to blame. First I blame the other person and want to hurt them like I am hurting. Then I decide that it's really all my fault because Of the way I am. That other person was right to leave me because no one in their right mind would want to deal with a messed up person like me. Hell, I don't like being with me either. That leads to self pity and hatred. After that I mourn until one day I wake up and go back to the drudgery of my daily life. I put myself on automatic pilot and turn off my brain.
I pretend that all is well and that I am fine with things just as they are. That is until I get caught up in that lie and try to find someone to be with again. Then it all starts over once more.

As 50 creeps closer and closer and I can see the wrinkles around my eyes more and more. I realize that I am no longer a girl and it's time to let go of my girlish dreams of Mr. Right.

The men my age are generally losers and impotent. So it is ridiculous to keep thinking that I will find my knight in shining armor. He simply doesn't exist. The men I have dated may not have had the same problems I have , but they are all as screwed up as I am , just in different ways.

So instead of wasting my time, energy and emotions on that it is time to channel them elsewhere. My son needs me, he is having a hard time right now and is lonely just like me.
(Although if there is a God, he isn't just like me in other ways) Also, I have issues with my Mother that need to be resolved. My Dad needs me too, I am the only one that takes time to talk to him. I tell him I love him and he responds to my teasing him (in a loving way) I feed him dinner at night and I enjoy talking about good memories from the past as he eats his food.

My life is not out of a Harlequin Romance. Odds are some women on this planet do have that life. I am not one of them and it's time to admit that to myself and let that fantasy go.

I have spent too much time on regrets about the things that are beyond my grasp. Now I have to work on taking care of the things that I do have. Those are the things that I have been neglecting while I was chasing rainbows. So many years that I wasted on foolishness.

Fixing those things will take time and effort. My old way of thinking will pop up and try to distract me. It will never be simple or easy to do either. Still it is what I must do.

Let go...Let go....Let go....Let go. That will be my mantra when I start to think too much about past failures and disappointments. I must look to the future and I must do it ASAP.