Bulldozer

I always thought that age played a big role in how smart or strong people are. Now I know that that is totally wrong.

All this time I have been looking for the person who could answer all my questions and take care of me. The men I dated and my friends all let me down.

My family did too which was especially heart breaking. Family is supposed to love you no matter what. Mine is like an armed camp or a really bad Soap opera.

Every time things went wrong I blamed myself. I told myself I was not good enough and that I deserved to be along and miserable. Hiding in my room and crying was a full time job.

A few days ago I suddenly realized something about the way my family works. My oldest sister has always seemed to be the strong one among us. Boy, was I ever wrong about that !

Actually she isn't the strong at all. She is actually insecure and shy. Out of the 4 of us, I am the one who seems to be the strongest. When it comes to my loved ones and people I care about I am a cross between a Pit Bull and a Bull Dozer. Some things I can't handle at all, but when push comes to shove, I am one stubborn little bitch. I will do whatever it takes every time !

Pride be damned; Don't get in my way, because you will be sorry ! That is the quality that makes me the strongest among us. In their eyes I'm the "Baby" but this baby bites !

Fear

Today I am supposed to see my Rheumatologist. I want to see him, I need to see him. The question is can I make myself drive there ?

He moved his office and I am not sure where it is now. It's only 12 miles away from the old office. For most people that would not be a big deal. For me it is, I am scared to try to find it.

I don't like driving even just up to the grocery store. Even on a nice day it is very stressful for me to go to someplace new. It snowed last night and there is a storm warning too.

Fear and common sense are having a battle in my mind. Fear is winning - Despite the pain I have been having in my left knee I don't think I can drive today... Fear wins every time.

The Lesson

If you give a little kid a cracker they will smash it. Your happiness is like that poor cracker. If you don't hold onto it some careless jerk will smash it to bits in the blink of an eye.

45 years is all it took me to learn that painful lesson. The truth was in front of my face all the time but I refused to see it. Now it is all that I can see. Life's a bitch like that sometimes.

So starting today I have a new philosophy. I don't give a shit if anyone likes me or not. The only one I can count on is me anyway. Why bother with what others think or say about me ?

Me -you = Happiness and less bull shit.... *** expletive deleted ***

Blessings

When I am worried, and cannot sleep I count my blessings , instead of sheep and I fall asleep counting my blessings

I hardly ever think about my blessings when I am worried. Even though that's the time I need to do that the most. Sometimes I need to be reminded of the things that really matter.

This song by Bing Crosby is a gentle reminder of something I forget way too often. Which is that I need to take the time to "count my blessings" no matter what is going on in my life.

In this season and during the coming year, I plan to spend more time counting my blessings

Challenges and Victory

I woke up feeling rundown today. If I lived alone my day would have been spent hiding under the covers. That's not an option but it sure sounds like a nice idea.

I tried to figure out what was wrong with me. All that did was make my head hurt.

Then I had an idea. There is only one way for me to feel better. That is to think of every day as a challenge. Then to think or every day I try as a personal victory.

Trying leads to doing ....So I am gonna ...TRY !!!

Sad and Lonely

Today I feel sad. The walls are closing in on me. My day revolves around turning Dad, waking Mom up from her naps, and taking care of Lilac . Basically I am a 24/7 servant to them.

I am a prisoner even if the doors are not locked. I do have a van and could go out once in a while. The desire is there, but the energy is not. Plus, I have nowhere to go.

I watched a documentary today about "Solitary Confinement" In the faces of those prisoners I saw myself. Their frustrations and anger and loneliness are things that I feel too.The only difference is no guards or bars surround me, obligation is my prison cell.

I am tired today. Each breath is an effort and I am on the verge of crying. Fighting loneliness and sadness is a daily fight for me. Winning seems pretty much impossible today.

" I will be .... ME ! "

Today for the first time I saw the good in myself . I felt my tension melt away as I looked at this new me reflected in the mirror. I leaned closer and examine just who I had become. Leaning closer I looked into kind brown eyes. That thought made a soft smile appear.

Then I asked myself a question whose answer had haunted me for so long. Who do I want to be ? "I WILL BE ... ME ! " said my heart. Thinking a moment I nodded and smiled once more.


As I looked at my smiling face I nodded and said aloud, "I WILL BE ...ME ! " Hearing the words made them more real. A sense of rightness settled over me like a warm blanket. Today I gave myself the gift of my own approval.... and it feels great !

In a panic

A few minutes ago I was having trouble remembering to breath. My heart felt like there was a hand wrapped around it just a little bit too tight. Ready to crush it just because it could. As if all that wasn't enough, my body ached to be held just until I could breath again.

In the past I would have cried, taken a Xanax and then raided the fridge. Crying gives me a headache so I decided to skip that. I was too lazy to get a Xanax, so that was out too. The fridge was the biggest temptation. A ham sandwich would taste good , but so would an apple.

I ended up eating an apple. Then I cuddled with Lilac and I was finally able to calm myself down. Being held would have felt a lot better but holding her was a close second.

Panic attacks are manageable. Even though often it doesn't feel that way. In reality they only have as much power over your life as you give them. This attack was not as long or as severe as some have been in the past. I made it through without tears, meds or ham. I feel good about that. I still really want to be held tight, that is something I will never get my fill of.

Victory in part, but not in whole....
Yet, I can still say **EVER FORWARD**

Stinkin Thinkin

A few years back I was lucky enough to meet a woman named Monica. She was my leader at Weight Watchers. Her energy level was through the roof. Her dedication and optimism were contagious. When I walked out of those meetings I felt like I could conquer the world.

Here are 3 things I learned from her that I will never forget as long as I live.

"Stinkin thinkin" are thoughts of quitting or failing. They can cause overeating too.

"You Bite It, You Write it" is just what it says. If you eat it you have to record it. Even on days when you eat too much. This helps us to see and change any bad habits we have.

" BLT's" Are bites, licks and tastes. These are the forgotten calories. They sneak up on us when we are not paying attention. They add up quickly if you aren't careful to avoid them.

Those meetings helped me to lose 25 lbs at the time. Even though Monica has moved on I still have the things she taught me. I will never forget them or her as long as I live.

** Ever Forward **

Blank Canvas

All of us share one common trait. We all have a past. That is what has made us into the people we are today. The triumphs and the tragedies have all taught us important lessons.

Dwelling on the past is a very self destructive habit of mine. Usually we can't even understand or remember what happened way back then. Making ourselves miserable is all we get.

George Bernard Shaw once said "Life is not about finding yourself, It's about creating yourself" To me that means happiness is mine if I focus on the present instead of the past.

I'm not the same as I was back then. Life has taught me many things I didn't know at that time. There is one thing about me that is still the same . I was and will always be kind.

Accepting my past will not be easy to do. My memories sneak into my thoughts when I least expect them to. They pull me down and make it very hard to function sometimes.

Every morning when I get out of bed the new day is a blank canvas. By being mindful and having a positive attitude I can make the most of every single moment.

Taking that first step in the morning is a challenge sometimes. Right now I am doing fairly well at doing that. Some days are much harder than others. Lilac is a big help at those times.

Well enough of this. Off I go to make my words a reality...
** EVER FORWARD **

"Don't put the cart before the horse"

Every time I go on a diet, I try to imagine myself after I lose some weight. Then I get anxious , scared and frustrated. My head fills with self-doubt ,then I quit and eat like a pig.

What scares me the most is this; even if I reach my goal I will still be alone. I know this makes no sense at all. Still it's my head and my brain doing the thinking. So hush up and read why.

The first version is I look great and meet a nice guy. We want to live together and can't. The reason is I have to take care of my parents. We drift apart and I end up sad and alone.

Second scenario I lose the weight and look better. I go on a few dates, but my mental illness scares them all off. I give up ,and since I hate real cats I collect stuffed ones. I name them and have lively conversations with them, and my invisible friend George who smokes a pipe.

The second one is mostly a joke, but it would be easier than the first. Moving out of my parents house is gonna be hard enough without feeling like I am deserting them. Choosing my own happiness over my obligations to them would rip me apart. It is a no win situation.

I am afraid, pure and simple. My struggle is to not put the " the cart before the horse". If I think too hard about the future I will fail. My self doubts will cause me to sabotage my efforts to reach my goal. At age 45 I don't have lots of time to make these changes. So I have to be brave and face my fears. This time Around is for me. Not for may or may not happen if I succeed.

Plus, I have finally realized that no two people will ever have the same exact opinion of me. Nor does it matter, like the song says "You can't please everyone. So you got to please yourself".

I am pleased with the changes I have already made. Even if the scale hasn't changed much , the way I feel physically and mentally has. That for now is plenty good enough for me.

Speaking up to Mommy Dearest

This morning I did something that I am proud of. I felt really good when I woke up this morning. I woke up before the alarm went off and hit the floor running.

After I walked and fed Lilac I made my breakfast shake. When I finished that I did 25 minutes on the Total gym including 3 sets of 10 Leg pulls. Those are intense and I freaking love the fact that I can do them. Woo Hoo !!!

Next I grabbed the Vacuum cleaner and started in on the mud room and kitchen. My Mother of course had to make a comment about what I was doing. In response I replied that I am 46 years old and fully capable of vacuuming the floor without her telling me how.

Later I explained to her that I had to vacuum when I felt motivated to do so. In addition I told her that once I get an idea in my head it's stuck there. Until it is done, I will have no peace. OCD is what they call it. It's not a problem as long as I can use it to accomplish a useful purpose.

Then I told her that I had an idea that would help us to not snap at each other all the time. I told her if she felt the need to comment on what I am doing to make it something positive. That way she gets to talk and I don't get pissed off.

Whether it works or not is yet to be seen. For now I am proud that I reacted calmly.
My usual reaction is to get upset and then feel guilty for snapping at her. This time I was able to see both sides of the situation and react calmly. Calm is something I could easily get used to.

Another Step to climb

I bought a new scale yesterday. This morning I decided to see how it compared to the old one. So I got them both out and conducted a little experiment.

I tried the old one on a flat surface. It read 202. Then I put it on the carpet and it read 202. The new one read 204.4 on the flat surface and 201 on the carpet.

Which one is right ? I don't know and have no way of finding out. I could record the lowest number. The old scale was consistent, so I could use that number. The new scale is much fancier so maybe it's right. One last option is to add the numbers and divide by 3 to get the average.

What to do ? Which one should I believe ? Ultimately ,whatever I decide there is no wrong or right answer.Life is just like that too. We all have options and choices to make every day. Sometimes we can't see them, but they are always there.

The problem is whatever we do someone is going to say they could have done it better . That is why I hate the word "should" That word means criticism to me. It says I am a failure and inadequate . Failure because it makes me think that the other person could have done it better. Inadequate is the idea that anyone else could have done it right and I messed it up.

"Right or Wrong". "Good or Bad" , Black or White" On paper those concepts work. In everyday life they never work. I struggle with that fact all the time.

"Luck is believing you are lucky , and having just a little bit of faith" Believing something won't make it so. Doubting every thing you do, will make it seem so. Those scales are not alive, they don't care what number they show. I am alive and I do care , oftentimes too much.

I need to change my way of thinking about my self worth. The things I do count. The things I do are useful. I am a grown woman capable of doing what needs to be done in my daily life.

Another step to climb. One more misconception to change.
**Ever Forward **

Often imitated, Never duplicated

"Often imitated, Never duplicated, the one and only me !!! "

There is something different about me lately. My self confidence is growing stronger each day. That is a huge thing for me. It is something that I find incredibly liberating.

Recently the realization hit me that I am my own worst critic. My way of treating others was the exact opposite of how I treat myself. Other people could have flaws and make mistakes and I was supportive of them. That same attitude did not apply to me I could not and would not forgive nor support myself when I did not live up to my own expectations.

Never once have I claimed or desired to be "perfect" Yet I hated myself for being imperfect. Now things are changing, I find myself celebrating my imperfections. Feeling good that I am not like any other woman that you will ever meet. It takes no effort, intelligence or inventiveness to follow blindly in the footsteps of another. Yow will get to your destination, but not gain anything from the journey. For myself I prefer to blaze a trail and see where it takes me.

LIfe is a process...

Without grapes you cannot make wine. Without grape vines you cannot grow grapes. without sunshine, rain and rich soil you cannot grow grape vines. Without patience , skill and the knowledge to tend the vines you can have all the rest and still not grow any grapes.

The work has just begun when the grapes are harvested. Next they must be crushed and yeast is added to begin the fermentation process. There is still a lot of things to be done before that grape juice can be called wine. Making wine is a science as well as an art. It can't be rushed and not just anyone has the ability to do it the right way.

Despite all the work, love and care, and skill that goes into each bottle not all wine is drinkable. Some is just no good. There is nothing to be done about that but to dump it out and start over.

Life is a process too a complicated combination of events and circumstances. Some of those things happen because of conscious decisions we make. Other things are complete surprises that we have to cope with the best we can, We all have personal struggles and demons to fight.

Just like that wine, we have to ferment (learn) in order to become the best person we can be. That requires hard work, skill and patience. Even then we don't always get what we want.

In this day and age of instant gratification patience is hard to come by. It is a huge struggle for me when it comes to dating and weight loss. I know that there are no magical solutions for those things. Most of the time its easy for me to accept that fact. Other times I can't cope at all.

Last night was one of those times when I panicked. I had a bad anxiety attack. As a result I ate everything in sight. Cheesecake (I don't even like it) Beef Jerky (finished the bag), a frozen dinner, a glass of milk and a PBJ . I feel sick to my stomach just reading that list.

When I started thinking about what I had done, an old joke came to my mind. Did you hear about the Pollock who tried to swim the English channel ? He got half way and decided he couldn't make it so he swam back. My binge last night was me swimming back.

Emotional eating is my weakness. Eating all that crap when I was not even hungry didn't help. All it did was make things worse than they already were. Plus it made me feel discouraged.

Today is a new day, a fresh start for me. In order to make the best of it I need to learn from my mistakes. Mistakes are not the same as failures. Unless you allow yourself to think that way.

My life is a process over which I have limited control. The things I eat and whether I make wise choices are up to me. Whether I sit on my butt or exercise is up to me and me alone.

Where is all this going ? What is the point I am trying too make ?

Changing my lifestyle is a process. Choosing to eat healthy foods is a process. Being more active is a process. Facing my demons is a process. Dealing with my emotional eating is a process.

None of this can be rushed. Grape juice does not become instantly become wine. Nor can I instantly shed my excess weight or deal with my personal issues. I have let them keep me from being successful in the past. That was then, this is now. A new day and a new attitude.

"Patience is a virtue" that I lack. Sometimes I can be objective enough to tell myself to slow down and think. Other times I act before I think and end up feeling guilty and regretful.

There is no easy fix for my lack of patience. Just like my poor self esteem it will be a lifetime struggle. That bothers me a little, but does not intimidate me because now I know my enemy.

Poor self esteem and lack of patience are only the first 2 things that I need to change about myself. I don't expect a TKO in the first bout with either of them. The truth is they have been around a long time. They know all my weaknesses and how to use them against me.

"Rocky" never quit, nor will I . They will knock me down, but they won't knock me out.

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time in Erie, PA I thought I had found a place to belong. It felt so good to be there in that little house with Rudy cooking and taking care of him. I slept so good cradled in his arms.

Then the fairy tale ended and all of that was gone. I miss him really bad sometimes. He made me feel confident and desirable. When I was in his arms I felt safe and cherished.

I want to feel that way again. I want it so bad it hurts to breath and I want to cry. Recently I have dreamed about him several times. I am lost and trying to find my way to his house. When I get there he is cold and distant to me and treats me like a stranger.

He was that way at the end of our relationship. He shut himself off from me and that is why I had to walk away. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. It was the right thing to do for my own sanity. If I had stayed one more day I don't know what would have happened.

The bad times are still fresh in my mind, and so are the good times. Getting in touch with him or reuniting are not an option. I miss making love to him it felt incredible. I have never felt that way with any other man before or since. With him I bared my soul and surrendered my body as I have always dreamed of doing. It was so beautiful that sometimes I cried tears of joy.

He was my Dom and I was his submissive. I wore his collar and I was proud of that. Being his submissive was not as enjoyable as I thought it would be. He had lots of toys, but seldom had the desire to use them on me. The thing he used most was a wooden paddle that I hated. In spite of that I would ask him to use it sometimes , just because I wanted his attention.

Recently I have been thinking about how it felt to be a submissive. I think I would like to try it again. This time with a man who is younger and more focused. A collar locked around my neck would make me happier and mean more than a wedding ring on my finger ever could.

Finding a man like that won't be easy. He may not even exist. For now I will have to depend on myself. Being alone sucks, but it is a lot better than being with the wrong man.

Detour

I have gotten off my butt and onto the Total Gym. It took some effort to do, but now I love the time I spend on it each day. My sleeping muscles are waking up and it feels pretty darn good.

Since I started exercising I feel much different. My mood has improved and I have more energy. I am also thinking more clearly and able to focus my thoughts. I am even able to read , something I haven't done for a while. My outlook on life has become more positive as well.

A few days ago I weighed 201 lbs. Now the scale has jumped from 201 to 208.5. I don't like that, but it is not bothering me too much. I am happy about the positive changes listed above.

Would I like to see the number go down ? Hell yeah !!! Do I need that to feel good about myself ? Hell no !!! Losing weight would be great ! There are too many benefits to list here.

The changes I listed above are better for me than losing weight. I am still going to eat right and exercise. By doing that I will lose weight eventually . It's just not happening for me right now. Life is like that, sometimes you start somewhere and hit a detour. This is my detour.

Instead of worrying about the numbers on a scale I am going to do what is right for me. I need to change what is inside me first. My attitude and the way I think about myself are all that matters right now. I believe that the path I am walking will lead me to where I need to be.

Poor self esteem is what has stopped me all the other times I dieted. Now I know why that was.
In the past I confused self esteem with popularity. Now I am realizing that was all wrong. Self esteem is not based on how many friends I have, or how I dress, or the things I own.

Looking, thinking or acting like everyone else won't change the way I feel about myself. Only by examining my own feelings and thoughts can I learn to enjoy my life on my terms.

So I am chucking the scale under the bed. Then I am gonna grab onto the good feelings I have and hang on tight. I don't know where it will take me , but it's bound to be a hell of a ride.

Giving myself credit

Humility vs Pride ? Pride to me is a negative trait. It makes me think or people like Lebron James. Boastful, selfish and irritating people. The kind that will step on anyone who gets in their way. No one is as good as them and money is their God. That is one definition of "Pride"

Pride is not black or white, good or bad. Although till now I subconsciously believed that it was. I also thought that if I was proud of myself that I would become vain and mean hearted.So this blog is my way of proving to myself that pride can be a good thing.

Sometimes pride has noting to do with being rich, famous and adored by millions of fans. It's a state of mind. A attitude towards life which can't be seen, measured, bought or sold. Simple put it is the pride that comes with finding satisfaction with your life as you have chosen to live it.

Today I gave a coat that used to be my sons to a complete stranger . I was sitting there in the waiting room and I looked at the woman across from me. Her coat was way too tight and looked very uncomfortable. I offered her a coat that used to be my sons. She said yes so, I went out and got the coat. I handed it to her. She said thank you and that was that.

Did I expect anything in return ? No-But I do feel good and a bit proud that I was able to help that woman. I did it mostly because my heart told me to. I notice things and I care about people. When I can I try to put goodness into the world. The world needs a lot more of that.

My point? I am proud that I have the ability to see people. To notice things like that woman and her coat that did not fit. I also had the desire to help her. Since I also had the means to do so , it was a no brainer for me. I saw the need, cared enough to want to help and then did help.

The warm feeling I have inside is my only reward. Feeling proud of what I did is not easy. Pride is not familiar to me. It is another step on the long road towards improving my self esteem.

This road is not straight, the journey is not easy....But I will continue on as long as it takes.

Reality Unborn

During good times I sing in the shower, accomplish things and smile. I walk with my head high, and a spring in my step. My mind is calm and I like myself. I am proud to be my own open minded, caring, imperfect woman. Imperfection is a badge of honor which I wear proudly.

Then there are the bad times. During those times I cry in the shower, or don't shower at all. I can't see anying good about myself. I am my worst critic, and I have no mercy at all.

I can't stand "perfect people" (or so they think). I would be out of place in a fancy restaurant or formal party. So really it is a waste of time and emotion to be so hung up on my imperfections. My friends are certainly not perfect and I love every flaw and wrinkle they have.

That last paragraph says it all really. Those words are what I need to think about when I start beating myself down. Sometimes I have to put a lot of thought into what to say. at other times my fingers fly and my thoughts flow onto the screen without hesitation.

There is no clever ending this time. All I have this time is some important things to think about. Which is a good thing in this case. Because thoughts are only a new reality unborn.

Norma Jean

I found this quote just when I need it. I can't say more except. Thank you Norma Jean

The person behind the mania

I hardly ever know what day it is. It doesn't really matter to me anyway. My life revolves around turning my Dad at noon and 8 and taking care of Lilac. Other than that I do the usual things like laundry, getting the mail, grocery shopping and Dr. appointments. Sometimes I feel like I am operating on automatic pilot like a robot. This must be sort of like being locked in prison. Solitary with no hope for parole. Sleep is my only escape from the monotony.

When my depression takes hold, I sob into my pillow. Praying to, arguing with and cursing God. Begging and pleading for the pain to end. Those are the worst times for me. The sadness I feel is like an anvil on my chest and it's hard to breath. Lilac is a great dog and a good companion too. Talking to her and holding her in my arms makes life more bearable. It's just not the same as talking to a person, who will answer me back. I started to exercise a bit and that feels good. Regardless of that I still feel isolated. I feel lost and invisible like no one can see or hear me.

That's when I wish I had a friend to talk to. Someone who would say "Lets go for a drive" or "Lets catch a movie" or "lets go for a walk ". Anything at all as long as it got me off this 6 acres. As long as I could relax a bit and share a laugh or 2, I would be happy.

I thought I would find that on a dating site. After several tries I found out that I was very wrong. Some of them were decent guys and some of them were just plain old creeps. They all met me liked me, got to know me and then left me without a backwards glance.

So now I don't have any expectations of finding Mr. Right. I would be happier just to find a friend that I can lean on when my knees get weak. A person who will hold my hand or cradle me in their arms when I feel like I am going to shatter into a million pieces. I used to have a girl friend that I could call when I was upset. I loaned her money and ruined that. Plus she moved about 100 miles away, so I can't spend time with her anymore.

All the people I know are married and too busy with their own lives to bother with me. I am not into bars and I don't fit in with the church crowd. So for now I am flying solo.

When I was a teenager there was a girl I knew who had been in a mental hospital. I really tried to talk to her, but it made me feel uncomfortable. Now the shoe is on the other foot, and I am the nice girl who makes other people uncomfortable.

I am the woman behind the mania. All I want is to live, laugh and love just like everyone else. A best friend is what I wish for. Like Ethel and Lucy, that would add some spice to my life.

What am I looking for in a man ?

Most people would describe physical attributes I suppose , but I am not like "Most People".

For me looks are not a priority. Although there are things that turn me off like no chin or a guy with a six pack. I don't go for the pretty boys. I am attracted to average guys with a good sense of humor. I don't much care if he has a fancy car or house either. That doesn't do it for me. As long as he is able to take me out on a nice date, all is good. I'm not materialistic, just realistic.

The qualities I appreciate most are honesty, a sense of humor, kindness, treating others with respect, non-judgmental, open minded, good communicator and keeps his word to me.
Plus he has to love dogs. I will not be with a cat person -Yuck !

I am not a bar or club type person. Long drives in the country , picnics , thrift stores and a quiet evening at home preparing a meal together and cuddling up and watching a movie are more my style. We used to have a large garden and I miss the satisfaction of digging in the earth and planting things. Nothing tastes better than vegetables grown with your own hands.

I would like to travel a bit when I am free to do so. Right now my parents need me so I am not able to do so. But it is something that I would very much like to do in the future.

I suppose when I look back at what I have written there is a theme. I am looking for an average type guy. One who is self sufficient, but not necessarily loaded with money. Someone to spend time with enjoying the simple pleasures that most people speed by without seeing. He should also be self confident, but willing to listen to other peoples ideas and learn from them.

Most important he must be able and willing to talk about things, instead of holding them inside. Being Bi-polar is not easy for anyone too live with. I know my mood swings are not easy to cope with. It's easy for someone to walk away from me because of that. I don't have that option. The man for me needs to be able to see things from my view, and be supportive and understanding when I hit a rough spot. By that I don't mean telling me that I should be happy. If that worked the pharmaceutical companies would have a hell of a class action suit brought against them.

This is awfully long and rambling. I don't see a way to organize it. So many thoughts are in my head right now that it is spinning. So I am not going to change it in any way.

I do want to add one thing. Marriage is very important to some women. If a man asked me I would consider it. At this point in my life I am not going to rush into something like that.

Personally a marriage ceremony is not a priority for me. If a man stood up with me in front of our family and friends and simply stated his love and made a verbal commitment to me that would mean more to me than any legal marriage license ever could.

I did the church wedding once, and it did not end well. I regret it very much now. At the time I was not mature enough to know that I was making a huge mistake.

Love is many things, but it does not need a legal document to make it lasting and real. I would never push a man to make more of a commitment than we both agree on.

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love & affection."

A friend of mine on Face book told me a while back that I see only the good in other people even when I should be seeing the bad. He is right, I do that all the time and it usually comes back to bite me in the ass eventually. Not always but the majority of the time.

The opposite is true when I look at myself. I can only see my flaws and weaknesses. The double chin, flabby thighs and upper arms and the rolls of fat around my middle. My stomach is what I hate the most. It wouldn't be so bad if it was just fat. But with all my surgical scars it is awful to look at. I can't stand to look at it myself, so I can't blame others for not wanting to see it.

It's so easy for me to look in my heart and say nice things to other people. It makes me feels so good to show them affection , appreciation and acceptance. To let them know that someone cares about them no matter what. I don't pick my friends because of the way they look. I pick them for the way they treat me and others. Yet despite that I still struggle with my self image. The question I have is. How can I see my own good qualities as clearly as I see those of others ? How can I learn to accept myself as a good person fat , scars, wrinkles and all ?

Visualization is the tool I am trying right now. I am thinking of the things I like about myself as warm soothing water in an old metal bath tub. Like the one in the movie "The Secretary"

The part I love is when he rinses her hair for her. I would have given anything to have been in her place. To be cherished and cared for like that is what I want more than anything else.

Sensuality and touching is a big turn on to me. When I am comfortable with a man I like to close my eyes and explore his body with my hands, kiss him with my lips and taste him with my tongue. For me that is an incredible rush. It hasn't happened very often. Only if I truly trust someone enough to let go of my insecurities and inhibitions can I let myself go like that.

OOPS ... My mind wandered for a moment. But it felt really, really good ...So fuck it ...I am leaving that part in. It may end up as the inspiration for something in the future .

OK ... back to the tub. The things I like about myself would be the warm water in the tub. Acceptance of those things would be me getting into the tub. Simple but not easy at all.

Niels my counselor is helping me see the good in myself. He says that he wishes more people could be like me. Compassion and Empathy are what he says he admires most about me. He says few people possess those qualities. I have a vague idea of what the words mean. But I want to be sure I am on the right track. So I looked them up on-line and posted it here.

Compassion is a sense of shared suffering , most often combined with the desire to alleviate or reduce such suffering. Compassionate acts are generally considered those which take into account the suffering of others and attempt to alleviate that suffering as if it were one's own. In this sense, the various forms of the Golden Rule are clearly based in the concept of compassion.

What is empathy? It is an emotional process that builds connection between persons. It is a state of perceiving and relating to another person's feelings and needs without the need to blame, give advice or fix the situation. Empathy also means "reading" another person's inner state and interpreting it into understandable conversation which supports mutual trust.

First I have to say to myself that I have these qualities. (which I do) Next I examine the way having them makes me feel. Which is a warm feeling in my heart because I have done something good just for the joy if it. Also, a bit of pride that I can comfort and help people. It also makes me feel needed and useful which are probably the best things of all to me.

Next I imagine Compassion and Empathy filling my tub. The steam rising off them lures me to slip into the water and let my cares, aches and tension melt away in its soothing depths.

So that's what I do. The warmth is luxurious, it soothes me body and soul. I close my eyes and savor it ... I plant the good feelings firmly in my mind and heart. Saving them for the future when I need a reminder of the pleasure that self acceptance holds for me.

This will probably be a lifetime struggle for me. However , if I want to find inner peace and feel better about myself I must make the effort. No one else can do it for me.

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love & affection."

This quote from Buddha seems a fitting way to end this blog. I don't think a few years back I would have been as open as I am now to quoting Buddhism.

I find comfort in it because much of it is based on beliefs that I have held all my life. As my good friend Rope said today "whatever works for you" Wise words from a wise man. **wink**

My Mother

No matter how many times I tell my Mother that I am not coping well right now she keeps on pushing at me. Today we almost fought over whether we needed to buy olives and pop for my son. I told her we had them and had to show her too. Instead of getting upset I reminded her several times that I can't cope with a lot of extra things right now. She did not like the way I handled the situation and asked me not to use "that tone of voice" while my son is here because it upsets him
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In reply I told her to stop treating me like a 4 yr old. She said she doesn't, I said "yes you do every time I do something you micromanage me like I am a child. I am 46 yrs old and a simple yes or no should be enough when I say something is taken care of.

"That tone of voice"as she calls it is better than me crying or us fighting . Even though my nerves are on edge and I am very depressed I am keeping my cool. She may not appreciate my approach but it is the lesser of 2 evils. I will not let her bait me into a fight no matter what.

I will make this holiday as nice as possible for my son. It is taking a lot of effort to keep my head above water right now. My son is all that matters, I will dog paddle as hard and long as I can for him. He is the one bright spot in my life, I love him with all my heart and am very proud of him.

True Confessions

Jealousy is an ugly word. It isn't an attractive trait either. Even so I freely confess that I am a jealous person. Other women make me feel inferior and unattractive. Unless they look like the old lady from the Wendys commercial. I can always see the good in them, but seldom in myself.

On rare occasions I do think that I am pretty. NOT beautiful, just pretty. (That was hard to type by the way.) Mostly though when I look in the mirror I see the little bags under my eyes , chicken pox scars and all my other flaws. I do not have any mirrors in my bedroom by choice.

The worst for me is seeing myself naked. Many years ago I bought Richard Simmons book. "Never say Diet" In it was a drawing of an obese man and woman. It showed the rolls of fat on them. Looking at them repulsed me. Now many years later I am that woman rolls of fat and all.

Now, back to the jealousy. Recently a friend of mine showed me a detective magazine cover he had created. It was a sexy picture of a very pretty young woman with long blonde hair , big boobs and a curvy figure.

As his friend I should have been happy that he was doing something he enjoyed. But I couldn't be happy for him, all I could think of was how much more attractive she was than me. I was jealous too, because she was getting his attention instead of me.

While I am spilling my guts I might as well add this one. Sometimes my blogs are blunt because I wonder if he is reading them and cares enough to call or e-mail me. A test to see if he cares enough to reach out to me, or if he's just not reading this stuff at all. The better choice would be to reach out to him but I don't.

Recently I joined the "Lose It" site because he is on there and I thought it would be motivating to me to have him as a diet buddy. I didn't last very long on there and this is why. Alana is her name, she is a sore point to me. There she was every time I looked at his profile like a thorn in my side. Those 2 shared something very special and I totally respect that. Hearing about the good times they had together with his family is beautiful and painful at the same time.

The jealousy part is that she was part of his public life and I am not. I asked him to take me out for my birthday this year for 2 reasons. First I don't want to be alone that day and secondly because I want to see if he will go out in public with me or not.

I don't know if he will read this or how he will react to what I have written. All I do know is that if I am going to have better self esteem I have to start somewhere.

This blog is the opposite of what I usually do. Instead of holding all this negativity inside I am putting it in the light and looking at it for what it really is.

What is it ? My jealousy is a monster of my own making. Not all women look the same or are the same in any way. Being attractive is not determined by a list of traits.

Loneliness is at the root of my jealousy along with isolation. Throw in my recent dating failures and the end result is the way I feel now. Rejected and undesirable.

In conclusion to this confession I want to apologize.

I am sorry that I can't see the good in myself. I am sorry that insecurity and my poor self esteem is keeping me from having the life that I want so very badly. Most of all I am sorry that I lack confidence in myself to be able to believe that anyone would want me for their own.

Writing this will not magically fix things, but at least they are not just in my head anymore.

Alchemy

Alchemy : A medieval chemical philosophy having as its asserted aims the transmutation of base metals into gold.

In my case I don't need to change anything into gold. Instead I need to change my attitude. Right now I am reading a book titled "Savor" that is helping me towards that goal.

There is so much information in the book that I could not possibly describe it. So instead here are a couple of paragraphs from the dust jacket that give a glimpse of what it is about.

"Too many of us are in a cycle of shame and guilt. We spend countless hours worrying about what we ate, or if we exercised enough, blaming ourselves for actions that we can't undo. We are stuck in the past and unable to live in the present- that moment in which we "do" have the power to make changes in our lives. "

"It is the awareness of the present moment , the realization of why we do what we do, that enables us to stop feeling bad and start changing our behavior. Savor not only helps us achieve the healthy weight and well being we seek, but it also brings to the surface the rich abundance of life available to us every moment. "

The actions I have taken so far are taking a vacation from facebook, reading this book, making room in my bedroom so I can exercise. I even brought my Total gym out of retirement. I plan to use it in place of of stuffing my face when I am sad, lonely, bored or upset.

Eventually I want to start back doing my Leslie Sansone walk dvds. They really helped me when I did them in the past. Right now I just have to take it slow, because my left knee hurts and is a bit swollen from Arthritis. That won't stop me , it just means I need to be careful.

I am learning to recognize and work toward changing the reasons I don't take care of myself. Skinny people will say it's because I sit around and stuff my face. For myself Stress, poor self esteem and my depression and anxiety attacks are why whatever diet I try always fails.

So what to do ? For a moment Imagine that your body is a car. Not just any car either. You are a sexy sports car like a Corvette Stingray. We could restore you to original, make you so gorgeous that everyone would want to be your friend. That would be really cool. Wouldn't it ?

Popularity , beauty, money anything your heart could desire would be at your finger tips. That is until they open the hood and see that your engine is missing. All that gleaming chrome and shining finish will get you nowhere fast. The engine is what brings your sexy body to life.

The same is true for our bodies. No matter how hard we work to make the outside attractive to others, it is what drives us that matters most. Just like that car won't go anywhere without an engine, our bodies won't thrive without desire to succeed and most of all the belief that we can.

Savor is helping me to think more kindly about my body. It has shown me that worry, regret, shame and guilt are stopping me from making changes in my life.

By allowing myself to dwell on past mistakes and regrets I am dooming every attempt I make at losing weight. I can't change the past, but I can change the future, by living in the present.

My counselor Niels tells me " there are somethings in life that you will never know exactly why they happened. Accepting that is a huge struggle for me. I want things to be tied up with a ribbon and resolved. Life only works that way for little kids, because Mom and Dad make it so.

A part of me is afraid of believing that good things will happen for me. When I start to feel really happy with someone a little voice says "You are gonna mess up like always" So I push people away and make myself fail once more. Then I cry and tell myself that it is all my fault. because I am not good enough. Too old, too fat, too crazy, too boring, not good in bed. etc...

So to get back to my original thought I need to change my attitude. My thought process of all or nothing, win or lose. That is what stops me from success in my life. It won't be easy and it won't be pleasant. Life seldom is ... I must face my demons and win ... Can I ? Only time will tell.

Magic

Today I accomplished a few things that I have been putting off too long. I got the leaf blower out and tackled the deck. Moved some things around in my bedroom so I can set up my Total Gym I even did a bit of cleaning and a load of laundry. I also started reading a book, something I haven't done in a very long time. All of this because I deactivated my Face book account. The people on there were getting on my nerves, their happiness made me feel awful inside.

This is a hard time of the year for me. Today is my parents 58th wedding anniversary. My son just had his 22nd birthday on the 19th. Thanksgiving is coming up as well. This year we are ordering from Bob Evans. Neither me nor my Mom want to cook and my son doesn't have time.

Dad is on my mind a lot these days. I miss him so much it hurts. He isn't dead, but he is not the same person he used to be. I would gladly give 20 years off my life to have him up and around and able to hold a conversation. I even miss him blowing his nose at the dinner table.

Another memory that is on my mind is helping Mom clean the house top to bottom for the holidays. Then she would climb up into the attic and hand down the boxes of Christmas decorations. No matter how many times we put up those same things it always felt magical. It was like the whole house felt different than it did every other day of the year.

Now we just go through the motions at Christmas. Tree , presents and ham. There is too much clutter for me and Mom to clean like we used to. Plus we just don't have the energy or drive to try to bring any sense of order to the chaos. There is no magic in this house anymore.

This year my son is not here and Dad has been bedridden for over 6 years. It seems pointless to bother digging out any of the decorations, as they don't really mean as much as they used to. It would just be extra work for no reason.

Christmas is more than tinsel on a tree or presents under it . The real Christmas joy comes from traditions and family. Our family is dysfunctional to the extreme and spread far apart. Which is how we all like it, so we can avoid drama. Yet part of me still longs for the red bells strung across the beams of the old house. The nativity scene I was fascinated with as a child and the little angel who is missing the tips of her fingers because I chewed them off when I was little.

Those times and that feeling of magic only exist deep in my heart, along with the memories of my Dad the way he used to be. Nothing, not even depression can take those special moments away from me. They are my treasures to keep forever and not all the riches on Earth can take their place.

For God so loved the world...

I hate myself today. I hated myself yesterday, I will hate myself tomorrow.Losing weight won't change that. Growing my hair long won't either. Nothing will ever change that ...

I don't have a life. I have no friends to talk to when I feel lonely. No one to hang out with. Lilac my dog is a good companion, but she can't carry on a conversation. She is a good listener though.

Right now I am trying to accept the fact that I will most likely never find a man who is willing to put up with my illness. I am trying to let the desire to be in a loving relationship die. Which is a slow and painful process to say the least. The hardest part is no matter how many times I fail at love I still want it so badly.

It isn't fair that I am this way . If there is a God I am really angry with him right now. What did he do ? Draw my name out of a hat ? This baby will grow up with an illness that will make her miserable and suffer much mental anguish. No one will ever want to be in a relationship with her. She won't even be able to hold down a job. She will die alone and miserable always longing for what she will never have. She will pray for her pain to end, but it never will .

It doesn't matter to me when people say nice things about me. Kind words and compliments are no substitute for arms wrapped around you and a warm body to snuggle on a long lonely night.

Yes, I hate myself. Hate the way I am, and the fact that there is not one damn thing I can do to change that. All I can do is get through each day and hide each night in the oblivion of sleep.

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son.....I grew up believing in God. Thinking of him as a benevolent, merciful and loving God. Now I don't think any of that is true. The scars on my heart and the tears in my eyes tell me so.

That is how I feel. Even on meds the sorrow is very intense. It feels like a huge weight on my chest making it hard to breath. Despite it all I won't give up for the sake of my son and Lilac.

Sometimes though it is more of a struggle than others to even do the simplest things. Hopefully when it is time for my life to end I will find the peace that escapes me here on Earth. 

Fukkk Offf

All I want is someone who will accept me at my worst as well as my best. Material things mean nothing compared to the warmth of someone to hold me tight. Someone I can hold onto when the world is too much for me too handle. Someone I can call when I need to hear someone say that everything will be just fine.

I don't expect him to be Super Man. I just want him to be my man. There is all this love inside me just waiting till the day I find that special someone to give it to.

Is that too much to hope for ? Does such a person exist ?

All I seem to end up with is users and abusers. They take what they want and dump me like trash. One did it to spite his ex-fiancee. Another because I reminded him of a woman from his past. The rest just for their own amusement.

Times are changing starting here and now !

SO LISTEN UP ALL YOU MOTHER FUCKERS .....

• I am not that woman from your past.
• I am not your unpaid whore.
• I was not put on this Earth to spice up your pathetic, boring life.

If you can't treat me the way you would want your daughter, your sister, your niece, your Mother or any other female in your life that you care about.

Then don't let the door knob hit ya where the good Lord split ya !

I would rather be alone than put up with your shit anymore.

Why bother ?

Every time I have a little fun it just makes things worse for me. I start to resent my lack of freedom and the loneliness is much harder to deal with. An evening or 2 spent away from this house makes my everyday existence just that much worse.

Why do I bother to try anymore ? It would be much easier to accept that my place is here, where I have and will always be.

I probably couldn't even cope with the things I think I want. Even something as simple as dating is impossible for me. There's no way I could ever have a successful long term relationship.

Doctor House says "everyone lies". That seemed like a joke to me when I heard it the first time. Now I know it is very true. Add to that "everyone you meet wants to take something from you"

Pretty lies and false compliments to get you to let down your defenses. Then they take what they want and leave you lying in the dust. It hurts just as much the 10th time as the 1st (trust me)

Being honest and trusting others is a weakness. The golden rule is outdated.It's survival of the one with the lowest morals now.

These are the painful truths that I have learned through disappointment, heartache and the shedding of countless tears.

Like a child pressing their face against a toy shop window I have too often wished for the things that other people seem to get so easily and even worse take for granted.

Every time I get my hopes up that things will be better it blows up in my face. No more !!! I admit defeat. From now on I will not attempt friendships or dating.

If I don't try any more, I won't get hurt anymore.....From now on I am going to remember all the painful lessons I have learned and say "Why Bother ?"

Pointless

It seems like I am stuck here in limbo until my parents pass away. Not that I am in any rush.

After that I don't have a clue where I will end up. All I want at this point is a quiet place where me and my little dog Lilac can live out our lives in peace and solitude.

I don't intend to date anymore. In my opinion I am too set in my ways to deal with having another person in my life. Also I don't find the idea of being part of a couple as appealing as it once was.

All I want is a bit of peace, a quiet little place to call my own . That may not sound like much to other people but to me it sounds like paradise. I don't want to go to Vegas or hike the Grand Canyon. You can have the rest of the world, just let me have my quiet place and let me be.

Tired

The Earth keeps on turning. The days, weeks and months are all the same to me. Tired of getting my hopes crushed over and over. Can't wait for this ride to end.

Believe in yourself

"Believe in yourself " Such a simple concept. If you don't get too philosophical about whether we do exist or not. I believe that I exist as a person. I am a breathing, feeling, living sentient being. I live my life the best I can just like the rest of the folks that share this planet we call "Earth"

Here is the twist. I believe the things I listed above, but I don't believe in my ability to accomplish things, or that I will ever be happy. There are several reasons for that. Primary being that I have never had the chance, or perhaps ability to function very far from my parents home.

Yes, I am one of those pathetic people who still live with Mom and Dad. Originally it was for the sake of my son after my divorce. Now it is because my parents are in too bad of health to live alone. Also, it has always been about lack of money or confidence to strike out on my own. This 6 acres is my whole world.

Making decisions and setting goals is foreign to me. When an opportunity for change or trying something new comes along, I tend to act first and ask questions later. The reason being is that I am afraid that if I hesitate, someone will say "No". That or something will happen to prevent me from being able to do it. I have suffered many times because of this impulsive behavior.

Another reason for my struggle is my poor self esteem. I have never felt like I fit in with other people. Never smart enough, pretty enough and many other things.
( too many to mention here) This is something I can pretend to possess for a very short time. After that I lose it and the real me shows and I am alone again.

Lack of the opportunity to make the decisions and choices that other people do is a huge obstacle for me. Not being allowed to learn how to build friendships is another. Being alone so much and craving friends has taught me to put the other persons needs and desires before my own. The fear of them not liking me has smothered the part of me that believes and desires good things for myself. In other words I don't know what I want, and I don't believe I would ever get if if I did know. I do know one thing ,I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life.

So, when I think of "Believing in myself" I feel sick at my stomach. Wanting things in the long term sense scares me. I know deep inside that something or someone will stop me. That feeling of failure is there before I even try at all.

Instant gratification is how I have functioned all my life. If I can't have it "now", it will never happen at all. Many times I have pushed people away because of this belief. Sensible ? No, but it is what I have been conditioned to believe.

Can I change that ? Can I set a long term goal ? Can I look at myself and say "I like that person". Can I believe that I deserve to be in the game of life, not on the sidelines ? Piece of cake right ? Just do it ! Easy as pie ? Anyone could do it...

I am not anyone. I am "me" This struggle is real and I face it everyday.

Right now it is making me doubt my ability to lose weight. One part of me wants to be able to visualize what I will look and feel like after I shed those pounds. I can't even do that, because I don't have the confidence to believe in my own success.

There is this little voice in my head that says it's never gonna happen. There have been so many attempts and failures over the years. Some were good plans and some were down right stupid and dangerous to my health. I lose and then put it right back on. Besides even if I do nothing will change about my life except the size of my clothes. I will still be unlovable, unattractive and no better off.

Can I control my eating and be more active ? It is certainly a concept I understand. I have a plan of how to do just that. That does require some sense of being in control of my life. "Having a plan" and "doing a plan" are not the same thing. Just like having a map in your car does not mean you will never get lost.

When plans fail I always blame myself. If someone says casually that they will call or "do lunch" and then don't follow through, it is my fault. Logic says that is not true. My self doubt says it is very true. Logic is no match for something I have believed as long as I can remember.

This blog was supposed to be about weight loss. Now that I read it I realize that it is about many things. Like having friends, being independent, self-esteem, and dating. All of these things have knocked me on my ass many times. Each time that happens it is so much harder to get up.

Yet here I am digging for the "courage to begin again" As long as I have breath in my body I might as well keep up the struggle. It's not like my social calender is full or anything.

(sorry no upbeat ending - It is what it is)

Knowing isn't doing

I knew better than to loan them money. I had heard her complaining about having to pay back a relative of theirs, when he loaned them some money.
At the time I made a mental note never to make a loan to them. Then she came to me crying and saying that they were going to lose their house. If that happened she told me her husband would divorce her. I asked her how much she needed to save the house. She told me $1000. I said are you sure if I loan you this money that it will be enough to keep you from losing the house. She tearfully said "yes"
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She did this behind her husbands back. I had her meet me at my bank and sign a Promisary note which the banker then notarized. I haven't taken legal action yet, but I think I will have to very soon. (They did lose the house and are still happily married )

That was Feb. 10, 2008. It is now Sept 19, 2010. She has paid back about $110. Every time I approach her she gets just like she did about that relative that loaned them money before me. I feel like I was used. She knows that I am Bi-polar. She played on my sympathies and now not only have I lost the money , but I have lost a friend.

I knew better, I freely confess that. I doubted that the money would fix the problem. Her tears and pleading, along with the desire to help them keep that beautiful house made me do something I now regret with all my heart.

It's not even the money that is what bothers me most at this point. It is the feeling of being taken for granted. I feel like I don't matter to them at all. That is what hurts so much.

False words from false friends

I am not perfect by any means, but I do try my best to keep my word, and if I can't there is a pretty damn good reason. People used to say my word is my bond. Nowadays that's bullshit !

It seems like my friends don't think promises to me matter. I am to the point that their promises go in one ear and out the other. No expectations , no disappointments.

I promise, I will, I'm gonna...It never happens. I don't understand why they claim to be my friends and then just blow me off like I don't have any feelings.

Well I do have feelings and I do matter ! I deserve consideration and respect. It's time to cut some dead wood out of my life. I would rather be on my own than deal with hypocrites.

Hip ! Hip ! Hooray !

I was taught even as a little girl that happiness means being part of a couple. Just recently I have realized that finding peace and happiness in my life is much simpler and easier alone.

I have had 2 serious relationships other than with my Ex-husband. Both times I really thought I had found Mr. Right. They were both quite a bit older than me, but that didn't bother me. I had some good times with each of them, but for one reason or another things did not work out.

I am alone now and free to do what I want. I don't have to pretend to like something just to make a guy happy. My time is my own and I can do whatever I want, even if it's absolutely nothing. I don't even have to wear makeup or shave my legs if I don't want to. No football games on the TV either because I have control of the remote. My sexual needs can be met with my friend the Hitachi. Who by the way , doesn't lie, cheat, fart, snore or leave the toilet seat up.

Such a simple solution to all the pressure society puts on us to get paired up. I Can't help wondering why it didn't occur to me sooner. It sure would have saved me some headaches.
I don't claim that this is the right solution for everyone. My gut instinct is that it is just what I have been looking for. Here's to all of us who chose to be alone. Hip ! Hip ! Hooray !

*** Ever Forward ***

Mr Dolan

Mr Dolan was my Science teacher in High School. He was an older gentleman and easy to distract. We used to ask him a question about the news or something and he would go on the whole class about it. We thought that we were outsmarting him, but really it was a very stupid thing to do.

My blog has been like that lately. I started out writing things that were empowering. My writing was upbeat and got me in a positive state of mind. Then I got distracted, I started writing about the worst parts of my life , instead of the best. The result Insomnia and a deep depression that I am just now recovering from.

This blog is me making a U-turn. This is me heading back to the place I want to be. Time to crank up some feel good music on the radio and as Sally Field said in "Smokey and the Bandit" "Put the metal to the pedal and the thing to the floor"

Ever Forward

My constant companion

My right hip started hurting last night and still does today. I suspect it is Bursitis again. Another trip to the Rheumatologist. Thank God for Dr Paz , he always fixes me up.

Pain is becoming my constant companion. Asleep or awake it is always on my mind. I never expected this to happen at my age, but here I am. Hobbling around today like a geriatric.

Well at least going to the Doctor gets me out of the house once in a while. That and going to the grocery store are about all I do any more. Thank God for my antidepressant medications. They don't make my life any better , but they make me numb so I don't care about it as much.