It's five o'clock somewhere

No Vodka yesterday. Today however, I have had 3 shot glasses so far and it's only 1:30 pm. That's really not much because I did not know what I was buying and got 42 proof by mistake. Oh well, it's a start and next time I will know better. All I know for now is it seems to take the edge off and I like that a lot.

More soon as I explore the family legacy of dealing with my shitty life through the use of booze.

I said I would never do this.....

I have always said that drinking alone is a dangerous habit to get into. Today I bought a bottle of vodka and now I am having my first solitary screwdriver.
I don't intend to have more than this one, at least tonight.

The pathetic thing is I have to sneak to have it. My Mom would freak out if she knew. By the way I am 46 years old. It's not illegal to have a drink, but it sure feels like it is right now.

I don't know why I feel the need to do this.... Maybe it's loneliness, or feeling trapped ? I'll write more as things progress - and see if I can keep to one drink or not. 

Am I being powerful and responsible for my life?

NO ! (and here is why.)

" When things go wrong or goals don't materialize, most people blame their past, their parents, life in general or God. We are even encouraged to do this by friends and family who are well-meaning. We also devote a great deal of energy to settling for what is, without recognizing what we can become."
 Only by seeing how in the past we have allowed problems to control us, and forgiving ourselves, can we really change and be free to go forward in life feeling more powerful, able to create the success and happiness we want.

What can I do to change that ?

 Having a glowing vision of the future helps you tackle the core beliefs about yourself—such as doubts about your own worthiness for success—that have held you back until now. So as you peel back the curtains around your core self, you become ready to tap the source of all change and success—self-love, and forgiveness for past failures.

 Self love isn't that the same thing as being conceited ?

 No, that couldn't be further from the truth.  Self love is actually quite the opposite. (see below)

• Honoring yourself and who you really are. Love is your birthright. As Teilhard de Chardin said, "We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience."
• Telling the highest truth, which is that we are powerful beings capable of creating joy and success or pain and suffering in our lives. We are not destined to be victims. We have the power to choose, and this power is both the greatest responsibility we have and the greatest opportunity.
• Honoring who you are becoming. Self-love involves recognizing that you are constantly evolving and growing to become a more powerful and more loving being.
• Honoring your feelings and responding to those feelings. Remember, feelings are important signals, and even the so-called negative feelings of anger and fear serve the important purpose of alerting us to the obstacles in our life. 

What Now ?  How can I change the way I think ?

• Imagine a future where you totally love yourself and have totally owned your power.
• Reach for an understanding of why you would choose limitations in your life. We are often taught by family and life experiences that being weak, sick or helpless is the way to get attention or help. Look at your own and other peoples attempts to get acceptance, attention and love. Ask yourself, what was I taught about being lovable? About being powerful and responsible for my life?
• Then forgive yourself for having made mistakes. Imagine how your future self would forgive you for a mistake.
• Then you can consciously create better methods for getting the acceptance, attention, love and success that you want. 

~~~~ See next blog to find out how I am doing ~~~~

Let them be and let them go ...

Lots of things stir up bad memories and regrets from my past. Sometimes I wonder if I am the only one this happens to.

 Thinking about what if  ? why ? and should have, has cost me a lot of time and energy. It has also stopped me from moving on.


In the past I have tried to block the memories completely. Unfortunately the human mind does not have a delete button. 


Thich Nhat Hahn has taught me a new way to deal with this situation. Instead of struggling to block those negative emotions I am making friends with them.  I now give myself permission to have those feelings. I let them be , and let them go.

Easier said than done... but every day it gets a little bit easier.




 

This blog has no "End"

As I experience the highs and lows that are inevitable in life I have noticed an undeniable pattern. There are certain people that I know that I associate with specific emotions.

There is a couple that I associate with feeling safe and cherished. Another couple that is for lack of a better description like Peter Pan ; living in Never Never land.

 Then there are the guys I dated, or were friends with. Two in particular stand out in my mind and heart. The first one is the closest I have come to being truly in love. It was not true love, but it felt like it for a while. This verse of an Abba song is what I listened to as I was recovering from breaking up with him.

I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence
Building me a home
Thinking I'd be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules.

Like Forest Gump said "That's all I have to say about that"

The second one was a friend of a unique nature. He was the one I went to when things went wrong.  Not to feel better, but to wallow in the misery of it all.  Talking to him was a way of reassuring myself that life did indeed suck, and there was no way to change that fact. We did share many good times as well, but overall we were like twin Eeyores. I miss the good times , but in my heart I know that even though I miss him, being apart is the better for both of us. I wish it could be otherwise, but as he so often says "It is what it is".

Using people as an emotional  crutch is never a good idea. I need to learn to deal with both my negative and positive emotions a different and more healthy way. The books I am reading by Thich Nhat Hahn are helping me see how I am setting myself up for failure by doing the same things over and over. Here is some of the many things that he says that are helping me to have hope that I will find happiness someday.

"Inside each of us is a great being, someone peaceful, full of light, understanding, and compassion. This person carries a sword of understanding that cuts through the bonds of suffering.
With great understanding we see the way out of our bondage. We discover the lightness and compassion necessary to love someone else."

"Self love is the foundation for loving another person. If you don't know how to love and offer happiness to yourself, how can you love ? and offer happiness to another person ? If you don't know anything about happiness, how can you offer it ? Live in a way that brings you joy and happiness and then you'll be able to offer it to another person."

"A successful relationship also depends on us recognizing our own painful feelings and emotions inside-not fighting them, but accepting, embracing, and transforming them to get relief."

Those books have come into my life at the perfect time. When I was younger they would not mean as much to me as they do at this stage in my life.  My life has been a roller coaster ride in the last few years. As I look back at the 18 year old starting her first job, I hardly recognize myself. That is not a unique feeling at all. All of us change over time. I never could have imagined that I would have experienced  what I have in those years. Some of them I regret and some I am proud of, but all of them have made me who I am today.

Overall that is not such a terrible thing. I found a song that says it best.  The lyrics will serve as the last paragraphs of this blog. I don't say "The End", because this blog has no end... it is just the beginning...

I`m an angel, I`m a devil
I am sometimes in between
I`m as bad as it can get and good as it can be
Sometimes I`m a million colors
Sometimes I`m black and white
I am all extremes
Try to figure me out you never can
There`s so many things I am

I am special, I am beautiful
I am wonderful and powerful, unstoppable
Sometimes I`m miserable sometimes I`m pitiful
But that`s so typical of all the things I am

I am someone filled with self belief
And haunted by self doubt
I got all the answers
I got nothing figured out
I like to be by myself
I hate to be alone
I`m up and I am down
But that`s the part of the thrill
Part of the plan
Part of all of the things I am

I am special, I am beautiful
I am wonderful and powerful, unstoppable
Sometimes I`m miserable sometimes I`m pitiful
But that`s so typical of all the things I am


I`m a million contradictions
Sometimes I make no sense
Sometimes I`m perfect
Sometimes I`m a mess
Sometimes I`m not sure who I am


I am special, I am beautiful
I am wonderful and powerful, unstoppable
Sometimes I`m miserable sometimes I`m pitiful
But that`s so typical of all the things I am.

"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection."

I don't have anything clever to say in this post. No grand ideas or inspirational themes are on my mind today. My mind is spinning like a truck stuck in the mud and has been for quite a while now.

I keep trying to find someone to make me happy. So far that has been a complete failure. It's to the point that I don't believe that I can find happiness.  No hope means no disappointment. The simple fact is  that I am sabotaging myself at every turn. Not just about relationships , but my health as well.

I stopped exercising and have been eating a lot of junk. Food has become my friend, lover and also a way of punishing myself. M&M's, Pizza, cookies and once a whole Pepperidge Farms chocolate cake. As a result I don't like myself and  feel miserable. I also get a headache every day and have put on over 10 lbs.

When I ask myself why I am doing this all this to myself  I want to cry. My failure to find acceptance by those guys from the dating sites is tearing me apart inside. My depression is worse and I have had to get my medications increased by quite a bit. All that has done is make me feel numb and make it harder to think.

Logically I know that what those guys  think of me shouldn't matter. If they are so great why are most of them divorced 2 or 3 times. The fact that it does in some matter to me, even if it's not a conscious thing  is both aggravating and painful. As I type this my heart is aching like it is being crushed by an unseen hand.

 I know that if I get off this bed and get moving again I will feel better mentally and physically. Part of me wants to do that, but part is afraid to move. Like a jumper on a ledge who doesn't really want to step out into thin air , but doesn't want to go back in the building either.

Eating healthier foods, exercising and losing weight do not mean that I have to be in a relationship. If I take better care of myself I will feel better and not hurt so much. That is for me and no one elses benefit. Also it means that I am less likely to become unable to take care of myself when I get older.

Those are the reasons I need to get back on Lose It. For myself and no one else. Happiness is not something that only comes from the approval of others. True happiness comes from within. It doesn't come from perfection or what color nail polish I have on.  The size of my bank account or the kind of car I drive won't guarantee it either. Getting out of bed every day and doing the best I can is  the first step. Making time for things that I enjoy is the next one. 

The Buddha said it best;

"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection."

 I forgot that , but I am going to do my best to remember it from now on...


EVER FORWARD 

Welcome to my home ....

Most peoples dream homes are modern and fancy. Not me, what I want is a simple place to call  my own.
It will fit my lifestyle, suit my personality and hold all my hopes and dreams for as long as I live in it.

First on the list is plenty of  storage and book shelves.   A place for everything and everything in its place. I don't want a lot of furniture to have to try to move and clean behind. I can think of much better things to do.

 Old fashioned as it is to say,  I sincerely  believe the kitchen is the heart of a home.  I want mine to have bright yellow curtains and plenty of windows to let the sunshine in. There will be soup simmering on the stove pretty much all the time. Also plenty of coffee and goodies ready for any visitors that decide to drop by. 

 Next on my list is my bedroom. The floor will be covered in old fashioned linoleum. The curtains will be soft so that they will billow when a breeze blows in the open window.  The bed will be covered with a soft patchwork quilt. (the kind that is made to be used)  The furniture will be shaker style and not much of it. I haven't picked a wall color yet. Warm apricots and earth tones probably would be my first choice.

In the bathroom there will be the kind of tub that is just right for a bubble bath complete with candles. (it should be big enough for 2) Also for practical reasons there would be a corner shower stall as well.

There would be as many window seats as possible in my home (they  would open up and be cedar lined for storing things in) Blankets, linens and sweaters being at the top of the list. Again a place for everything.

 It's harder to describe my vision than I thought it would be. The important part is that it should feel welcoming, cozy, and comforting. The kind of place you can kick off your shoes and rest in. Maybe it will only ever exist in my imagination and this blog. Perhaps though if I am patient someday it will be a reality.

New starting point ....Same destination

An old friend has been on my mind a lot in the past few days. I thought about trying to make contact with him, but told myself it was not a good idea.

The temptation was still there in the back of my mind nagging me at unexpected times. That is until I had this dream.  In the dream I was talking to a woman  I have never met in real life. She was telling me things about my friend that while they weren't terrible explained why making contact with him was  not a good idea.

Of course, I did not listen. That's my style, I hate people telling me what I can and can't do. So there I was riding in his car with him (in the dream) It felt good at first, but awkward as hell. Bittersweet is the feeling that I had at that time. Sweet because I do miss talking to him and bitter because nothing had changed.

At that point all I could think was... I have to get out of this car ....I didn't care where I was, I had to get away from him and the sooner the better. I wasn't angry, I still care about him and wish him all the best. Sometimes I just want to hear his voice say one of his catch phrases just one more time.

Despite the pain I feel without him in my life, I know it's for the best. His tendency to try to recreate his past was tearing me apart. He was physically with me, but his thoughts kept drifting back to a certain blonde.

We discussed that problem quite a few times. I know he tried to overcome it, but never quite did. My own insecurities didn't help the situation. My emotions flipped from calm acceptance to hurt feelings and then straight to pissed off.  We kept parting ways and then reuniting. Starting at a new place, but reaching the same destination (not a good place to be btw)

This last time is the last time (at least I think so) That dream was my subconscious showing me that even though you miss someone so bad it hurts it is best to just let the past go and walk away.

Missing him sucks big time, and not contacting him and asking him to forgive me and starting this whole process over is one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make.

Like an old injury that empty spot where he filled  in my life will always ache. There is not magic cure to make that stop. Memories are all I have left of him, and it is for the best of both of us to keep it that way.  

I love him and always will. If he ever reads this.... that is the most important thing I want him to remember. 

ROAD KILL

HOUSE ALWAYS SAYS THAT "EVERYONE LIES"
YOU MIGHT BE ASKING  YOURSELF, "WHY ?"

TO GET WHAT THEY WANT OF COURSE ! 

PEOPLE WILL LIE, KILL, CHEAT AND STEAL TO GET WHAT THEY WANT ...

PEOPLE ARE ALL SELFISH BASTARDS !

NOTHING YOU DO OR SAY WILL EVER CHANGE THAT FACT !

ALL YOU CAN DO IS HOPE TO NOT END UP AS ROAD KILL. 

IF YOU CAN CRAWL AWAY IN ONE PIECE,  YOU ARE ONE OF THE LUCKY ONES.

I left my heart in Pennsylvania ....

Human beings are the most bloodthirsty and cruel creatures on Earth. They will turn on each other over a penny lying in the gutter. They are for the most part only concerned with "what is in it for me ?"

My family says I am nicer to my dog than I am to my parents. Why not ? After all , she loves me unconditionally. She loves and forgives me even when I make huge mistakes. SHE LOVES ME !! just as I am. Her happiness when she sees me is all that keeps me going when I want to quit,  she is my only friend.
 

Only one person ever came close to that for me. My family couldn't stand that. They all ganged up on us and did not give up until they drove us apart. Yes, there were other problems, (huge ones). Even so my family is what ruined that relationship for me. I will never as long as I live forget how it felt to have someone take care of me for a change. Someone who held me when I cried, and really listened to what I said.  There was some really bad times.  I know I hurt him just as much as he hurt me and for that I am deeply sorry.

"Along with the sunshine, there's got to be a little rain sometimes" We also brought love and laughter into each others  lives for a brief and precious time. When I was in his house , it felt like I had a real home of my own.  I felt safe and cherished just like a real person with a real life. Now all I have is memories of sleeping in his arms as I lie in my cold empty bed. No one makes  me chicken star soup  when I am sick or calls me late at night to talk until I can fall asleep. I had all that and lost it, I don't believe it will ever happen again for me.

So  basically. Life's a bitch and then you die.  or if you prefer.  "IT IS WHAT IT IS......"

pain

Too tired to think. Mom is in the hospital and Dad is not doing well either. Been getting up before daylight because it hurts too much to lie in bed. Lilac is all that is keeping me from breaking down completely.

Purpose ?

Today once again I find myself questioning my place in the world. In my mind I  see the world as the outer frame of a jigsaw puzzle. The inner pieces represent the so called "normal" people.

The words normal + people do not fit together in my mind. Humans come in all shapes, forms  are all born with (in theory)  the same potential for a good life. In a perfect world that would be a certainty for us all.  Unfortunately there is no such thing as a perfect world.  Perfection is as impossible as normal in my opinion.  Even though I know that there are many people out there who would disagree.

The mentally ill, physically challenges,  aged and even the terminally ill people of the world scare people. Acknowledging us as individuals with feelings and thoughts remind others of their own imperfections and mortality. It feeds peoples secret unspoken fears and makes them grow into full fledged monsters. Those monsters lurk in the corners of their minds where they  threaten the foundation of their very existence.

They would like to toss us out, or at least put us out of sight (out of mind). Once upon a time that was socially acceptable behavior. Families hid their shameful relatives in their attics or tossed them into asylums or poor housed locked away behind cold stone walls like criminals  (until they died of disease and  neglect. )

Modern times put an end to all that at least in the public sense. No one wants to be caught discriminating against the less fortunate. There are laws and a moral code to consider after all. Their inner thoughts however are their own and a casual comment or a subtle action is not subject to laws or morality yet is just as cruel.

Back to my original thought. What is my place in the world ? I was born into the world, but not to be a part of the world in the usual sense. Just like a Bee pollinates flowers and grains of sand cause Oysters to produce pearls maybe the odd ones like me and so many others serve a useful purpose as well. 

Whether my theory is correct about that or what my actual purpose for existence is I can't say.  I can say that  most of the time I am glad that I am not just like everyone else. My thoughts and my view of  the world are mine and mine alone and to me that is much better  than being a perfect fitting puzzle piece will ever be.

Hyenas

The face I see in the mirror these days  is that of a stranger.  Is it hardness or pain ? Anger or despair ?  that lies behind that cold stare and vacant eyes.   She guards her secrets well, while mine flap out in the open like laundry on a line for all to see.  I have so  many questions, and not one single answer can I find. 

My life leaves little time for figuring out those things.  My energy  is better spent doing the few things that I can  accomplish  around here.  My parents are now the children and I am the scullery maid. The house is not clean or tidy like my Mom kept it. Even if I had a team of cleaners to help me Mom would never permit them to touch her things or violate her privacy.  If she can't do it herself than it just won't get done at all.

What will become of of those piles of things and me once they are both gone ? I can only make a guess. The"things" will be plundered , fought over and then tossed aside (once the novelty wears off).

 That will happen after They first thing they get me out of the house so they can gut it.  Like Hyenas fighting over a juicy carcass they  will gang up and eliminate the weakest in the pack. (or so think)

I have already started throwing out my own clutter. It is a freeing feeling to shed the weight of those piles of things that I once thought I would need "some day". When stuff  begin to take over your life and suffocate you  it is past time to be rid of it.  Each bag of trash I carry to the garbage lightens my spirit a bit more.

I have lived here on this 6 acres  of dirt all my life.  My son took his first steps here and said his first word, just like I did. It will be harder than I can ever imagine seeing other people living here.

They will change the house to suit them and chop down my maple tree without a second thought.My past will become their future. Nothing can stop the hands of time, not even me.  **Ever Forward**

Quitting my Psych Meds

Today I decided to stop taking the medications prescribed by my Psychiatrist. Even though they are mostly helping me my family is still making my life a living hell.

Tonight I begin my adventure down the rabbit hole. No more compliant good girl taking her happy pills. My family asked for this, but they don't have a clue what they are in store for.

Taking the blame for the past.

In the past I have written some nasty posts on here. I was hurt and angry at the time and it was a childish thing to do.Today I deleted one of those blogs. I am ashamed I wrote it at all.

It has always been so easy to place the blame for the troubles in my life on the other person The truth is not one of those people forced me to do things that I didn't want to. I could have walked away, but I didn't. I could have said no, but I stayed silent. The reason is that any attention is better than none. Loneliness makes a person do stupid things sometimes.

In simpler terms. The person responsible for 90% of the painful parts of my life is ME ! I am the one who set myself up to get hurt over and over again. It was me and no one else.

There is no way to take back what I said. Words once written or spoken can be forgiven, but not forgotten. This blog is a written confession of sorts so that I will never forget what I did.

This baring of my soul is only the first step. Now I have to makes sure it never happens again. I know it won't be easy. I will mess it up sometimes ,even if I do try my best.

I am far from perfect. I am just me .... and this is a part of me, one that needs changed.

Blood, Sweat and Tears

They say "We are all dying, one second at a time."

So really it doesn't matter what my ultrasound results were. I am no one special, the world would never miss me. People get born and people die all the time. No one can ever change that.

I can't blame people for walking away from me. Lots of times I wish I could do the same damn thing. Just discard my troubles and sadness like an old pair of shoes tossed in the trash bin.

Sure it's easy to like me when I am at my best, and just as easy to detest me when I am at my worst. I want to be close to people, yet I always drive them away. Mostly because when I get really depressed I don't like myself at all. Because I don't see the good in myself, I want someone to prove it exist. To prove it by refusing to discard me , even if I push them away.

In movies that happens all the time. Everything is wrapped up and tied with a bow before the credits roll. Real life is never that simple. It is blood, sweat and tears from birth, until death.

I am dying , everyone is dying. Some just sooner than others. Many of them like me with memories of times gone by and friends that have drifted away and are lost forever.

Cancer

Even though I don't know the test results my mind keeps wandering back to that word again and again. Logically I know that there are many other things that the mass could be.

Ironically it's not the idea of having Cancer that scares me the most. The terrifying part is how my family will treat me. In the past they have never really been there for me even after surgeries. It wasn't easy to take care of myself at those times, but I did what I had to do.

In movies people on chemo vomit and are weak and helpless. My family will resent it if that happens to me. They will be angry at me for not being able to help with Mom and Dad too. Most likely they will be impatient and want me to "get better already." Whatever they begrudgingly do for me will be thrown in my face many times over. I'll owe them for for the rest of my life.

The mere thought of asking them for help makes my stomach clench. It always has and always will. Accepting the way they are took many years. The only way I can cope with it is to do my own thing and let them do theirs. Now ... with the fear of being weak and helpless ...I am going to have to come up with a new way to survive their not so tender mercies. Such is life ....

Unreal

I saw my Gynecologist the other day for a routine pap test. He felt a mass on or near my left ovary when he was doing the exam. My ultrasound is scheduled on the 12th. As I read these words it all seems like a bad dream. It could be nothing serious or it could be Cancer. Not knowing is the scariest part.

My Mom just found out she is going blind and now this. Is this really happening ?
I really wish I could say no, but I can't. Now all I can do is wait and see.

Trudging Ahead....

I remember what it felt like as a little girl trying to walk in deep snow. It was hard and my legs would get tired so quickly. I was slow and the grown ups were walking so fast. No matter how hard I tried I wasn't quick enough. So they would gripe and then pick me up and carry me.

Tomorrow is my 46th birthday and I am not a little girl anymore. Yet I am trudging forward just the same. Day in and day out struggling forward with no particular destination in mind. People still call me slow and gripe, but no one picks me up anymore.

I am too big to carry now, but it would be nice to have someone walking beside me. I tried dating, but it was not very kind to me. It's time to accept the fact that I am better off alone. enough time, heartache and tears have been wasted on people who just hurt and let me down.

The joys of life are all around me, if I take the time to see them. The internet holds information on everything and anything under the sun. Art, music, poetry, history ... anything that I want to learn about is at the tips of my fingers. A banquet for the mind, heart and soul.

The simple fact is that I don't fit in with 99% of the people out there. I admit to being kind of proud of that. Too many people have lost touch with the things that matter most. By that I mean compassion, kindness and in general being decent to their fellow human beings.

I think it's because of our instant gratification addiction. No one has the patience to wait for anything. We ride everywhere, eat at the drive thru, text, e-mail and never really see our neighbors the check out clerks or anyone else as real people with real lives. I miss the old days when people said hello and your Doctor knew your name and looked at you not their laptop.

Old fashioned and out of date as all of this may seem, it is the memories of better days for me.
So let the world run ahead of me, telling me I am too slow. The pace I move at is just right for me. Moving slower means I will not get anywhere fast, but I will enjoy the journey more.

High Dive

My life is like a perpetual high dive. Sometimes I am climbing the ladder full of hope and feeling great. My mind is full of ideas and I can accomplish things that I have been avoiding.

Other times I am standing on the platform looking down frozen in terror, but knowing that I am about to fall. My heart races and tears fill my eyes. Loneliness combines with the fear. That pushes me over the edge of the platform. Then in the blink of an eye I am falling.

I can't escape the highs of being "Manic" or the lows of "depression". All I can do is take my medications and cope the best I can. The worst thing is ,I never know when the highs and lows will happen. If I did I could brace myself, instead it comes at me like a sucker punch.

When I was younger, I dreamed of being rescued by a tall, handsome stranger. Rescue is not an option for me. I will climb that ladder and fall over and over again. Nothing can ever stop that, as much as I wish that could happen.

The best I can hope for is to find someone to be like the water in a diving pool. To be there and cushion the fall, without judging me. This may or may not happen for me. So for now I have to be strong for myself, keep my head above water and dog paddle as hard as I can.

**EVER FORWARD**

Unlucky Month of March

I must have a sign on my back that says "Kick Me". Here it is the unlucky month of March. I just got dumped by e-mail, my counselor is retiring and all my friends have left me in the dirt.

If there is a "God" he must hate me. My life is a cosmic joke. Every time I think things are getting better I get sucker punched. Today it was a guy that I went out with a couple times telling me that I am too much overweight and asking "can we still be friends ?"

Duh !! I met him in person and I told him that I am on Lose it. Also that I am working out to get into better shape. He seemed like a good guy, but I was wrong again. Now that's a shock !!

The more I learn about people, the more I love dogs. They love you unconditionally and are always happy to see you. They also make great bed warmers and never lie or let you down.

In one week I will be 46 years old. My family is all fighting with each other. I have no friends to talk to , soon no counselor either, and to top it off now I have been dumped by e-mail. Sounds like a country song. For me though it's just the usual way things happen ..... Ain't Life Grand

Turn it off...

The furnace is out again and it is cold in here. My body and mind want to hide in bed and sleep until Spring. Unfortunately that is not an option. So instead I drag myself out of bed and do what I have to do for Mom, Dad and Lilac. Responsibility doesn't end even when I feel like crap.

When I do have a spare moment my mind wanders to the past. In particular to the times when I had brief moments of happiness. None of them lasted obviously or I wouldn't be alone now.

This part is the worst. Remembering the pain of the breakups. Dissecting it like some scientist and examining it trying to figure out what went wrong and how to stop it from happening again.

Poking at old wounds won't change anything. All it does is make me feel worse. I know I am not a bad person. I also know that I have more good qualities than I have bad ones. Still it can't always be the other persons fault. Logic tells me that the majority of the problem is me.

Digging into the wounds of my past failures and the pain that still haunts me is cruel to myself. All that time thinking about who did what to whom, doesn't mean a thing when my panic sets in. It just makes me feel like I am on an out of control sled about to crash into a really big tree.

At that moment I wish with all my heart for someone to talk to. A kind, caring voice to say "hold on, breath, it's gonna be just fine" Then I realize I have no one to do that for me.

So , I get a towel and cry into it. Silently so no one can hear me. Feeling as if I am the loneliest person on Earth. Begging for my heartache to stop. When that doesn't happen. I say these words "Nothing matters, I don't matter . You will never have the life you dream of.

Turning off my desire for better things is becoming easier with practice. Companionship, affection, friendship and love to name a few. Those things belong to others .... and never will to me. My place is to encourage and do things for them.... because 'I don't matter, never will"

We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.

I am doing it again.... for the billionth time. Trying to figure out how to have a "normal" life.

Logically I know that it is a waste of time. Still, it would be so nice to have the things I dream of. No one has a perfect life, I know that too. Life is too unpredictable to allow perfection to exist.

Beating myself up and longing for a storybook life only makes things even harder than for me than they are . Blaming myself for not having the impossible is a form of self abuse.

Like the song says. "It's not having what you want, It's wanting what you've got. I am not, nor ever will be the queen of the ball. Prince Charming is not going to sweep me off to am exotic island. Reality sucks, but all we can do is make the best of what we have to work with.

I just realized something. Trusting other is taking the risk of getting hurt and disappointed Hiding in my room and telling myself that I am no good, is just a way of hurting myself. I get the same result, but without having to make the effort or trusting someone else.

The middle ground is to be able to not see myself as better or worse off than the rest of the population. In theory it would be like being shipwrecked with limited supplies.

A survivor would take inventory of what they had and use it wisely. That could also be called "the glass is half full" approach to a situation beyond your control.

The less attractive choice is to ignore the useful things that are there, maybe even waste them. This person can only think of how unfair their life is and rant about things that have nothing to do with the immediate situation or survival. Their glass is half empty and always will be.

Some people are one or the other of these descriptions. As usual I don't fit into just one category.
I am both. Sometimes I can dig in and make the most of my situation. When I am thinking clearly and feeling positive that is. At other times even putting on clean clothes is a chore.

K.I.S.S. Keep It Simple Stupid is an idea that I often use. Don't get me wrong, I am far from stupid. Focusing on being content with "wanting what I've got" The good and the bad parts of it is a full time 24/7 job. It is frustrating, physically and emotionally exhausting and sometimes it seems like it is totally and without a doubt the most futile act on the planet. Then when I think that I have hit rock bottom and want to give up something marvelous happens.

Someone catches my eye that I can help. Despite my own despair, I can't resist that persons need. I tell myself that if I help them at least one of us will be happy. So I reach down inside myself past the pain and give to them what others never give to me.

This blog is all mixed up and tangled like a briar patch, but I am leaving it as is because that is how my thoughts, feelings and emotions are as I try to reason and make sense of it all.

My initial thought was : Longing for what is beyond your reach is a waste of time.

I can only live the life I have and make the best of the circumstances that I live in.

Bringing other people into my life only complicates things, because I trust too easily.

Blaming myself or others for my unhappiness will make me bitter and cynical.

Learning to make the best of what I have is the only way I can bring balance to my life.

Balance and contentment are what I want and need most in to end this cycle of pain and sorrow. If I don't make the effort to change the present, my future is doomed as well.

This won't happen quickly or easily. There is no simple recipe for a happy life. Nor a magic pill to dull the pain. Nonetheless, it's what I must work at or else I will never find the peace I crave.

I will close with these simple words that say so much;

We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.

Skin Hunger

Obviously I am having a hard time right now.

Part, but not all of that is because of my need to be held, caressed and kissed.

I don't remember the last time I felt like a desirable woman. Sometimes I forget that I am a woman at all. It's easier that way. Just to drift through the hours, days and weeks like a robot doing what I have to and blocking out everything else.

Sometimes though when I least expect it I long for affection and the warmth of another body next to mine. It hurts to not have that. It feels like my skin has disappeared and all my nerves are exposed to the air. Nothing can satisfy that hunger, that need except for a man who treats me the way I need and deserve to be treated.

Three times in my life I had that for a short time. Each time my dreams of a happy future turned into a nightmare. One of them chose his roommates over me, the second man just turned cold towards me even though I still think he understood me more than anyone else ever will, the last one was very attractive, an incredible kisser and knew just what to say to turn me on. That one ended with the help of my ex-sister who is an Alchoholic. I still wonder if he was as good in bed as I imagine he would have been. He was also the only one of the lot who was not a cheap skate or taking Viagra. As you can see, I don't have the best luck with men.

I don't know where I am going with this. All I know is that I want to find a man who will be there when I need him. Someone I can count on and who will treat me well.

Is this possible ? I hope so.... I want it...I need it.... but I don't believe it will ever happen.

My Song

"Boulevard Of Broken Dreams"

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah,
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah
Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I walk alone
I walk a...

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone...

Hospice

I know I said I wasn't gonna post for a while, but it's my blog and I can do as I damn well please. Plus the freaking weather has postponed the delivery of my Elliptical till Saturday.

Today Hospice came to our house to talk to us about providing services for Mom. It scares me to think of how fragile she is. We get on each others nerves all the time, but she is still my Mom. My parents are the only constants in my life it's so hard to picture my life without them.

I used to joke that I was never going to leave home, and that is pretty much what happened.
Today has made me realize just how very alone I am. Being alone used to scare me, but I don't fear solitude anymore. After being lied to, used, hurt and disappointed so many times it seems like a safer and more peaceful way to live my life. My rose colored glasses are broken and I can see clearly for the first time. What I see is that the only person I can truly rely on is me.

Perfection

I am going to stop blogging for a while. The reason is I don't like what I have been writing lately. It's all nasty and bitter and filled with nothing but negative things.

Instead I am going to workout on my new Elliptical. I am going to stop thinking about right and wrong, fair and unfair and just sweat.

All this garbage that I have been writing about and torturing myself with is killing me. At the rate I am going I will end up a bitter old bitch. That would suck and more importantly be a terrible thing to do to my son.

My elliptical is scheduled for delivery on Feb. 2nd. Some of my friends on Lose It have them. One of them calls his the "torture device" That sounds great to me, because if I am focused on torturing my body then my brain will shut the hell up.

I don't want to think for a long time. I don't want to feel either. All I want is to wear myself out so that I don't have the energy to do anything but what is entirely necessary. I want to be so tired that I don't even have the energy to dream. That would be..... Perfection

Rip It Off

Can you miss what you never had ?

I do. Actually what I miss is what I thought and dreamed could be. I think they call that a fantasy or a dream or something like that. Wait, I remember it's called a "pipe dream.

Whatever you call it the loss of it does leave an open wound. The kind that will leave a scar no matter what you do. Reality is a cold hard place to land when that dream ends.

It's not something we plan to do to ourselves it's just one of the nastier parts of life. Like ripping off a band aid it hurts, but is best done quickly. Dragging it out only makes the pain last longer.

Yes, you can miss what you never had, just as if it really, truly did happen. Because every time you dreamed of what you wanted. In your heart it became as real as anything could ever be.

Let It Go ...

I have a hard time letting go of the disappointments and failures in my life. No matter how hard I try I always do the same thing. It doesn't solve anything or help me learn to cope. It's penance in a way. My way of punishing myself for not being good enough to have the things I dream of.

This is what happens as best as I can describe it in words. You will have to fill in the emotional part yourself. I can't put that here because if I try I will crash again and I can't let that happen.

First I withdraw from whatever it is. Tell myself that all the thoughts and feeling racing through my head don't matter. Nothing matters and I don't matter either. I cry and ask for the pain to end and wish that I was never born or that I could cease to exist. Then I get angry and strike out at the world in general. Next , I start trying to figure out who is to blame. First I blame the other person and want to hurt them like I am hurting. Then I decide that it's really all my fault because Of the way I am. That other person was right to leave me because no one in their right mind would want to deal with a messed up person like me. Hell, I don't like being with me either. That leads to self pity and hatred. After that I mourn until one day I wake up and go back to the drudgery of my daily life. I put myself on automatic pilot and turn off my brain.
I pretend that all is well and that I am fine with things just as they are. That is until I get caught up in that lie and try to find someone to be with again. Then it all starts over once more.

As 50 creeps closer and closer and I can see the wrinkles around my eyes more and more. I realize that I am no longer a girl and it's time to let go of my girlish dreams of Mr. Right.

The men my age are generally losers and impotent. So it is ridiculous to keep thinking that I will find my knight in shining armor. He simply doesn't exist. The men I have dated may not have had the same problems I have , but they are all as screwed up as I am , just in different ways.

So instead of wasting my time, energy and emotions on that it is time to channel them elsewhere. My son needs me, he is having a hard time right now and is lonely just like me.
(Although if there is a God, he isn't just like me in other ways) Also, I have issues with my Mother that need to be resolved. My Dad needs me too, I am the only one that takes time to talk to him. I tell him I love him and he responds to my teasing him (in a loving way) I feed him dinner at night and I enjoy talking about good memories from the past as he eats his food.

My life is not out of a Harlequin Romance. Odds are some women on this planet do have that life. I am not one of them and it's time to admit that to myself and let that fantasy go.

I have spent too much time on regrets about the things that are beyond my grasp. Now I have to work on taking care of the things that I do have. Those are the things that I have been neglecting while I was chasing rainbows. So many years that I wasted on foolishness.

Fixing those things will take time and effort. My old way of thinking will pop up and try to distract me. It will never be simple or easy to do either. Still it is what I must do.

Let go...Let go....Let go....Let go. That will be my mantra when I start to think too much about past failures and disappointments. I must look to the future and I must do it ASAP.

OK

Sometimes it's ok to admit to yourself that your life is not the way you had imagined it would be.
Sometimes you have to accept that even if you want something badly, it will never happen.
Sometimes you have to let go of people and things in order to move on with your life.
Sometimes things happen to you that you will never understand no matter how long you live.

Today I said goodbye to a man I had a very confusing friendship with. It wasn't easy and I wish I didn't have to do that. I care for him in a way I can't explain, because I don't really understand it myself. Too many times he has disappeared from my life. Too often have I needed to talk to him and not been able to call him because of reasons that are not relevant to this blog.

I have realized something about myself that I should have known long ago. People and relationships make me miserable. I can't take all the emotional upheaval that comes with interacting with others. The people like me are called "loners". I like to talk with people , but only on a casual level. I don't feel sad or pity myself because of this. It's not something I would have chosen for myself, but I can live with it. For companionship and affection I have my little rescue dog "Lilac" she accepts me just as I am good days, bad days and all the rest.

My life may not be glamorous and I will never be rich, famous or beautiful. The one thing I can have is self acceptance. No , I am not like everyone else. Actually I am really glad about that. Because I would rather see the world through my eyes and live my life according to my conscience than pretend to agree with the crowd. I am not a blind follower, I am a person with a mind and a heart. No one else is like me.... and that is what makes me able to walk alone.

Even you ...

Maybe being alone and isolated is a blessing and not a curse. Maybe not having friends or being in a relationship is the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

This way I don't ever have to say "goodbye" What I think or how miserable I am is n0t important. Drones and drudges don't have pain and their thoughts are useless. There is no need for them to waste their breath on useless words or their thoughts on how they feel. Because no one is listening or gives a damn, and that will never, ever change.

I think I am going to quit "Lose It" . I am a good at quitting, so it's no big deal. I don't care about how I look anyway. Crazy people are ugly inside so what does it matter how big my ass is. or what I weigh. I think I may already be dead. That my life is some level of Hell for me to suffer through. Not only that, but there are millions of other levels after this one is done with me.

That's what is in my head... I don't care it anyone is offended by my words. It's not like what I say matters anyway. You have your mind made up about me anyway, because you know it all.

I used to think some of the same things about people like me. They scared me and I pretended to not see them, even when they were right in front of my eyes. Now here I am riding the crazy train to Looneyville. Turn your backs on me. Tell yourself I am faking or it's the drugs making me this way. Pretend that you are too good to ever be like me and I am weak or faking.

Sometimes the monster in the closet is real. He got me ,and is he would love to get you too.
No one is perfect or invincible not even you. Bad things happen in the blink of an eye after all. So don't ever blink again and you will be fine. If you do blink even once he will get you !

But then again, if this is a level of Hell it's too late for all that. You are already as lost and useless and insignificant as I am . So you can hear me say this one final word "Goodbye"

Forgiveness

I feel lost, trapped in limbo. This last medication change seems to have made me worse. The thing is I don't care about how crappy feel. All I want to do is get in my bed and turn off the lights.

I want to and I can are not the same thing at all. So in between the panic and the need to quit I force myself to cope. Sometimes I can make my mind blank and coast. Other times I get incredibly pissed and strike out at anyone nearby. It's not pretty and I hate when it happens, but I can't seem to stop myself. It's like I am watching someone else spewing hate and rage like venom.

I don't know what to do. I wish I was strong and wise enough to fix myself. Right now I can't remember anything or sometimes even get my words out. I don't know this stranger behind my eyes and I sure don't like her. I forgive all the men have dated who dumped me and the friends that no longer call. No one should have to deal with me.... I wish I didn't have to either.

Is there anyone out there ?

Can anyone see me standing here alone ? Can anyone hear my cries for help ? Maybe they do , but have all turned their back and closed off their ears ? I wish I could do that, but I can't.

My mind won't let me dismiss others like they do me. I can't walk away from someone in pain just because it would be easier than getting involved. Is it fair that no one does that for me ? Let me answer that question with a question ? How often is anything in life fair ?

Since no one is rushing to my side, there is only 2 other choices. The first is to give up. Just curl up in bed and refuse to budge. I could get some sleeping pills or something to knock me out . I have done this before. Not only did I escape the pain, I also lost weight. Win-Win situation.

The other choice is to stop thinking about being rescued by that damn white knight who is incredibly overdue and to decide to live my life by my rules and learn to be happy alone.

So, I have decided to study Buddhism. It is my hope that it will help me find peace. I don't expect a miracle or anything . Mostly what I want to do is learn how to cope with stress and anxiety better. Also I hope to be able to create for myself a happier and peaceful life.

So this is my plan. It will take time and more study than I can even imagine. That doesn't scare me at all. In fact it sounds really, really good. *** EVER FORWARD ***

People who need people...

People--people who need people
Are the stupidest people in the world,

There is nothing lucky about needing people. They let you down, exploit your weaknesses and use them against you. Mostly though in your darkest hour they leave you lying in a heap , turn their backs and walk away. So there you are hurting from your troubles and betrayed by your friend.

Does this sound like I am bitter ? Well it should, because I am. Right now as I type this I cannot think of one thing in my life that I can look forward to. I wish I could be like a robot and shut off all my emotions . If my mind would just go numb. Maybe then I would find the peace I crave.

In school I was an outsider, now I am a loner. A "Loony Loner", that is the perfect description. Here I am stuck on this ride to nowhere called "Life" I just want one thing before this wretched ride ends. That is to see my son settled and happy. After that nothing else matters.

No Heaven and No Hell and no God

I don't believe in God anymore. I don't think there is a Heaven and I already live in Hell.

When I die (the sooner the better) I just want to disappear and feel nothing at all.

My son is the only reason I am still alive. I wish I could end my misery without hurting him.

I don't want to kill myself, but I am exhausted. Make the pain stop ! Please ! Just make it stop !

What did I ever do to deserve having to exist with my brain all tangled and jumbled ?

If I am wrong and there is a God , he is cruel because he made me the way I am today.

"Ain't that a kick in the head"

I have said it before "everyone wants something from you" From the moment you meet whether you are a lawyer or a hair dresser, people are thinking of what you can do for them.

The only thing you have control of is whether what they can give you is worth what they want in return. Friendship, Sex, marriage or just services or goods. One way of another this whole thing will cost you whether it is money or your dignity.

Money is much easier to replace than dignity. Pride goes before a fall, but the loss of dignity leaves a mark that no one else can see, but is painful nonetheless, and will not ever stop.

How low must a person be before their dignity and pride lose all meaning and value. The answer to that is up to each and every one of us. For myself I admit that I have sold myself short more times than I care to remember. My excuse for the most part is Loneliness. My need for affection and companionship is overwhelming sometimes and has extremely impaired my judgment.

The book "A Tale of two cities" says "It was the best of times, It was the worst of times"
My life, and I would imagine many other peoples lives could be described with those words.

Even the experiences in our lives that end in heartbreak contain some measure of pleasure and happiness. The word "Bittersweet" comes to mind. To me that is a reminder that despite the bitterness of the ending, the beginning was sweet and wonderful. Is the sweet worth the inevitable bitter ? Again, only each of us can say if that is the case or not.

The point of this rambling mess of a blog is hard for even me to figure out.

My best guess would be that the fact that all my so called friends have turned their backs on me. I refuse to beg for their attentions this time like I have in the past.

Should I try to find new friends ? I am leaning towards "No". It seems like it is hardly worth the effort. "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results"

Albert Einstein said that. He and I were both born on March 14 btw. Those words really do describe my life. I keep trying to do the same thing and getting kicked in the head.

So I am working on shutting myself off from thoughts of relationships of any kind. It's simply not worth the price that is asked of me. Especially since I always end up alone in the end.

I quit !!!

I want to quit.....Quit being trapped in this house, quit feeling mentally and emotionally exhausted and most of all quit having to survive in this family who treat me like a negro slave.

I have this picture in my head of my sorrow and pain flowing from my cut wrist like red satin ribbons. All that pain just easing from my body replaced by peace and rest which I badly need.

I do not want to cut my wrist, I would never do that to my son. It's just my minds way of solving a problem that can't be solved. Quitting is not an option. I can't run nor hide from my life.

I just wish I could escape for a day or even a few hours. That would be a dream come true.

Help !!!

I never needed help more than I do right now. The problem is I have no one to go to for what I need. So it's up to me to figure out how to survive just the way things are and not fall apart.

I live with my Mom and Dad and I am the youngest. Those 2 things are what is being used against me. Every move I make every breath I take is watched by all the rest of the family.

They can go home and leave this behind. I don't have that luxury because I am here 24/7. If they don't feel well they don't come over. If I don't feel well I am expected to just ignore it.

It's hard enough to deal with my own health problems and pitch in to help with Mom and Dad. Most of the time I can deal pretty good with that. Except when I need help and they all act like I am faking and turn their backs on me. I hate this family when that happens. I am so tired of their double standards. I don't give a shit if I am the youngest. Facts are facts and my Doctors can verify that I have health problems. No one deserves to be treated like I am by them.
My nerves are about to snap and if it weren't for Lilac they would have done so by now.

There is no solution for this that I can see. It will come to a head soon, I can feel the pressure building and the explosion will not be pleasant. I know that I will be called every nasty name they can think of and accused of all sorts of sins against my Mom. She will not say anything because she needs the others too much to risk alienating them.

It's easier for her to sacrifice me than to speak up against them. That has happened so many times before that it is easy to predict. There is no defense against them, you can't reason with people who can not compromise on anything. It's not because they are right. It is because the hold the high card, the threat of not helping with Dad and sending him to a nursing home.

My head hurts

Everyone is expecting something of me. Mom, Dad, even Lilac. I haven't been out of this house for months except to grocery shop or go to the Doctor. My head feels like it is gonna explode.

I don't even have a chance to form one thought for myself between doing the things that are expected of me. Working out is the only escape I have. The freaking phone is driving me up the wall. I want to turn them all off, but then if my son needed me he could not get through.

I need to be alone sometimes to get my thoughts straight, but lately that hasn't been happening too often. It seems like I am being pulled in all directions and being told by too many people what to do. I wish I could just run away for a couple days and clear my head.

There is nothing I can do about it... "it is what it is"

Lose It

I have tried to lose weight many times before. So, why does this time feel so different ?
The main reason is my motivation. In the past I thought that if I lost the weight that other people would like me better . Instant happiness in a smaller size jeans. (NOT)

Those other people (whoever the heck they are) don't mean a thing to me this time. Trying to please them is the last thing on my mind. Most of them aren't worth the effort anyway.
The more I observe the way people treat each other the better I like myself. I don't claim to be perfect. In fact I don't want to be perfect. My goal for each day is to be myself, faults and all.

Every morning I face a new day, and the same old decision. Will I chose my food wisely and be active, or stuff my face and sit around on my butt. Most days that choice is a no brainer.
Other days it is a real challenge to even get out of bed much less exercise.

That's when my Lose It friends come into the picture. It is very motivational to see other people who are fighting with the same struggle as I am. This blog is dedicated to all those incredible folks that help keep me on my feet and off my butt. Thank you all !!!

A useless Blog

My counselor has recommended that I delete one of my friends on Lose It. He says that this person is toxic to me. Toxic seems harsh to me. However I do see what he is getting at.

I joined because this person was so enthusiastic about that site. The site is great, but I am disappointed all the same. I have some very supportive friends on there but the one I want to hear from most, has never posted one single word on my profile.

I expected some encouragement from him once in a while. Maybe even a great job ! None of that happened. I told myself he was too busy to do that stuff. He doesn't seem to talk to anyone on there. I would try not to think about it, but would find myself looking at his profile as if I could figure things out that way. It just left me more confused and feeling a bit pathetic too.

I thought about deleting him even before Niels suggested it. This man often wanders out of my life for long periods of time. He is a good man , he just tends to make promises without thinking things through. I accept that about him even though it hurts me sometimes.

I don't know what to do. Asking him to be more supportive of me feels selfish. He is going through a lot of bad things in his life right now. Deleting him would make me sad and I feel guilty every time I even consider it.

This is why I am most comfortable in my bedroom with Lilac and my laptop. People confuse me, I can give and give without any problem. That's easy for me and I am afraid it is also the reason that I have been used by guys from dating sites. I pretty much asked them to treat me badly.

Expecting other people to do something stresses me out. Like this situation that I find myself trapped in right now. What is it reasonable to expect from him ? Should I ask him for it or wait for him to offer it ? I don't know what to do ! Usually blogging helps, but not this time.

Happy and Sad

Happy that I am doing well. Sad that I feel so alone. My lose it friends are great, but they don't really know me. It's hard to make friends when you can't leave the house.

Feeling sorry for myself isn't helping either. Still it's better to let it out than hold it bottled up inside me . I hate feeling like this ! Oh well, Nobody ever said life would be easy ...